Bumble Bee

When she laughs, it is music to my ears. Whatever it was that made her laugh, I repeat over and over as her laughs become more hysterical and then.... it's not funny anymore.
Today it was two words: Bumble Bee. I covered my face with my hands and when I opened them, instead of saying peekaboo, I said what ever animal her animal wheel spun to. Bumble Bee, she threw her head back with laughter. 'Bumble Bee' I repeated, this time a little louder and a little more crazy, she laughed so hard I bet she pee'd in her diaper. After about ten bumble bee's, I was lucky if I got a half smile. She was over it five minutes ago, but mommy was having so much fun.

Is there meaning?

Say what you mean, mean what you say.
Is there a meaning beind those words?
A point you wish to convey?
Will it make me feel better, or make me feel worse?
Is it so important to say to me, that you can't listen to me first?
It's not what you say, it's how you say it.
It's all in your tone of voice.
Are you asking me or are you telling me? Are you giving me a choice?
Don't corner me, don't prey on me, don't pressure me to change.
This is who I am, this is what I believe and I am not ashamed.
I am aloud to shed some tears, what gives you the right to say...
This is how it is, there is no other way.
In some ways it still angers me, that I put up with you for so long.
I also want to thank you, for making me so strong.

Key to my heart

Haunted by the blank screen, empty of my thoughts.
A prisioner held captive against my will.
Held back by a force so strong behind these bars of steel.
The key to unlock this cell is hidden, but well within my reach.
The means of finding the hidden key requires me to search so deep.
Deep in my heart is the answer and the only way I can be free.
Deep in my heart hidden is the one and only key.

Waiting for me

I try not to think of you,
atleast while I'm awake.
It is then that I realize that I will never see you again.
In my dreams you come to me,
it's as though no time has passed.
I hold you.
I talk to you.
I smile at you.
I have you.
You look into my eyes with such sincere trust.
I remember when you used to look at me that way.
I remember the way you listened when I spoke.
Even though you couldn't understand my pain, you knew that I needed you.
In my dreams you give me a sense of peace.
I don't wake up sad anymore.
I don't wake up grief stricken that it was only a dream.
I wake up refreshed.
I know deep down that even though you are not there to comfort me physically in the waking world.
You are in a better place, waiting for me.

Has it really been eight months?

Was browsing through some photos on my dad's computer and I came across a few of Rebecca's newborn pictures. That beautiful sleeper she is wearing, I bought for her the day I found out I was pregnant. She's grown so fast, that looking back at these pictures, it's almost hard to believe how small she was.

Touching Memoir.... Could I write one?

I was deeply inspired by the 'Glass Castle'. A memoir by Jeanette Walls.
It takes tremendous courage to reveal the truth. It's terrifying. I've really tried to be more open. More expressive. More honest with myself and those around me.
I could never seem to get the words out. I'm not sure whether it was a look, it never seemed to be the right time, you were distracted, you weren't in the mood, or maybe you had a hard day.
I was always held back by fear. Fear of embarassment, rejection, disappointment, fear of being mocked, fear of breaking my spirit, fear of losing hope, and fear of losing respect.
I realize now that I am entitled to my own opinion. That it is okay if we disagree on something and work out a comprimise.
What I am so curious about is how Jeanette Walls broke past that barrier of fear?
I am an aspiring writer. It is my dream to do what her story did to me. I was in search of a memoir, mostly because I have been considering for some time now to find the strength and courage to write my own. I went out on a quest to find a story of an unknown. I didn't care to read the life of someone famous. I specifically searched for a nobody, like me.
I was drawn into the book, by something I could relate with. Guilt.
'The Glass Castle', blew me away. It was one of the most courageous books I had ever read. As I read the last page and closed the book, I realized that Jeanette Walls is not a nobody. Jeanette Walls is a hero. A role model. A mentor. Maybe not to everyone, but in my eyes she certainly is a somebody. That is when it hit me. What if I could touch someones heart in that way. Reach out to someone. Maybe inspire someone else to be brave.
What if could write about my life in a way that someone could relate to.
It wasn't until college that I realized how afraid I was to be myself. I began my first day with a nervous laugh, and not being able to look people in the face when I spoke. My eyes were subconciously directed to the floor. It was in college that my professor in speech noticed that as soon as I felt conflict/confrontation I held my breath. After everyone left she called on me.
'Michelle, relax your body. Just relax.' Easy enough. I relaxed.
'I want you to look at me and say, how dare you.'
'How dare you.' I say weakly.
'Okay, now I want you to say the exact same thing, but I want you to reach that back wall.'
'How dare you,' I say, a little louder. Immediately my jaw clenched and my body stiffened. My professor felt this change. She stood behind me with her hands on my shoulders.
'Now, I want you to shout it Michelle. I want to hear you on the other side of this school. Your angry at me and I want to here you. Use your diaphram and push it out.
'HOW DARE YOU,' I collapsed. My legs could not support my words of anger. I couldn't seem to stop the tears.
It was in college that I realized I was afraid of my own voice, directed in a negative way. I realized that I have never in my life yelled out of anger.

Bless you

I never want to forget.
These precious memories are imprinted in my mind.
Frozen pictures that will be cherished until the end of time.
My beautiful baby girl, know that when I hold you in my arms and look into your eyes,
the love that keeps my heart pounding, is love that never dies.
Time is passing by so fast it seems.
sometimes it feels too good to be true.
When I wake up, it sometimes feels like a dream.
How happy I am to have you.
A gift.
A blessing.
An angel sent from above.
Sweet Rebecca I'll protect you with rich blessings and lots of love.

Sense of discovery

Restless as a leaf blowing in the breeze.
No control on which direction the wind carries me.
Might as well just enjoy the ride.

Maybe I shouldn't have had coffee so late last night. I couldn't help though.
We just bought a new coffee machine and we just had to try it out.
Also...
A sense of adventure.
A sense of discovery.
A sense of taste.... and so on.
If you have been captivated by this guilty pleasure, than this must sound all too familiar.
The commercials for Baily's Irish cream, have been very seductive.
It gave us the idea of frothing milk and adding a subtle hint of Baily's.
Mmmmm. Yum.

'Let your senses guide you.'
We did. With our coffee.

All that I need

Today, my life has changed.
For you, if you only knew.
The fire that you put in me,
sparked desire, to be the best I can be.

You gave me a promise of hope.
A passion for love,
I'll never give up,
only rise above.
Raise my hands up high,
Praise God for my life.
All that I need.

Snow!! Is it almost December?

Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way!
O what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh

Couldn't wait to go dashing through the snow, with our new baby sleigh. Bundled Rebecca all up layer upon layer, and when I finally got her all ready she looked like a marshmellow. I wanted to take a picture of her in her cute little snowsuit, but she began to vent her frustrations when she realized she couldn't move.

Outside a puzzled expression crossed her face, almost as though she were asking, 'What is all this white stuff?'
'Snow Rebecca!!! Look at all this snow!!' Dave picks up a handful of snow and throws it up into the air.
Becca looks up and smiles her most beautiful smile. Angelic. Warmed my heart, and nearly melted away our first snow fall.

We started our Christmas shopping today. One more month. The count down begins!!! I can't wait until the first of December. It has it's perks. What I'm really looking forward to is eating my first delicious little chocolate from the advent calender.
This is the ultimate challenge of self control. Will I be able to make the calender last all 24 days? That's only one chocolate a day. A tease to my taste buds.
I wonder what I should do when I visit my parents. Do I take the calender with me? Or should I eat the days I will be away in advance? That's about 3, maybe 4 chocolates.
What if I get carried away at four and can't stop? Maybe I should buy an extra calender. One to follow day by day and one for when I have no will power.
What to do?

Smiling Face

A typical morning. A routine I've grown accustomed to. I've never been a really ambitious morning person, but how can you stay so sluggish when each morning you are greeted by a smiling face. A smile that seems to ask, 'What are we going to do today mom?' A smile that is ready for the adventure to begin. A smile that wants to explore the whole world with her mouth. Everything goes in the mouth.
Lately it's tags. Something about a toys tag, that is more interesting than the actual toy.
Rebecca will soon be going on eight months. I am looking forward to celebrating her very first Christmas. I wonder if we'll actually have any snow this year. A white Christmas would be nice.

Baby Proofing

Time to get down at Becca's level, and see everything through her eyes. By this I mean baby proofing. Her curious hands have discovered many things I still can't figure out. Such as how to get the lid off the peneten cream in less than a minute. I have a miniature Houdini on my hands. A very quick tummy tumbler, who's quite content with this new found rolling skill. She mastered the tricky manoeuver and is now on to bigger and better things. Pulling herself up.

The Backyardigans

Catchy tunes. Eye catching colors. Brilliant choreography. A whole new adventure, and exciting experience every episode. From deep tropical rainforests, to enchanted castles.
My daughter is a little too young to understand the story lines, but the theme song brings a smile to her face every time. THE BACKYARDIGANS. It's funny that only five months ago, I had no clue who the backyardigans were, now I know them by name. Pablo, Tasha, Tyrone, Uniqua and Austin. You just can't help but sing along to the songs. Their tight harmonies are so pleasing to the ear, that the theme song itself is genious.
The show reminds me of the adventures I imagined in my own backyard. I think that's why it's grown on me.
It gives us the world through the eyes of our children, and reminds that we were that age to. I remember making a boat out of a cardboard box, and actually trying to float on it in a huge puddle. It became an even bigger adventure as it began to sink very quickly. We pretended to be ship wrecked on an island with nothing to eat but banana's. We'd leave banana peels hanging in the tree's in hopes that more banana's would grow.
The imagination we had to create such fantasies, is everything that the backyardigans have to offer. It takes me back into my childhood so that I may enjoy it a second time with my daughter.

Month by month

One month was when I discovered the biggest life change, that made me doubt.
Soon I'll a mother, with a huge responsibility that I knew nothing about.
So many questions filled my mind, so many books I had to read.
To learn as much as I could, to satisfy our baby's needs.

Two months seemed to fly by so fast. Two months I slept away.
Exhausted, tired and cranky. I could have stayed in bed all day.

Three months it was love at first sight, we had our first ultrasound.
There you were so small as my belly got a little round.

Four months you startled me, when I felt that first little kick inside.
You always seemed more active the minute I closed my eyes.

Five months we couldn't wait, as our anticipation grew.
We found out you were a baby girl, but your daddy always knew.
From day one he always said, it's a girl, he even picked out your name.
How excited we were to find out, that the ultrasound revealed the same.

Six months I was glowing with excitement, your due date almost near.
Soon I will be able to hold you in my arms, soon you will be here.

Seven months, eight months, nine months a blur.
Before we knew it there you were.

Nick's Restaurant

One year ago today, I sat around the dinner table with my family one last time. A second family, separate from my own, but just as close. They took me in, at the moment I needed them most. Welcoming me with open arms, and warm hearts.
Three years I worked at 'Nick's Restaurant'... and those three years no doubt made me into the person I am today.
I learned so much about myself, and about people. I learned what my weaknesses were, and I turned them into strengths.
I was encouraged by my boss and supervisor to push myself, to work harder. Self discipline. Focus. Pay attention. Things that until then I had taken for granted.
Most importantly I learned that I had to take responsibility for my own mistakes.
That there are times to be serious, and times to be funny, and that's definitely not on a Friday night.

'Had you been paying attention, instead of singing and dancing this wouldn't have happened.' My supervisor, was annoyed.
I had just unscrewed the Clamato juice when I then grabbed the Vodka to make a Caesar. Not only did I get distracted but I completely forgot that I had already unscrewed the lid. The cap was just resting on top. My supervisor had motioned me to shake it first. I did. Clamato juice everywhere.

'Look at people when they give you their order.' She told me on another occasion.
'Remember their face. Use your memory skills. Focus.' Previously I was delivering food to the wrong tables and dropping menu's of to tables who had already ordered.
'Hello, how are you this evening?' Only to get a blank stare. Awkward silence.
'My name is Michelle and I'll be taking your order tonight. Can I start you off with something to drink?'
The man smiles, 'Were still waiting for our drinks.'

One night there was a valuable lesson my boss needed to teach me. My mistakes had to come with a price. Consequences. Time to think about what I had done.
It was a Friday night. Valentine's Day. My sister and brother in law had come in for supper around eight and that is when I took my break, to join them.
I completely didn't think about the clean up that I left for my co-workers. The dishes that needed to be done. I just saw an empty restaurant and a chance to satisfy my own selfish needs. My supervisor had left me that night, trusting that I would be on my best behavior. No goofing around. Focus. I failed that simple task.
She wanted me to think about what I had done and therefore gave me the entire week off. This was no 'Holiday'. I loved my job. That is where i wanted to be. I cried. I replayed the scenario in my head. 'Why weren't you thinking about others before yourself?' I was angry at myself.
Throughout the week my disappointment turned into humiliation. How can I possibly face my co-workers again? I've really screwed up this time. Will my mistake affect our relationship? I pictured my boss with a smug look, 'Well I hope you learned your lesson'. I couldn't have been more wrong. I was welcomed back with smiling faces and no one mentioned a word of my vacation.

After three years, I moved to Ottawa and later that same year I came back to my home town to have supper one last time with my second family. They sold the restaurant and this supper was to welcome the new owners, and say good-bye and good luck to the most wonderful people I know.
Thank you for giving me such and opportunity.
Love & Prayers.

Notebooks

Notebooks upon notebooks lie before me, filled with my deepest desires, dreams, fears, insecurities and past that I've learned to accept. People that I've learned to forgive, lies that wouldn't let me rest until I told the truth.
I'm not ashamed of who I am or what I've done. I accept that I haven't always made the right choice, and that I have made a lot of mistakes, but those mistakes have made me into the person I am today.

Letter of encouragement

It is very difficult to write what is in your heart. There is always that bit of fear that holds you back from writing the truth. During my process, I read that it could be very encouraging to write yourself a letter as though it were from a friend. I did. When I get discouraged I look back on it, and it makes a world of difference.

Michelle,
I know that you have it in you. The words. The talent. The gift.
A gift that you can either keep to yourself or share with others. You have such passion. Let your words speak through that passion. You don't need to hide. You don't need to be afraid. This fear of baring your soul is helping you through a process. The process of healing. To heal means being honest. It means ripping the bandages off old wounds, and bringing them to the surface. It will not be easy, but you can do it. I have faith in you. I believe in you.
When you fall I'll be right there there to help you on your feet. I will be by your side every step of the way, encouraging you to move forward. Let the journey begin.
Always & Forever,
Your Friend

Hunger for words

Creativity has surfaced, with undying spirit.
Never again will I lose it, out of weakness.
The more I feed my hunger for words, my starving soul finds strength.

Towards the light

The light is shining.
So bright that I squint my eyes.
My heart tells me to follow the light, and leave the dark behind.
I walk through the gates, behind me a graveyard shadowed black.
Toward the light, my destiny, not ever looking back.
The cold has left my skin, the fear of death has gone.
For I'm alive again, I've found my friend, these feelings are so strong.
I cannot ignore the warmth, flooding to my cheeks.
I cannot ignore the voice, and the messages that it speaks.
I cannot ignore the love, the song of my soul.
I cannot ignore our story, our relationship, my gold.
The light is shining.
So bright that I squint my eyes.
My heart tells me to follow the light, and leave the dark behind.

Need to....

Need to move on
Need to forgive
Need to move forward
Need to live
Need to let things go
Need to let it be
Need to be free
Need to just be me
Need to survive
Need to breathe
Need to feel alive
Need to grieve
Need to love
Need to grow
Need to laugh
Need to know

How to ask for help

Not the write way..... Not the right way

'Everything that I write, a hesitation stalls.
Try to edit what I have written and the ideas quickly dissolve.
The errors seem to surface right before my eyes.
Why do I do this to myself? Why do I criticize?'

Passion

Passion burns within my soul.
An urge. A drive. An energy that bubbles over.
Intense emotions arise from the depths, bringing up with it a feeling of sorrow.
A moment of doubt. I realize that my strongest passion is also my biggest insecurity.

The Poet

There was a poet, who didn't know it,
with a passion that burned inside.
Once word was out, there was talk about,
a poem in which the poet had lied.

Dead silence. Heart pounding fear.
The words had lost their flow.
The dream vanished to a distant memory.
The poetry died long ago.

Hate. Anger. Humiliation.
No longer could the poet hide.
For the open wounds needed healing,
that only poetry could provide.

Forgive. Don't live in shame,
don't let your spirit die.
For when you are gone, your words will live on,
and help another soul come alive.

Strings of my heart

The strings of my heart have been pulled, and once again have come alive.
Stronger than I have ever felt before, leaving me only wanting more.
The wait was worth the wait.
The journey was worth the time.
The struggle against the wind, the force was so unkind.

Our paths have crossed again, I have been given a second chance.
I do not let this opportunity slip through my fingers.
As the memory is still fresh. The memory still lingers,
the first time I saw you.
The first time I could hear my heart pounding in my ears.
The first time I let you go, to find you again after all these years.

Our future lies before us, together as a family.
The wait was worth the wait.
The journey was worth the time.
Looking back at the obstacles and the mountain I just climbed.
Surrendering to you my heart, I fall to my knees and cry.
For the strings in my have been pulled and once again have come alive.

Past The Hour

Past the hour, I should be in bed...
Can't get the images out of my head.
Alert I look around.
Listening to every sound.
Frozen inside my body, darkness closing in.
Evaporating light, sealing me within.
The boundaries, I cannot escape.
Trapped inside this prison cell.
Swallowing me whole, under it's manipulating spell.
Raining down on me, this black sea of dark lies.
I cover up me ears, tightly close my eyes.
Whisper a silent prayer, a sweet sense of relief.
As I open up my eyes and realize all along it was a dream.

Magic Baking Powder gives more than your baking a real lift

Donna and Cindy learn about the unexpected uplifting qualities of Magic Baking Powder. Maybe they need to get an anchor!!

No guarantee

Realize who you are, stay near, don't linger far.
No matter what road life takes you down,
I will always be around.
Have faith in what you believe,
let no one rob you of your dream.
Conquer every hurdle in your path,
let it all out when you need a laugh.
Focus on what it is you spend your time,
evaluate the worth out of your life line.
Live each day although it was your last,
for tomorrow is never guaranteed to pass.

HAPPY FATHERS DAY

The sacrifices you made to keep our family together, when times were so rough.
The times we both needed to get away, just for a drive and some place to talk.
To talk to someone who understands, who is not only my father but also my best friend.
I hold on to those memories, of all those summers at the beach.
The sand between my toes, the water pulling at my knee's.
Holding your hand bracing for the wave, knowing all along that you would keep me safe.
So many times you've helped me out, when my school projects took a turn for the worst.
How you set all you had to do aside, to get my assignment finished first.
Your ideas are so creative, you've got more talent than you know.
The key to your work is patience and learning as you grow.
I'm so proud of you, and the challenges you've had to face.
For no father could have done a better job.
No father could replace.
The man I see as my hero, my father, I'm honored to say.
How lucky I am to be your daughter. I wouldn't have it any other way.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY

Love & Prayers,

Michelle

It's hard to imagine what you don't think about

It's hard to imagine the difference that one day could make.
One single day, that could change a life forever.
What you don't think about is how much is at stake.
A relationship, or your own well being.

It's hard to imagine when you are paralyzed by fear.
The same fear that shows any sign of weakness.
What you don't think about when things aren't clear,
is the hurt feelings that could be healed with an apology.

It's hard to imagine everyone getting along.
That this bitterness and hate will ever end.
What you don't think about is that maybe you were wrong,
is it that easy turning your back on a friend?

Maybe... Just maybe, that friend hurt you.
And say that it really was their fault.
Stop pointing fingers, no one is to blame.
Years from no you won't even remember, why does it matter who ignited the flame?

It's hard to imagine what you don't think about.
So don't pretend I'm not even there.
Acknowledge my presence, ask me how I am.
Show me that you sincerely care.

It's hard to imagine what you don't think about.
I've thought about it over and over again.
Forgive me, I am sorry for the pain that I have caused.
Do you think that in your heart, it can go back to the way it was?

It's hard to imagine what you don't think about.
So think about it.
__________________________________________________________________

Hatred only poisons the soul.
The longer you carry it with you, the more toxic it becomes.
Pay close attention to this message, and forgive someone.

Sweet little rose

As delicate as a rose, when the sunshine catches the rain drops crystal tears on the flower's red velvet petal.

Misunderstood (dedicated to my mother)

I never understood the sacrifices you made,
I never understood why I didn't get my own way.
I never understood that a mother's love has boundaries,
when all I wanted was for you to see things the way that I see.
I never understood that no means no,
I would get down on my knees and beg you to let me go.
I never understood why you were being so unfair,
that even through my tears you didn't seem to care.
I never understood why I'd get in trouble for telling the truth,
when it didn't occur to me it was after I lied to you.
I never understood until I moved away from home.
I never understood until I had a daughter of my own.
I understand now what it's like to be a mother,
and how deep the love is between a mother and her daughter.
As much as a mothers love is misunderstood.
It's all for the best.
It's all for the good.

 

Butterfly

Precious Moments

Rebecca (left) and her cousin Chrysler

Motherhood

It occurred to me yesterday that Becca is exactly one month old.
That I've had one month experience of motherhood.
I've been asked 'Do you miss being pregnant?'
The truth is, yes and no.
I had a great pregnancy. Somehow I managed to bypass all of the pregnancy downfalls.
No swelling, no morning sickness, no decrease in energy. I worked right up until the month I was due. As each month passed I had reached another milestone. By the forth month I felt that first little kick, that continued to get stronger by the fifth and sixth month. By seven months, my belly looked about to explode. I was caught off guard one day, by a rhythmic beat that lasted about 3-5 minutes. A heart beat? Curious I pulled out all of my pregnancy literature to figure out what exactly it was I felt. It didn't take long before I found my answer. My baby had the hiccups. She had them once a day, everyday until the day she was born. The most interesting part of pregnancy was looking down at my bare belly only to see it quiver and lump out at one side as the baby would change position.
Some nights I would fall asleep smiling, just imagining what life would be like with our new little one.
I was becoming quite anxious by the ninth month, as I had watched what seemed hundreds of births on 'A baby story'. I wanted to be prepared, I wanted to see how other women handled this very painful experience.

On April 4th, the contractions started around 8:30pm.
I arrived at the hospital at 10:30pm, and opted for an epidural which I got around 12:30am.
Easy going from there. I felt no pain, only the pressure of the baby moving. I was awakened out of a deep sleep by the nurse who told me that the baby's head was crowning, and it was time to deliver. I honestly thought she was joking, until I saw Dave leap from his chair and confirm that the head was indeed there. How could I not feel it? Seven minutes later our little girl was placed in my arms. It felt like a dream. It still does. I am a mother.
I cradle Becca in my arms. I've waited so long to meet her, that I can't believe she's actually here. For the nine months I carried her, our bond became stronger each day. I'll never forget the moment I fell in love. A love so strong, that your heart literally skips a beat. That every moment in my life that broke my heart had been forgotten because now at that very moment my heart was whole again. It was the same feeling I had when Dave came into my life, and I realized that this is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with.
This is my family. I love you both very much.

Angel of mine

Rebecca Claire

Born: April 5th, 2007

Time: 4:53am

Weight: 7lbs 8oz

Length: 21 inches

Ultrasound

Faith is...

Hebrews 11:1
'Now Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.'

"I found Jacob's body"

'I found Jacob's body'.
I'll never forget the night my sister approached with that somber look on her face, and those eyes that penetrated my every nerve. I felt weak at the knees. 'No', I wanted to scream. I couldn't have possibly been the cause of Jacob's death.
The nightmare began two days earlier. My sister brought her two beloved cats over to our house for their annual check up at the local animal hospital. Jacob, unaccustomed to the new surroundings, hid in any tight space he could find. I was told to shut him in one of the smaller bedrooms, so we could find him easily for his appointment.
Instead, I made the mistake of shutting him in the bathroom, figuring atleast then he wouldn't have a bed to seek refuge, and later need some coaxing.
What I didn't think of, was that our bathroom was under contruction. The new bathtub had just been placed, and dad hadn't had the chance to finish the plumbing, leaving enough space for Jacob to sqeeze in past the pipes and behind the insulation under the tub.
Leighann had come back from her shopping to pick up the precious little one's for their appointment, only to find out that I had lost Jacob.
'I'll find him, don't you worry', I assured her.
Twenty-four hours later, after hours of searching, we began to think of all of the possibilities. Could Jacob have slipped out the door of the bathroom when I went to get him? Then somehow maybe have managed to escape outside into the blistering cold? Could Jacob have sufforcated in the insulation? Or could he be lost and freezing to death outside. One thing we knew for sure, was that Jacob must be starving. We placed food, making sure that each kiblet was accounted for, that way we could atleast rule out the possiblity that he was outside. The door to the bathroom would remain shut, so there would be no where else in the house he could go.
Leighann would call frequently, only to get the same answer. 'No, he's still missing'.
By the second day, I began to lose hope. I woke up that morning, having had next to no sleep at all, with an idea and a determination to stop at nothing.
'Mom. Dad. I've been thinking.' I told them my plan.
There was one way of getting in behind the bathtub, without tearing it out and starting over.
My bedroom closet was directly behind the tub. With a hammer in my hand, I announced to mom and dad that I was going to knock holes in the back of my closet. After much contemplating, it was agreed.
And so, the length of my closet we knocked holes the size of fists. The insulation made it almost impossible to see anything. I began to second guess. Could Jacob be in there? Maybe he had slipped out. I hoped that he did. Nothing would be worse than having a cat sufforcate to death under your bathtub.
Hours passed, and Leighann called again. We cried together, and I told her to come over and first thing in the morning we'd go around town with his picture.
Later on that night I met up with some friends, and shared my story. The tragedy and the guilt I felt weighing down on me. All of my attempts have failed. To make things worse, I now have gaping holes in the back of my closet, and for what? Not even the slightest 'meow'. Not one kiblet eaten. I lost hope. I had come to a realization that there is a very good chance that I have killed my sister's cat.
As I finished telling my story, I looked up to see Leighann approaching. My stomach turned. What do I say to her? How can I comfort her? Do I still try to remain positve, 'Don't worry we'll find him'? How can I tell her that, when I don't believe that we will ever be found.
'Come with me', she said as she lead to somewhere private. My heart went out to her.
Her head down, she told me. 'I'm going home'.
I looked at her, not understanding. Has she given up? 'Why?'
Her voice low, she looked at me with such pain in her eyes. 'I found Jacob's body'.
'What?' My thoughts raced. He's dead. Jacob's dead. I didn't know what to say. My pulse raced, my heart sunk.
'He's dead?' The lingering silence nearly killed me.
Suddenly Leighann's eyes brightened enthusiastically, the tone of her voice changed dramatically.
'No, he's in the car, wanna see him?'
I walked to Leighann's car with jello legs, only to see Jacob in his travel carrier. His face appeared sunken and he was scared..... but HE WAS ALIVE!!!!
'How? When? Where did you find him?'
Leighann had told me that she was in my bedroom when she spotted a little bump moving under my bed sheets. She pulled them back, only to reveal a frightened and hungry little Jacob.
We believe that he had escaped the bathroom out of one of the holes I punched in my closet.

Almost a year later, I visit my parents, and sit in my old bedroom.
My old room, that I decorated and painted myself. My gaze drifts towards the closet, and I see them. The holes. And I hear Leighann's voice, 'I found Jacob's body'.
I laugh at the cruelty of her joke, as the memory comes back.

Happy New Year!!!

Happy New Year!!!
First entry of 2007. A year to the day I started this website.
Spent New Year's at the Johnstown Community Center, with my two friends Melanie & Jessica.
Dave and the rest of the band, 'Scribble', did a fantastic show!!! Good job boys!!!
Visit their website at www.scribbleitdown.com.