It's a good Game!

I never tried out for sports in grade school, because I couldn't play. I was always the last one picked for teams, the one who stood out like a needle in a haystack, with bruised knees and scrawny arms.
I sized up both teams, and secretly hoped I would be on the one with the stronger players, and by stronger I mean, where I'd least likely be noticed.
I suppose even though I was worthy of the most horrible player of the year award, I still enjoyed playing. I simply didn't enjoy the competative nature of the whole game. To me it was just a game. It was all about fun, and enjoying ourselves. Unfortunately, it simply wasn't.
I think it's funny how much fear I brought into the game. The fear of making a mistake, like it would be the end of the world. If it didn't show in my posture, it would likely show on my face. I have what your call severe blushing, it doesn't take much to turn ketchup red. Trust me.

But at home I was fearless it seemed. Picking up spiders, bugs, frogs, crabs. Wild birds, mice, rabbits, chipmunks, seagulls and skunks. Yes, skiunks. That is another story in itself. I picked up pretty much anything that moved with my bare hands. I would climb the highest tree, until as far as I felt the branch would hold my weight. I held my breath with the edrenalyn that raced through my heart. Each footing carefully thought out before I made my move, just like the game of chess.

Until this day my father has instilled the sweet pleasure of a life lesson I will carry through with my daughter.
Although more rare than I would like, every once in a while dad and myself find ourselves blowing dust off the ol' chess board and emersing ourselves in the game of the mind. It is fun. It is intense. It is certainly mind boggling. We are both fighting to win, and praising each others efforts. My dad knows when he's made a good move. He can see it on my face as my mind goes deep into thought. Already thinking about my next move, I try to imagine what dad is thinking. Because he knows so much more than I do, and that is what I admire.

I have inherited my father's perfectionism.
I try so hard to do my best or give up trying. I think it's a blessing and a character flaw at the same time because I often find that I am too hard on myself. Above all I am my own worst critique.
I have given up on a lot of things, because of the ungodly belief that I am not good enough.
But, on the contrary...
This allowed us to become closer. We shared this in common.
like those all nighter assignments you stayed up all night to help me with. That confidence I handed into my English teacher, was that with our minds working together, the many coffee's of course, and the great conversations. We pulled it off!!! They were always the projects I was most proud of, because I had your help.
And you always created the best websites & panoramic photo's. I don't think I totally understood this until I found my artistic side. The hours I put in felt more like minutes. I realized now how we've all become very detail oriented. I just need to focus the details in the right areas.

Another blessing that I have built within my spirit, is patience. That healing/ change & gratification do not come instantly. That we as people are on our own schedules. When we are ready for change, we are more accepting.

So back to our game of chess. I am proud to see your enthusiasm, light up the room. That in all our games of chess, the one and only time I won, I knew was strategy and strategy only. That's what made it special, because it was always a good game no matter who won. I loved that you never just let me win. I had to work for it.

A valued quality I carried through to playing sports.
Unfortunately not everyone loved my enthusiasm, for playing because I couldn't play, but they couldn't see it the way I saw it. I 'll get better. Just you watch.
No time in the world could stop me from getting any worse. By high school, (I haven't played since)for the life of me could not serve the volleyball over the net. Because that annoying voice was ringing inside my ear from the other side of the net. 'No wait. Whoops. Sorry. It was actually my own team screaming, 'Come on, Geez'
Okay so I still suck at playing, some things never change. I obviously hadn't. Neither did the people whom I attended grade school. Still... years later I am humiliated. Therefore I can't play. I can't function.

Hmmm... Future team. How about a little encouragement once in a while. Were on the same team don't forget. You are not a better person than me, nor I a better person than you. It is okay if we play/do things differently. With encouragement is the possibility of getting better.
With discouragement, we are set up for failure.

This works for family members as well. It is known that hurting people hurt people, but really think about what you say before you say it. Imagine for a moment yourself in the position of the recipient of that comment. How would it make you feel?? If it would make you feel bad, why would you say it to someone else?

Future opponent. We are playing the same game. We are both trying are best. And we are both mindful and polite of our differences. We do not need to be the same to succeed. As long as we are proud of how we played. You know when you've been hit. And you know when you need to bring up your game, and you do it with respect.
And when you win, which you will plenty. It's not 'We are the champion's, no time for losers) It's a good game.

I have admiration for that outlook.

Thanks dad.

Monty.... not a monster after all.

Tomorrow brings us to mid November. Where has the time gone?
Looking forward to a special family gathering at mom & dad's for supper tomorrow. We've decided to spend more time together as a family, so we'll make it a top priority to gather together once every one or two months. It isn't exactly easy with a family of six, plus husbands and grandchildren, but I'm glad we are all making an effort.
Since we have come together and opened our hearts to overcome the major obstacles that threatened to separate us, we have all finally arrived on the same page with love, understanding, forgiveness and respect. Never have we ever become so close.

The air doesn't hang so heavy, and the tone has changed drastically. Even the dogs are different. Speaking of dogs, I thought I would share the story of Monty. My mom's little Pomeranian/Yorkshire Terrier mix.
Monty was almost five months old when my mom picked him up from the pet store in which my sister worked. She actually got a little discount because the manager couldn't sell him, 'because he was so ugly' he said. He was small for his age. The runt of the litter. Interesting features unlike any other dog I had seen, he was about the size of a pound of butter.

I was about forteen years old when mom brought him home that night. She brought him to the house where I was babysitting until evening. I can remember the anticipation that ran through me, as I just wanted to get home, to get to know our new little dog.

His body shook with fear, as he had a hard time adjusting to his first night in the new home. I knew that he needed me, so I brought a blanket into the hallway and I slept on the floor with him all night.

So at what point did my tender moments with the little guy turn to anger? I resented Monty so much that on recent visits to my parents I would push him off me, disgusted by the smell of his breath. The way he couldn't control his sneezing and snotting all over me when he got excited. The way his jagged teeth jutted out with an overbite.

On my last visit to my parents, which was Halloween night, I came down to look after the dogs Chloe and Monty while my parents were away for the weekend. It was then that we had our little intervention.

Monty hesistantly came into the bedroom and curled up at the end of the bed. I invited him to come closer, and on his own he wouldn't. I picked his small body up, and he was shaking. The same way he was 10 years earlier, that first night mom brought him home. I realized then that I had been cruel. Not physically, but emotionally I must have made some sort of impact, for him to feel uneasy around me. Which brought me to the question, why? Why had I been so cruel. As crazy as it is, I could actually pinpoint it to the exact day I began to resent him.

I had just moved away from my parents place a few months after I turned nineteen. Just four days after my move, my cat 'Missy' of seven years mysteriously disappeared. At that time it was crushing. I felt heavy, like my lungs were being crushed. I felt like I had lost my closest friend, because I did. As a child I didn't really have a whole lot of friends, so at twelve years old I confided in the one little being that listened to every word I said. That comforted my tears, and kissed away the hurt.
I called home everyday to see if she'd been found, only to find out what I already knew; I would never see her again.

In my desperation for sanity I asked mom if I could take Monty for the night, and she agreed. And so, I spent the night talking to Monty while he listened with complete focus and understanding, even though he had absolutely no clue what I was talking about. He knew in some way I needed him, and maybe he felt it his duty to comfort me as I had him his first night in his new home.
At one point I took him outside for a bathroom break. I hooked him up to his collar, and headed down the three flight of stairs in my pajamas, and big boots that were sizes too big for me. I didn't even think to bring a jacket, as I just thought we'd be in and out. The cold November chill hit me like a slap in the face. It was well below freezing. Monty was in no hurry to do his business.

I slipped on some ice at the same moment Monty pulled away from me, taking off with such lightning speed.
Horrified I thought, 'I just lost my cat, and now I'm going to lose my mother's dog.'
My heart felt like it was splitting in two, as I tried to run after him. The boots were practically falling off my feet, I was slipping on ice, and the cold numbed every inch of my body. After five minutes of panic, desperation and humiliation, I made one last final attempt as I lunged for Monty's leash dragging behind him.
Success. I was so angry when I caught him, I couldn't see straight. My body fueled with tremendous loss, and now relief that he was alive and safe.

It was then, that very day, that I realized how much I had lost. And how much I never wanted to go through that again. And so, Monty became the poor victim of my hatred. 'I will never love you' I told him. 'Never'

In this overwhelming observation it hit me. I have been cruel. Instead of loving Monty, I pushed him away. Instead of praising him, I broke his spirit.

Maybe there was just too much silence in the house while everyone was away. Maybe I was just lonely, that I actually had a conversation with Monty and asked for his forgiveness. For the first time in five years, he snuggled up to me without feeling uncomfortable. I felt his loyalty and I felt his love. Just a simple moment, that softened a coldness in my heart. That little Monty, unique in his own way, was not a monster after all.

Remember this day, Remembrance day.

If you want the truth, just ask.
I would be more than happy to give you an honest answer.

I you want help, seek it.
I would be more than willing to be a listening ear.

If you want advise, experience it.
Decide for yourself, and ask me to embrace it with you, with just as much passion.
I will be your support.

If you want to learn something, DO IT!! Learn all that you want to know.
Then decide if it's worth your time.

If you want something out of reach, grab a stool, and stand on your tip toes,
until you can grasp it firmly, then relax with the reflections of your journey.
Look how far you've come to get there.

If someone tells you that you can't,
Prove them wrong, or accept your losses and start over. Perhaps starting over would be the beginning of a new life, that you love more.

A breath of fresh air. Take it. You can.
You can breath, you can live, and you can enjoy each day until the very last.

Why are you stuck somewhere that is unmotivating/depressing your every strengths into weaknesses? What can you do to change it? What have you got to lose, why not make the next step? Why are you so afraid to move forward? Why are you so afraid of your own truth? And why is it that you are so afraid to ask for help? Not only just by asking, but by accepting it as well.
Why can't you accept it, if it will make you feel better? Why turn your back on something good? Why is it that you feel that you don't deserve it? Who did you believe, that froze your insides. That in that instant, your body grew up, but your mind never had the chance to, because that person you believed.
That person that told you you couldn't do something was nobody other than yourself,
after you heard it the first time.

Children are cruel. They don't know any better, and the only mannerisms they learn need to be taught. Which is why I would much rather take a stand, and set a positive example, so that one day our children will look back and remember all those wonderful memories that brought us closer.
That looking back at those magical moments, and being thankful for all that you experienced and all the lessons that you learned from making mistakes along the way,

Brings you to this exact moment and who you are today.

You are a better person, because you have decided that you've had enough.
Your lifting it up off your shoulders and throwing as far away from you as you can.
Today is the day you take in all that you deserve. All the love and support, all the encouragement, all the affection... BECAUSE YOU ARE LOVED. Today is the day that you will give back many times more than you receive, and feel good about it. Humble your heart with the beauty of love, laughter and life.


I love you. When you mess up, and feel guilty because you've fallen off the wagon again. For the first. Second. Tenth time. I still love you and I always will.
No one or anything can ever come between that love. No comprise. No temptation. No weakness. I love you know matter what. And because I love you that much. Because I would die for you, but live now inside of you, in your heart. I ask you, that all I need from loving you is for you to love me.

Love me.... I will love you until the end and thereafter.
Love me... I will bring you the peace and happiness you are looking for.
Love me... and tell me your hurt, I will pray for your healing.
Love me... and I will devote my spirit, fur-fill your aspirations with love and support.
Love me... and I will protect you. I will never betray you. I will not hurt you.
I will not judge.
Love me as I love you.
Love yourself as you love me.

Remember today, remember the day,
The day that changed you life.
After today there's no looking back
Beginning tomorrow get your life on back on track.
Sleep well, relax, hope lingers in the air.
Inhale the sweet pleasures that faith will take you there.
Believe, you shall receive. Call my name and open your heart.
I am your friend I would only listen, I put my trust in your every decision.
Without the judgement in my soul, maybe telling me could fill the hole.
You'll never know if you back out with doubt.
Isn't that something too talk about? Something that you could live without?
As the seasons that change within your soul, let winter not be the cold in your heart.
Just because you see what that it is cold and dead outside, does not mean you can't be warm inside.
Rekindle your love. Rekindle your passion.
Let your fire drive you and lead you in the right direction.
Keep in mind though your passion may not be perfect. You don't need to be the best out there, just be the best within yourself, That is all I care.


I Love you.... I will love you until the end and thereafter.
I love you... I will bring you the peace and happiness you are looking for.
I love you... I will open my heart, and tell you how I feel.
I love you... and I will devote my spirit, fur-fill your dreams with love and support.
I love you...I will never betray you. I will not hurt you.
I will not judge.
Love me as I love you.
Love yourself as you love me.

Remember today,
Remembrance day,

The day that many of us remember our loved ones who fought so hard to stay alive.
The love you've never really lost. Love is forever. Our lost love's are waiting on the other side.
That the pain they have suffered, is merely a tainted scar, because underneath the surface the damage didn't get too far.
As spiritual beings, we are surrounded, protected by an invisible source, in everyone's heart I speak, is the voice of our dear Lord.

I remember today as a day that I remember the love in my heart for all those people who suffered or are suffering. All the family that lived through it.
Deepest sympathies for those who could not be with us today. My loved one's. Your loved one's. It is with such fond memories in my life that have kept me going. The future holds a glimmer of hope for a better tomorrow.
So that in my own battle for survival, I live a success. I am remembered in the end.
As 11/11 seems to be the driving force of my life, I am purposely delivering this message, so that my heart is open to change.
I am willing to do whatever it takes.

This was my first task.

Love & prayers,
God bless

P.S
The exact time I finished this post was at 11:11pm on November 11th.

We had a wonderful Halloween. Rebecca enjoyed her first 'Trick or treat', and said her good-byes with a polite thank-you. She was dressed as a sweet little Lady Bug, and sweet she was melting the hearts of many.

We went to Cornwall to visit Ma mere, at the pet store beforehand. Rebecca enjoyed petting the kittens, and making fish faces into the aquariums. Her favorite source of entertainment was no doubt the cat toys.

After our night out, we ended up in Johnstown to visit my parents. Our tuckered out little girl was ready for bed.
So now we come to the first of November. A 'White Rabbit' as my grandad would say. In his memory I pulled out some old home movies, in search of a one minute video footage of my grandad. Most of the time he was the one who stood behind the camera, but I remembered there was one clip among all of them with his smiling face that I yearned to see again. His laughter that lit up the room. His voice.

I found it. He was singing his silly song...
'What do you do with a drunken sailor' Which my mother began and my grandad joined in.
'What do you do with a drunken sailor', That finished with a 'Early in the morning', but instead he raised his beer and sang, 'Give him another beer.'
Then he entertained us with a shuffle.

My eyes watered to see him again. To hear his voice that I miss so much. I don't think a day goes by that I don't think about him. I Love you, and I will never forget you.