Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Summer Fun!!

I am thoroughly enjoying my time at home with Becca and Abby. Every day is one new adventure after another, and no two days are alike. Our days are full of unexpected surprises, I never know what each day will bring.

Each morning Abby wakes up with a beaming smile. She lies on her belly, and pulls the bumper pad down enough to rest her chin on. When I come into the room she kicks her legs with excitement. We have a wonderful breakfast together, which follows with fruit. Abby loves berries of every kind. She grabs them by the fist full, squeezes them and then compacts them all into her little mouth.

Just the other day, I brought out Abby's ball. We spent quite an amount of time passing it back and forth between us, before Abby smiled and said.. 'Baw'. Her first word other then mama and dada.
Followed by 'Daw' and her panting like a dog. In just a few weeks my baby girl will be one. I can hardly believe it's been a year. Where has the time gone?

Becca is an amazing big sister, she absolutely adores Abby. She is always playing with Abby and pretending that is her baby. Sometimes I need to remind her that Abby is a little person, not a doll.

Becca, Abby and I have been swimming alot lately. Abby absolutely loves the water, and Becca is just learning how to swim. Her determination astounds me. She leaps from the ladder into the water and gives it her hardest doggy paddle, she wanted me to let her go on her own until she sunk. I pulled her up just as her head sunk bellow the surface and she excitedly beamed 'that was good for a first time, right mama?'

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Numb Feel (Revised)

I wrote this poem in my very early twenties... It brought focus into my life, and made me realize that I needed to make some really big changes. I've finally revised, and completed the final draft and dedicate this poem for anyone struggling with addiction.

Numb Feel
Fast asleep, body numb
Can't move, can't speak, can't undo what's been done
Addiction will tell you nothing but lies,
to numb your brain, to just get high.
Numb the pain, the inside anger.
Numb the sirens, red lights of danger.
Numb your spirit, let the fire die.
Numb your emotions, there's no need to cry.
Numb your love for the hurt it brings,
Numb yourself of all things.
Numb your body of the hurt in the past,
Numb the memories you don't want to last.
To enjoy the moment that brings you power, entertainment, and release.
To not think about the one's you've tried forever, and still cannot seem to please.

Time to make changes, because numbing out the world will not solve your problems.
Open your eyes take a look around, so that when problems arise you can solve them.

Let go of the imperfections you cannot change.
Let go of the insecurities, the people you blame.
Let go of the one you compare yourself to,
the one you wish to walk a day in their shoes.
Let go of the shame you hold onto,
before it becomes your life, before it controls you.

Forgive the one who broke your heart, the one you now despise.
Forgive the one who told you so, the one who thinks she's so wise.
Forgive the one who laughs in your face, when something doesn't go right.
Remember we all make mistakes, and from darkness there is light.
Remember the opportunity that passed you by?
When you thought you were not good enough and never bothered to try.
Who cares about the possibility you won't get picked,
if it doesn't work out, atleast you tried it.

Take time away for yourself, think about how you truly feel.
Without addiction to hide behind, the truth will be revealed.
Feel the painful memories, let the healing begin.
Feel the strengths you have inside not the weaknesses within.
Feel the love, mend your broken heart.
Feel the hurt that made you fall apart.
Feel the weight being lifted off your shoulders,
Feel the comfort when someone holds you.
Feel the moment that brings you pleasure with no shame,
for all the times you cross that line, you've only yourself to blame.
You don't have to be perfect, you don't have to be like someone else.
Feel the need to be you, and no one else, otherwise you'll lose yourself.
Feel these feelings, deal with them as they come.
Numbing it out, holding it inside, the battle cannot be won.
Feel the courage to ask for help.... you don't need to go through this alone.
And love will lend you a helping hand, love will guide you home.

Appreciate what you already have

Its been months since Ive been on my blog. Since Ive written anything at all. In truth, I have been avoiding it. I know that I need to get back in the swing of things and keep pouring my heart out, because essentially that is my way of healing.

I am feeling somewhat better with the nice weather now in season, beckoning me out hybernation. For awhile there I really just wanted to isolate myself from the world, but slowly one day at a time I am taking small baby steps forward.

My girls are my inspiration, my motivation, my joy, my purpose and that is enough to keep me going through these times of hardships. Ive surrounded myself with the small things that bring me inner joy, peace and harmony. I have God to guide me prayerfully in the right direction. I have the sweet essence and beauty of nature. I have the sights, smells, and wonders of the world right at my finger tips... and I have an overflowing amount of love to be grateful for. I have my family and friends who have been there with me every step of the way through the tears, the laughter, the good, the bad and the ugly. I could not ask for more. Times are hard, yes, but God has given me strength and all that I need to keep moving  forward.

I am still grieving my losses... and that is okay. Not everyone heals instantly, some wounds are deeper than others. I am learning a lot about myself in the process. Most of what I lost are just outter things... Not who I am. We are not defined by the home we live in, our jobs, the cars we drive, our bank accounts or our relationships even. It took losing all those things for me to realize that. That was a big lesson for me to learn... those things will not bring happiness if that is what you are searching for. I am turning to God to help me find inner joy, inner peace and confidence in who I am, and only then I will be ready for other things, but first I must appreciate what I already have.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

My oldest daughter 'Becca' who's now 5, has never been one to have temper tantrums. Sure there is the odd melt down, but she has developed a way of calming herself, and really communicating her feelings. It wasn't until the other night when she was really sad, and asked me to sing her 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star' that gave me a flash back of Becca as a toddler. I remember the day like yesterday, that Becca completely lost it with the melt down of all melt downs. She had literally lost all control, and was unable to communicate her frustration to me. When I told her that she needed to try and calm herself down, she said something to me that really pulled at my heart strings.
'I can't mommy. I can't calm myself down.' I knew then what I had to do. I could have reacted, threw my hands up in the air, and sent her to her bedroom... but no... I knew that I had to help her calm down, because she was not capable at that moment to do it on her own. I pulled her in close, cradled her body tight next to mine, rocked her back and forth and sang 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star', over and over until she began to sing with me in between light sobs. We did this every time she 'lost it', and tempers became less frequent. It melted my heart that she remembered, and asked me to give her that comfort the other night... and so we both sang 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star'

Monday, October 15, 2012

Monday, October 08, 2012

It is Thanksgiving day and I have so much to be grateful for. I am grateful for family and friends who have been tremendously supportive during this most difficult time. I am grateful for my two beautiful girls that are the light of my life. I am grateful for my health, and the health of those close to me. I am grateful for the last three years under the roof of my home, the experiences and lessons that I have learned along the way... but I am also grateful to a new beginning, and hopeful that good will come out of starting over.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Now that Abby is almost 2 months old (on October 2nd) I figured that it's about time she graduates from her bassinette in our bedroom to her crib in her own bedroom. It was not the easiest decision, but my sleep is very important to me and the amount I was losing each night listening to all of her little baby grunts and stretches was starting to take it's tole. It's been 2 nights, and so far so good.
I went to bed last night at 9:15pm, and woke up this morning with a little more energy than what I've been running on in the last few weeks.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Becca & Abby

The resemblance between Abby to her big sister Becca (in picture) at 4 weeks old brings a smile to my face

Abby 7 weeks
Becca 8 weeks

Monday, September 17, 2012

One tired momma

The last few nights have been miserable with both Becca and Abby sick with colds. Becca's been on her asthma pump for days, and Abby is having a real hard time sleeping due to really bad congestion. So feedings have been stressful on both of us. I've noticed the last few days that sleep deprivation is taking it's tole on my already cloudy mommy brain. Just the other day I went shopping with my sister, I misplaced my keys 3 times, lost a baby blanket and my sweater... but the worst was at the checkout when I glanced over at my Abby's empty bucket seat and thought... oh, god where's the baby?? It was then that I realized that I was holding her.

Becca got her first big hair cut on the weekend, it looks amazing. Not only that but it's so much easier to comb through, and I'm wondering why I didn't have it done much sooner. There was something about the way she slept that left her hair with really bad tangles that was extremely time consuming and painful for her to work through with a comb. So I am very pleased with the results of her new do. 



Thursday, September 06, 2012

Lyrics from the heart of a mom

Lucky # 5

Both of my girls are 5!!! Becca five years old, and Abby is 5 weeks old today! Dave took her today for her doctor's appointment, she weighs now 10lbs. 12oz. Abby gained one whole pound since last week. I just packed away all of her 3 month sleepers, where her toes were about to burst through the bottoms, out came the 3-6 month clothes.

Becca started school this week. It's an adjustment for all of us. There's been a couple mornings of tears, and Becca asking to stay home. Hopefully, it will get a little easier... as we've started to get back to our school night bedtime routine.

The daycare is open again full swing with a much smaller and older group. I've got my two three year old boys full time and a few drop ins a coupe of hours a week. It's actually really nice running the daycare upstairs and soaking up that beautiful sunshine coming in through the windows.

Monday, August 20, 2012

And then there were two

Abigail is now just over two weeks old and already she's outgrown her newborn sleepers. When did that happen? It's been very busy around here, which is expected of course... but among the whole shift of adjustment to life with a newborn and a five year old, there is also some major renovations taking place. Shortly after coming home from the hospital we received the unwelcome news about the flooding in our basement, which had happened only a few days prior. It turns out that we need to have all of the pipes replaced, so sometime this week there will be a crew jack hammering my basement floor to bits. It was heart breaking news, but in the end everything kind of worked itself out.

On the bright side, Abby is an amazing baby. I look at her and I can't get over the resemblance to Becca at that age. Becca absolutely adores her baby sister and is such a big helper. She involves herself in every diaper change, every burp, every feeding, every bath. She talks to Abby, plays with her. sits with her propped up all nice and snug with my nursing pillow.  My nursing pillow... why didn't I invest in one of those with Becca? It makes feeding time so much easier, on both of us.

Slowly but surely we are trying to get Abby on a routine. First and foremost we are trying to switch around our nights to days so that Abby's 3 hour fully alert waking in the middle of the night, takes place during the day. This means trying to keep my comatose baby awake a little more during the day which is nearly impossible when she is such a deep sleeper. Thank goodness Becca is a really good sleeper at night, she is immune to Abigail's midnight fuss and doesn't hear a thing. In fact she even comments the next day, 'Abby is such a good sleeper, I didn't hear her at all'. After weeks of Dave and I explaining to Becca that babies cry, and night times will be an adjustment for all of us. So I am glad that atleast one of us is sleeping peacefully.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Baby Abby is here!!!

Finally baby Abby has arrived!!! It's been a really busy week, and I just haven't had the time to sit down and write... so this is just a quick update.

Abigail Lauren Moquin was born Thursday August 2nd, 2012 @ 4:23pm, weighing 7lbs. 9oz. and 19' 1/2 inches long. I went in at 7:30am and was induced by 8:10am, and from there labor progressed rather quickly. It was the most beautiful moment when she finally made it into my arms, and so special for Becca to finally meet her little sister.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Due any day now

Today was my actual due date, but like Becca (who was eight days late), it seems that baby Abby is following suit, and must be quite comfortable right where she is. I am just hoping that she holds off until after tomorrow, as Dave will be playing in 'Rib Fest' with his band 'SwitchGear'. I am really looking forward to going with Becca, and mom and dad who will be coming to Cornwall tomorrow... for some great food and entertainment.

This week has been a busy one... This past Monday I had taken Becca swimming with a friend and her two boys. We came back to the house for some snacks, and out of the blue Becca just started screaming. 'Mommy I've been stung, a bee... a bee stung me.' I ran over to her, and saw the wasp caught up in her hair, and without any hesitation I scooped her up and swatted it away. It broke my heart to see my girl in so much pain, something I had hoped she would never experience, but my brave girl was over it five minute later. She wanted the world to know, that she had been stung... and even today five days later I heard her telling her story.

I was at the pool again with Becca today, and held her as she practiced her doggy paddle. 'Ok, mommy... let go.' She tried her hardest to stay a float, but she knew that mommy was there by her side to help. We came home, and got straight into our pajamas... I had planned on going to bed early but as tired as my body is, I can't seem to shut my mind off.

39 weeks pregnant

39 weeks pregnant

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Less than two more weeks to go before we finally get to meet our baby Abigail. I can hardly wait!!!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Catch Up

It's been a few weeks since I've have the time to sit down and write on my blog so I thought I would take a moment to catch up.

The daycare is still running smoothly, and will continue right up until the end of July... but before then, some of my little ones will be finishing up with me in the next few weeks. My first to leave will be Morgan, with her last day (this Friday) quickly approaching, I can't promise that there will be no tears. Morgan, began daycare with me when she was about 18 months old, and now she is 4 1/2 and starting a summer daycare where she will be going to school this fall. I've watched her grow from a toddler to such an extraordinary little girl over the last few years, and have seen a beautiful friendship grow between Morgan and Becca that I feel so blessed to have been a part of. I would have to say that saying good-bye is probably the hardest part of my job.

Another little one of mine with his final weeks coming to a close is a very special little man. He is my smallest little guy, with the biggest smile, an amazing spirit always doing something to make me laugh, and always in such a great mood. It will not be the same around here without him.

But... the wonderful thing that I share in common with the mommies of the two above, is that we are all expecting. Morgan's mommy in the fall, and my little man's mommy is due two weeks before me.

Becca is almost finished her first year of school 'Junior Kindergarten' for the summer. Tomorrow her class is going on a field trip to the bird sanctuary at Upper Canada Village. Becca is thrilled that she happens to also be the leader for that day, and has been looking forward to it all week.

Baby Abigail is growing like a wild weed. I am all belly this pregnancy. From behind I just look like I normally would, until I turn to the side it looks as though I am carrying a basketball under my shirt. 5 more weeks to go!!

Monday, June 04, 2012

31 Weeks and counting

The weeks seem to be flying by like days. I'm sure I say that a lot, but lately it has been so busy, that before I know it I am another week further along in my pregnancy. I met with Dr. Levac today to go over my blood sugar results that I have been recording this past week. It seems that I am doing well with changing my diet, but there is still room for improvement. Atleast now I have an idea of what works, and what does not. I am almost 32 weeks pregnant, and so far so good. At this point baby Abigail's expected rate of growth is about 1/2 a pound a week until she is born. So basically between now and then she will double in size. She is moving around so much now, and sliding her little limbs along my belly so that I look lopsided and slightly deformed. It's quite entertaining.

Becca can hardly wait to hold her baby sister, she's always talking and kissing into my belly every chance she gets. I am so glad that I have that 5 year age gap between the two, it's just amazing to see Becca so involved, and so excited to meet Abigail, that I feel like this was the best decision for us to wait.

Saturday, June 02, 2012

A journey of self discovery

I've been devouring myself lately in self help books. Mostly guides on how to improve my writing skills, how to uncover and rediscover creativity and be healthy. There are so many things that I want to be able to do, and so much knowledge and wisdom out there to learn from. So to narrow it down to small baby steps, I will begin with my top three wants.

1. First and foremost I want to be healthy, because without my health everything else that I want will probably just disintegrate with exhaustion, depression and illness. I need to eat healthier, go to bed earlier, exercise and really take the time to meditate on all of the positives in my life because there is just so much to be grateful for. So this want, is my first priority.

2. I want to discover who I am as an artist. This is another big want, because deep down I know that I was meant to have a place in the creative world. I am one that needs the freedom to explore with no time restrictions, or pressing deadlines. One that is fascinated by learning, travel and nature... My spirit craves the big open wilderness, and flees from any sort of bounds of domestication. It is my desire to someday travel the open road without a map, or any particular destination in mind, and that is exactly where I want to be with my writing. Unplanned, unpredictable, and spontaneous.

3. I want to strengthen my relationships with my family, friends, and acquaintances. I want to be known as a very loving, caring person who doesn't waste time holding grudges or let anger poison my soul. There is too much to be thankful for to let the negatives be anything more than a passing feeling that you can simply let go of. Life is too short.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Believe in yourself

I need to get into the habit of going to bed earlier, eating healthier, and exercising my mind, body and soul on a daily basis. As far as writing goes I am trying to find small moments each day to spend quietly by myself, but as it happens... inspiration doesn't always strike in times when I am good, ready and waiting for it to come. I need to write, as I need to breathe. I need to practice, and explore my inner self without the pressure of producing something great and expectations that I must see instantaneous results. I forget that this is a process, one that cannot be rushed. One that will not happen overnight. This process is gradual, and must be taken one day at a time. Writing is for myself, with creations not meant to be graded. It is meant to be reckless. It is meant to explore. It is meant to make mistakes. It is a means of moving forward and remembering each day for what it is... a gift.

I have been waiting for what it seems like an eternity for something to happen. Something that grabs hold of me, shaking me to my senses. Then 'VOILA', it appears right in front of my very eyes and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was what I was meant to do. This is what I was created for. In reality I have absolutely no idea what I want or where I want to go. Something tells me, that maybe I should stop waiting and start looking. That perhaps what I have been waiting for, has been all along waiting for me to find 'it'. Is that where I have lost faith? I have to see it to believe it? If it's not there in front of me, or if I don't have an answer it was never meant to be? I admit I have my doubts. I fight doubt every single day, it seems that I am always second guessing myself. But... is it really doubt? or is it fear?

Believe in yourself
Believe in love
Believe in forgiveness
Believe in trust
Believe in others, as others believe in you
Believe in making your dreams come true

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

They know me too well

I don't buy it because I know I'll eat it all. You know it's a problem when your 5 year old reminds her daddy to hide the box before he goes to bed. I had to laugh when I saw this neatly wrapped bowl of cereal on the table this morning with the attached note.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Pregnancy Update

So I am just now over 28 weeks pregnant with 12 weeks left to go. I was referred by my doctor to a diabetic clinic to work on a diet plan for gestational diabetes. He doesn't think I will need to go on insulin, but I really need to watch what I eat in the next few months. Our little Abigail is getting bigger and stronger by the day. There is lots of movement, kicks, and rolling around going on in there. It's just so amazing to feel and see, words can not even begin to describe the little miracle growing inside me. Becca is so excited to meet her baby sister. My due date is July 27th, but I have a feeling that this little gal will be an early arrival. I remember thinking the same thing with Becca, and she was 8 days late, so I guess you never really know. They will come out when they are good and ready.
I thought that May would never come, with all off the busy chaos and April rush around I am finally able to relax and catch my breath. My sister Cindy had a beautiful wedding, and it was such an honor to stand by her side on her big day. Although it could have been a little warmer, it wasn't raining, so I guess I can't really complain.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Tea Party

'Hello', I said, greeting all of our guests around the table. There was Becca, pink rabbit, and Barbie. 'That's not how we say it at a Royal Tea Party mamma' Becca corrected. 'We say, how do you do?'

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Memories to last forever

Trying to relax and simply enjoy the weekend. I am visiting my parents home in Johnstown, and taking in all the new changes all around, which is taking quite a bit to get used to. There have been many renovations in their home over the last three weeks. It's almost as though everytime I look up, my eyes are playing tricks on me. I expect to see the dark plum colored living room, and it's now a neutral beige. Upstairs in our old bedrooms it's really bizzare... Looking at my little sister Cindy's old room, now missing the four floor to ceiling wall murals of life under the sea, is just strange. I remember her begging mom to let her paint just one shark, and how one shark became two, and through the passing months there became schools of fish, coral, seaweed, rocks, and more fish. It was like walking into an aquarium. All of that is now gone.

And my old bedroom...with the African Lion Safari theme. I remember the rough patch I hit in my life when I decided to pick up my things and move out. Not exactly the best decision I ever made, and one that had me crawling back only three months later. As it turned out my roommate and her boyfriend carried an insane amount of drama that drove me to get the heck out of there as fast as I could. At that point, I had lost track of how many holes her boyfriend had put into the walls with his raging childlike fits, and I honestly just couldn't cope. I was indeed a rebellious young teenager who wanted to make my own rules, and honestly coming back home was the best decision. I remember coming back home and thinking, 'I cannot move back into that pink room' and so I expressed my wild side with a full bedroom make over... with safari themed inspiration. All of that is now gone.

After all of us have now have spread our wings and left the nest, my mom and dad have decided that it is time to downsize. The colors have been painted over, but the memories will last forever.

Saturday, April 07, 2012

Birthday party for a princess

Becca climbed into my bed at 6am this morning, 'When is my birthday party?' Followed by 'how much longer?' every ten minutes. Thank goodness I planned for an earlier party this year at 11am, I don't think she could have taken much more. Sleeping Beauty arrived right on schedule... and the girls were so delighted. It was such a wonderful day. Rebecca and the other girl's really enjoyed having Sleeping Beauty read them a story, do their make up, and all of the other fun surprises!!!
It was a really special day, thanks to the Bibbidi Bobbidi magic that made Becca's fairytale dreams come true!

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

5 years ago...

5 years ago I was eating the most wonderful dish of spaghetti, with a side of garlic toast. So delicious in fact, that as I began the first stages of labor, I insisted on finishing before making that final trip to the hospital. When I felt a contraction I stood up, walked it out, and then sat back down.

Tomorrow at 4:53am my baby girl turns 5.

Just today she came with me to my 5th month baby check up. She smiled at the sound of the baby's beating heart.

Monday, April 02, 2012

Through the eyes of my little girl

I read that sometimes images can spark creativity, and inspiration. My daughter was very intrigued by some images and something about her observations fascinated me, so I thought would share. In the first picture she described this place as pretty. `The flowers are colorful, I would smell them and pick some for you.`

In the next picture she described this place as spooky. `The water is grey, the bridge looks old, and the trees look dark... if I was standing there I would run away.`

Sunday, April 01, 2012

One day at a time

I am really trying my hardest to set more time aside for myself to write. Not only when I feel that sweet pang of inspiration, but also when I feel the furthest from motivation to write or even want to look at a pen and let it all out. I am like a chamber, a holder of information that I often times keep to myself. Slowly I am working to explore these thoughts, and somehow put the pieces of the puzzle together. Aren't people fascinating?? Not only am I on a journey of self discovery, but I am truly interested in other people, their experiences, and behaviors. People are sometimes just so quick to judge... you here someone say 'Oh, that person is crazy'. They can say that without ever having spent one day in that person's shoes. Without knowing the life that that individual has lived. I think at some point or another everyone shows a sign of a personality disorder, or experiences an incredible amount of stress that might temporarily have them acting in a way that might be considered bizarre. I will be the first to admit I have gone through many periods where I have questioned my own sanity.

As early as eleven I remember watching ever so carefully what I ate, depriving myself even, of food in fear of ever gaining weight. I had such a poor self image of myself that I was constantly comparing myself to others, and felt that I had no value. I was not important. I was a nobody. I lived these feelings every day with a smile on my face, and a sense of humor to cover up the ugly.

In high school I experimented with drugs. I remember that my first taste of marijiwana was to fit in. Isn't that how it usually begins? It was an aweful experience, and I really don't know what made me even think to ever want to try it again, but I suppose I could compare it to my first hangover, I distinctly remember saying 'I'm never drinking again'. After smoking pot a few times more, I quickly learned there was a trick to it... mind over matter. Soon there was no longer any panic or paranoia, and it became a very pleasant escape. Some people say that pot is not addictive, but I beg to differ. I agree that it does not have the same addictive qualities as nicotine, they both have very different with-drawl affects in my own personal experience. I hid the fact that I smoked pot on a daily basis for almost a year, as I never did it as a means of getting high/stoned, or beyond stupid. I took it in extremely small doses, several times a day, to feel normal. It was like taking medication for pain, and this was my way of making the hurt go away.

I struggled so much with my identity as a teenager, seeking the approval of others, and never really standing on my own two feet. All of my relationships were people pleasing, exhausting, and simply unhealthy, yet I worried so much about losing them, or feeling like I was just a big disappointment. I wish I could just go back and have a heart to heart chat with my sixteen year old self with the wisdom that I've come to know today... but it was through those experiences that has made me who I am, good and bad, I accept it all as it is.

We all know that one can never change the past, but we do have the power to make better choices now for the future. Just take it one day at a time.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Night Chills

Another late nighter... wonderful. I really need to work on getting to bed much earlier. Something came to my mind this evening as I was tidying up around the house. It may sound silly I know, but it's I guess one of my random quirks of the unknown... for some reason, strange no doubt I am afraid of basements at night. Not just any basement, ALL BASEMENTS!! It's been a fear that has lingered with me for as long as I can remember. It's as though my imagination gets the best of me. So while I was cleaning up, I remembered that I never opened all of the doors downstairs, to check and make sure I didn't leave on any lights. Funny that I even contemplated bringing a knife down with me, for why?? I do not know.

I have this memory from my childhood, of a hamster that my sister had who disappeared after my youngest sister left the cage door open by accident. We looked for days, leaving food out for it, but no luck. One night two of my sisters went down into the basement to get a school project when they found the poor little hamster dead on the floor. It turned out that it had fallen through a hole in the floor above to the basement below where it perished. I remember my sisters in tears describing in detail what they found... it's eyes wide, it's mouth open... and the trail of blood it left behind. It chilled me to the bone to hear this, especially being only six years old. But what really topped it all off was when my sister went down stairs to bring up a glass of water, and then came back up in tears. What could have upset her so bad? She explained through sobs that she was on her way to the kitchen, and as she was passing the door to the basement, the door creaked open a crack. She watched in horror as she saw the hamster coming towards her with glowing red eyes, and about ten times it's normal size. It was breathing heavily, and as it walked it's claws picked at the carpet. My sister tried closing her eyes in hopes that the image would go away, but she could still hear it's snarly breath and the claws pulling at the carpet getting closer and closer. It was then that she tore up the stairs in hysterics. At six years old, when I heard this... I had nightmares for ages. We were all so young, and at the age it is hard to tell the difference between what is real and what is in our imaginations. Maybe a small part of that experience is directly related to my fear of basements after hours?

Still very busy, busy, busy

Almost 22 weeks pregnant!! I can hardly believe how quickly the weeks seem to be flying by, especially these last few weeks. The weekend that just past, we threw a bridal shower for my youngest sister Cindy. It turned out amazingly well, and was so much fun to plan. The focus now for this upcoming weekend is the stag and doe.

Easter weekend we will be celebrating my daughter's 5th birthday. My little girl will be 5!!! Where has the time gone, it seems like just yesterday we brought our little bundle of joy home from the hospital, and now we are planning a party for a princess.

I am trying to slow April down, and the funny thing is that it hasn't even started yet. Every weekend is busy, and I'm still trying to figure out where I'm going to squeeze in my dress fittings. Hopefully I will fit into my dress for the big day on April 27th... by then I will be six months along.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Busy, busy, busy

So this week is what I would call a milestone!! 20 Weeks pregnant, that's officially half way there. Abigail's kicks are getting stronger by the day, especially at night, after an entire day of my movement lulling her to sleep, by the time I go to bed it feels like a party is going on in there.

End of March/April are incredibly busy. I am exhausted just thinking about it. I am the maid of honor in my little sister's wedding at the end of April, so weekends are full of planning, preparing, dress fittings, rehearsal dinners and parties. Not to mention in between Rebecca and her cousin Chrysler will be celebrating their 5th birthday only 3 days apart. As much as I am trying to remain enthusiastic about the most important day of my sister's life, I selfishly admit I am dreading missing out on much needed sleep. I know, I know.... I am little bit of a party pooper. And believe me there was a day back in the day when I really enjoyed the night life, but it seems that now I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to stay out past my bedtime.

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

18 weeks & counting

It's been quite some time since I've blogged, so I thought it's about time I catch up. We finally after many months of anxiously waiting found out that we are expecting another baby girl. We decided on the name 'Abigail Lauren Moquin'. I will never forget the look on Becca's face when we told her that she was going to have a baby sister. It was very exciting news for her.

Officially I am now 18 weeks pregnant, with 22 more weeks to go. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, and learned I've gained 3 lbs. since my last visit. Again, I have to really watch my sugar intake. I'll admit that I have caved to cravings for sweets lately, so now I need to focus and get back on track. I've been feeling lots of little kicks, getting stronger by the day. It seems as like it was just yesterday that we found out we were expecting, and now we are almost half way through. Time is flying, and July is just around the corner.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Snake bite

I have been told that pregnancy enhances vivid dreams to a whole other level. It must be true to some extent... some mornings I wake up thinking to myself, 'What just happened?' Last night was one of those nights. There is only one thing I remember from last nights dream that clearly stands out.
'I picked up a snake, and for some reason I was purposely aggravating it. Tapping it on the nose, teasing it. The snake transformed into what initially looked non threatening into something barely recognizable. It's smooth head, was now full of tiny horns, and it's toothless mouth now exposed a mouthful of sharp fangs. It bit down on my left thumb hard. At first I tried shaking it off, but it's grip held firm. Then I grabbed it's head and squeezed as hard as I could, finally releasing it's hold. I threw it across the room and it disappeared. Clearly I was in shock, examining the tiny holes, in a perfect circle around the knuckle of my thumb. Surprisingly I wasn't in a tremendous amount of pain. Then I noticed something. Something I had never seen before. Each tiny tooth hole, had a very small fine feathery like thing sticking out of it. I tried brushing them away, but they were each imbedded in to my skin like porcupine quills. I plucked one of them, and almost immediately regretted my decision. It seemed that removing it released a toxic venom into my system, that swelled my thumb up five times it's normal size. When it started to turn purple, I then began to panic.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Weeks are flying by like days it seems. I am officially just over 3 months pregnant, and finally feeling somewhat normal in regards to having energy, and eating food other than bread, cereal and pasta. I am three months pregnant and already I am wearing maternity clothing that I only needed when I was six months pregnant with Becca. There is no denying that there is certainly a baby growing in there.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

This is what makes my little girls day. It's what she looks forward to, who wouldn't? Her house is equipped with a big enough family for a full house, and every detail you could possibly imagine. We spend a great deal of our time setting up each room, until finally we can start our game. Often times we leave it set up, so we can continue our game right where we left off for the next day. This is what I want to hold onto forever.

Saturday, January 14, 2012


We had a wonderful family movie night last night, that was one to simply cherish. I have never heard Becca laugh so hard through anything as she did for 'Mr. Poppers penguins'. It was one of those deep hearty laughs, and hard to contain giggles that seemed to vibrate through the living room. It was contagious, you just couldn't help but laugh.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Baby Brain

I have some serious baby brain happening here, that I've just recently come to terms with. First and foremost, I am one that can't seem to remember to take daily vitamins without being pregnant, let alone in the midst of my first trimester, where we all have a moment every now and then where you'd swear you'd lose your head if it weren't attached. Last night we went to Walmart and I found a little container of gummie vitamins for Becca, more so as a reminder for me to take my prenatal vitamins, because Becca is like an elephant, she never forgets. Never. When we started the advent calendar for the month of December, that was the first thing that came out of her mouth every morning upon entering my room up until Christmas.

Needless to say, after I paid for my purchases, I walked away forgetting to take the bag of goods with me. Luckily, somebody was paying attention.

At 7am on the button, Becca came in to wake me up... 'Mommy, I need to take my vitamin now.' I needed a reminder, and it seems I may have found a solution.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

I read today that 'The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.'

Monday, January 09, 2012

Singleton it is

So we had our very first ultrasound today, and it was somewhat of a relief to see one baby. Not that twins wouldn't be a wonderful surprise, and something I admit I have fantasized about, the reality would be so much different. I remember with Becca those sleepless nights, the feedings, the diaper changes, the fussy hours of the day that I somehow managed to auto pilot my way through. Now times those efforts by two.

But... twice the smiles, twice the first steps, twice the love. It would make it all worth while.

Really, I feel so completely blessed to have one single healthy baby. That in itself is a miracle.

Thursday, January 05, 2012

Double Trouble

Officially today I am 10 weeks pregnant. I am so excited, and anxious for our very first doctor's appointment on Monday and even more so for that very first ultrasound. This pregnancy is a little different from when I was pregnant with Becca. I never once lost my appetite, and this time around I have my days where I can't handle much more than toast and cheerios.

I have just a small nagging suspicion that I could be carrying twins, another reason why I am anxious to have that first ultrasound. it probably doesn't help that Becca's been saying that mommy is going to have twins since she was two. Specifically one boy and one girl, just like big sister Dora The Explorer. And then there was the psychic... Silly I know... but she told me that myself or one of my sisters will have twins. Now it seems I'm seeing double everywhere!!!!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Count the small things in your beautiful life

My beautiful lovely girl is growing like a wild seed not only by the inches but in such a sweet pure sense of the world through her eyes. I have been given the wonderful gift of Becca sharing with me the beauty that often goes unseen, or simply unappreciated. It's the small things that make the big picture. At times I am left speechless, as I can do nothing but stare in awe.

The other day I was an emotional roller coaster. It's when little Becca saw my frustration in trying to get the house in order that she said so sweetly. 'Mom, if people come over and the house is a mess.... that's ok, your doing a good job'

Sunday, July 31, 2011


I've never felt so free... Soaring without limits. Without restraint. No rules. No technique. Just free. I danced this evening in my backyard like I was the only one in the universe. Alone and free to do whatever I pleased. In my barefeet and my long un-mowed grass, I was completely capable of anything.

I bought yesterday at a garage sale a CD of the original cast of 'The Lion King' on broadway soundtrack. Seeing as how for my birthday next Saturday I will be seeing 'The Lion King' live in Ottawa I couldn't resist. So this evening I let loose, and felt so alive. It seemed as the sun began to set, and the song 'The circle of Life' blared from the player, the night life came out to dance as well.

A New Beginning

To my readers,

It's been a long while since I have actually sat down and wrote a quality post in my blog. Partly because I have not set that time for myself and partly because at the end of the day I am exhausted. BUT... I am challenging myself to a new beginning, and a complete and total change of life style. I have committed atleast 90 days to get my health back on track because I deserve it. My body deserves it and I know that in the end it will all be worth while. I believe that not only my life will change but the quality of my life will change. I would like to see myself writing more, and I feel like in some way I have found my inspiration and the funny thing is, I haven't even begun. My 90 days begins on my birthday of this year on Agust 6th, 2011. Why??? Because I wanted my followers to get insight on the habits I have picked up over the years, and see first hand the addictive qualites and behaviors I will soon conquer without changing a thing. Please join me on my countdown, and my journey to a new beginning. Thank you for your support.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

The 'Originals'

This was where I got my start, where I began from scratch my business as a home daycare provider. My little girl has grown with the daycare, and has shared a sister like bond with my two 'originals' I call them.

From babies, to toddlers, to preschoolers. They've grown up right before my eyes.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

I have been thinking more about writing in these past few days than I have in a long time. I realize that I go through patterns of love it, love it, love it until I seem to hit a nerve that strikes an oh so sensitive chord within and then I disappear.

Friday, May 27, 2011

One Step Behind You

I used to follow you just one step behind, as you explored the world without fear.

Friday, April 08, 2011


Where can I go, where there is someone I know?
Where can I stay, where I don't feel like running away?
Where can I find, peace of mind?

Friday, March 18, 2011

Making meals for a three year old is tricky. Let me rephrase that. 'Making meals for my three year old is tricky'. There is not a whole lot of stuff that she really likes, or is even willing to try but I like to encourage her to try atleast one bite. This evening was a typical Friday throw something together last minute type of meal. For myself I thawed some left over Shephards pie out of the freezer, for Becca, we scoured the fridge together comprimising on what she could have. She wanted pita bread, agreed. 'Now pick a vegetable' I tell her.
'This will be my vegetable' She says, picking out a mixed berry yogurt.
We playfully argued back and forth, then agreed upon a carrot. Peeled, whole and uncooked. Works for me.
'I want olives!!!' She says excitedly. 'I love olives!'

At the table we had a discussion about foods we like and dislike, and olives happen to be one of my top 10 dislikes. 'Why don't you like olives?' she asks with such curiousity.
'I don't like how they taste.' I say. It was then that she poked a tiny little olive onto the tip of her fork, and held it out for me to taste.
'You have to try it mommy. I need to see that you don't like it.'
Sure I could have protested against it, and politely turned down her offer but what example would I have taught my little girl watching and waiting to see if I would live up to the one bite rule. Without any hesitation, I took the olive into my mouth and experienced the bitter salty flavour that hadn't changed since the last time I tried it. Nevertheless, I managed to get it down.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Conquer fear or let fear control you
Find the strength to get through
And do what you need to do.

It's your life
It's your decision
It's your dream
It's your vision
It's your responsibility
It's your choice
It's your feelings
It's your voice
It's your time
It's your chance
It's your move
It's your plan
It's your passion
It's your heart
It's your beginning
It's your fresh start

All or nothing, no regrets
So long as you know, you've done your best

Friday, March 04, 2011

It's been a long while. A VERY LONG WHILE. I will be back soon... and will take off right where I left.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Take the plunge

How can I find the humor in darkness?
The laughter through tears?
The relief through pain?
The joy in the lost desire?
How can I become even more passionate about what I care for most?

Meet 'I' the perfectionist. The people pleaser. So often I want to make others happy, I lose focus on what is important to me.

'What are you doing these days?' I am asked.
Instead of saying the usual brush off 'Oh, keeping busy.' I offer specifics which is a major step out of my comfort zone. 'Actually, I've been writing a lot.' I respond. My cheeks flushing bright red.
'Oh yeah? What are you writing?'
My breath catches in my throat, and suddenly I begin to feel insecure...'Oh, just some poetry and short stories.' Suddenly I wish to change to subject.
'Short stories about what?'
'Umm,' I stammer, trying to find the words. 'Stories about life experiences and...'
'You should write children's books, there is a big market for that.'
I consider changing my direction and again I lose focus.

My frustration is that I have no clue what kind of writer I am. The ironic thing is that when I used to sing my biggest frustration was that I didn't know what kind of singer I was or what style I suited. My need for perfection, began to peel the layers of my self confidence, and I lost the pleasure of performance.

But writing holds a whole new meaning. It has always been there... even after I've walked away for long periods of time, the desire has always tugged on my heart. I need to write in the same way I need to breathe because without words I am lost. How can I make them my own? How can I develop a unique style, different from everyone else and not slip into shadowing other artists. I don't want to be a shadow... I want to find my own direction. I want to find my own light.

I am like a student, learning for the first time. Testing the waters. I dream to not even think about it... to take the plunge, and allow myself to feel every moment, every experience and to share them with you.

Monday, September 06, 2010

It feels really good to have a long weekend. Really really good. I went to the fair yesterday with a friend (mother of one of my little daycare girls), and our girls. We had so much fun!! We started off on a few rides. Becca would get off one, then excitedly point to another 'Now I want to go on that one mama.' We had a little ride scare on one of the carousels. After getting on, we put the girls on a horse, and the ride slowly began. I saw my friend and her daughter, and it looked like a perfect opportunity to get they're picture so I pulled out my camera. As I waited for my camera to adjust, there was a really loud noise... One of the horses became disconnected. The one that my friends daughter was riding, followed by the horse right beside it disconnecting. The ride of course stopped and we all got off... other than that the day was perfect.

Saturday, September 04, 2010

This is a painting I received this year on my 26th birthday from my youngest sister Cindy. I was so moved by the sincere thought put into this piece of art, it left me speechless.

I love the symbolic meaning of the 'Lion', and hope to strengthen these powerful traits within me.

  • Loyal until the end
  • Courageous & faithful
  • Hold your head high – even in times of conflict – conduct yourself with dignity.
  • Trusting your intuition/instincts
  • Generous & passionate
  • Self confident

Friday, September 03, 2010

Clean Slate

A clean slate is not wiping the past clear as though it never existed or pretending it never happened. A clean slate is accepting your past, forgiving yourself, letting go and moving forward.

Thursday, September 02, 2010


My sisters...
I had taken for granted every day we lived together under the same roof, for the days we come together are few and far in between. These precious moments mean so much to me.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Ice cream kisses

Becca's bedtime routine usually takes about an hour. After her bath, there is potty, teeth brushing, tuck in, bedtime story, kiss and cuddle then finally lights out. Except one evening... Becca was not having it!! In frustration, I took a few deep breaths and sat down beside her bed for a talk. I ask her in darkness, 'How was your day today? What was the best part?'

These night time discussions have become a part of our night time routine, and also one of my favorite parts of the day. One night Becca wanted to talk about all the different types of kisses.
'Eskimo kiss' she said. We rubbed our noses together back and forth.
'Now a butterfly kiss' she said, as she began batting her eye lashes on my cheek.
'What about an ice cream kiss?' She beamed.
'What's an ice cre...? Becca licked me from my chin to my forehead, before I could finish my sentence.

Next time I think I will pass on the ice cream.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Serenity Prayer

I wish for my life to go according to your plan.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Just taking in that nice hot cup of coffee.... and savoring the silence before the stampede rushes in.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Do you believe in magic?

While tucking Becca in for bed this evening, she was beyond exhausted. 'I liked the magic show' she said, yawning and rubbing her eyes, before turning over to go right to sleep. The magic show... yes... I noticed the signs in the park as soon as we arrived around 9:30am. 'KIDS SHOW 11am'. We stuck around, I thought Becca and the daycare kids might enjoy a little entertainment. They're eyes lit up when the magician asked 'Do you believe in magic?'

The kids were all amazed at one trick in which the magician had a clover, closed in his hand, and when he opened his hand again, sparks flew and the clover was gone. They loved it... and that was the talk of the afternoon. 'How did he do that?'
'I don't know', I said. 'I guess it's just... magic.'

It brought back incredible memories for me... I remember walking into a magic store and the guy behind the counter called me and my sister over and showed us two foam balls in his hand. He squeezed his hand shut and asked my sister to do the same, and when he opened his hand there was only one ball, and the other was in my sisters. I was awestruck.

Monday, August 09, 2010


'Do you want to echo with me mamma?' Becca beamed enthusiastically. Before I could respond she shouts to the world. 'HELLO.' She looks at me waiting. 'Now you echo.'
'Hello', I say loud enough to be heard from the other side of the street.
'Not like that mommy. You need to say it louder, and look up to the sky like this.' She says, pointing her face upwards. 'HELLO'.
I look up to the sky and give one big 'HELLO'. Surprisingly it made me feel really good, even though I felt a bit silly. I saw her out of the corner of my eye, smiling from ear to ear, as she wrapped her arms around me tightly. 'You did it.'

Monday, August 02, 2010

Nature's Beauty

My job is full of the unexpected surprises. Teachable moments are everywhere... Outdoors is where it all is. We spend so much time exploring, observing, touching. We play with textures (sand/water/stones/soil..etc.) We lift up rocks and watch the little ant families scramble around, lifting all the little eggs to safety. 'Did you know that ants can carry 30 times their body weight?'

We have now started toad hunting... because they really love our garden. We've found toads as small as a dime and toads as big as a mini hamburger. The children are now spotting them on their own, carfefully placing them in a bucket to observe for a few minutes, and then feeling pleasure in letting them go. 'Good-bye little toad. Come again later. We will miss you.'

When you really pay attention to nature, and all of it's beauty... you see for the first time what is just so easily overlooked.

Just the simple pleasure of seeing a child's face light up... as they see firsthand a toad, an ant, dragonfly, snake, catapillar...or just anything and everything that can't be learned from television or reading books, but seeing it up close and personal in their own natural habitat... is worth getting my hands a little dirty for.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Out of place

I consider myself really lucky to have never experienced the pain of breaking any bones, or any other serious pain inflicted injury. To date; the only thing that comes to mind is the gash between my eyes when I was three which I remember very vaguely, the brick that was thrown at my head when I was about seven or eight, and well the contractions I felt before my epidural with Becca. Lucky... I would have to say.

Today, while I was at the park with Becca she asked to go in the swings. Routinely I picked her up and placed her in the swing, and carried on a conversation with another mother, when a little girl suddenly broke free of her fathers grasp and ran right into the path behind Becca's swing. I made a grab for it with a very awkward twist in my arm, that when the swing stopped mid swing the force ripped my shoulder right out or it's socket. The pain was unreal for a couple seconds, until I threw my shoulder back in an attempt to pull myself together before I made a big scene. It worked. Without skipping a beat I continued on with my conversation as though nothing had happened, and thanked my lucky stars... for only a couple seconds of suffering.

A great day

After much venting yesterday, I neglected to mention the highlights.
We had a wonderful Saturday, packed full of activity. I have been introducing myself to a few other daycare providers in this area, as when you work from home... it takes more work to socialize and stay connected. I came across an ad for a new daycare looking to launch by September, and I thought 'What a great opportunity to introduce myself.' And so we had emailed each other back and forth for several weeks, before we decided that we should meet with the kids at the park. Perfect. Her daughter is just one year older than Becca. What made this little meet up so incredibly wonderful, was just the simplicity of being so thoughtful. Upon meeting everyone I can't help but ask 'Do you like coffee?' It is just one thing I love to sip on... and I enjoy making it for anyone and everyone. It is like my social, ice breaker.
When she arrived with her family, right away we recognized each other from our exchanged photos. Her family looked even more beautiful in person. 'Because you like coffee so much, we picked you up one from Tim Horton's.' A wonderfully delicious black coffee with all the fixings on the side. Now... that was just fantastic. Just the thought... Made my day! After chatting for over an hour, and letting the children run free we went our separate ways... and both agreed... we must get together again very soon.

This week, I made plans with Christine (mother of one of Becca's little daycare friends) to take the girls to the Avenmore fair. After my little meet up at the park, on the way home Christine came by to pick us up. Perfect timing.
It was great. The girls went on a few rides, got to feed some animals, and had a private puppet show.

When I got home, I received a phone call from my sister Patti. She wanted a date night, and asked if I could Babysit. Seeing as how Becca has been talking non stop about getting together with Chrysler and Hudson very recently... I jumped at it. 'Bring em' on over'.

They're stay went by too fast. I took them all to the park, gave them a fun princess bath (that even Hudson enjoyed) and finished with a lovely bedtime story. I set up the playpen for Hudson, and the cot in Becca's room for Chrysler. I told the girls that once I put them to bed, that they need to stay on their beds, and if I heard them up and playing I would move Chrysler's bed out of the room. I couldn't help but smile to myself when I turned out the lights and shut the door, to hear Chrysler say to Becca, 'Becca, wanna play?'
In which Becca responded, 'No Chrysler. Mommy said if she hears us playing, she will take your bed out of my room.'
Followed by complete silence, until Patti came to pick up her two sleeping beauties.

So the day was indeed... a great day.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Venting... thanks for reading.

I couldn't have asked for a better neighborhood to raise a family. It's peaceful, quiet, and so amazingly beautiful. I still shake my head of this reality. Am I dreaming?

But today... I was just... let's say speechless. I took Becca out for our early morning walk around 8am, the weather was perfect. A nice breeze swept through Riverdale, and kept the heat at bay. We were the first to arrive at the park, as it gets really busy between 9:30-10am, and what I saw made my anger boil.

We have an amazing park that draws in people from all over the city, it's maybe one of the only parks in Cornwall with plenty of shade and space to run around. I am at that park for hours with Becca and the daycare kids almost every day.

But today... there was litter like I have never seen. The entire park was littered with bottles, cans and garbage. Before anyone else arrived, I did a clean up. There was a whiskey bottle that had been shattered, and broken glass lay everywhere. Shards of glass mixed in with the stones beneath the structure. I picked up all that I could find, and warned all the mothers to watch out around that area, as the kids like to fill their buckets with the pebbles.

That is just the tip of the ice burg. I am just so frustrated with the lack of respect for our beautiful neighborhood. Not just the teenagers who partied in the park last night, but the fact that even though the cops were called nothing happened, and I shouldn't have had to encounter that mess this morning...that was very unsafe for children.

While I am on the subject of disrespect, there is yet one more thing I need to vent.
It has been bad this past week. The amount of dog poop left on our sidewalks, is disgusting. Not only that, but there is an overwhelming number of people who can't read signs apparently. 'NO DOGS ALLOWED IN PARKS'!!
I took Becca, my niece and nephew to the park this evening after supper to burn off that last bit of energy and while we were there, there were three dogs at the park. Becca & Chrysler saw this adorable little black pug puppy and went to run over and pet it, just as it started to take a dump in the stones by the structure. The puppy's owner ran out to save my girls from stepping in her dogs crap by burying it in the stones with her foot.

I am angry at myself for not speaking up... and sometimes wish I had a bit of a backbone. As the park began to clear and as I packed up my last sand toy. I pulled a plastic bag from my pack, and set off to clean one last mess for the day.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Magic Beans

After supper this evening I sat out on the front porch with Becca to take in another hour of sun before dark. While we were sitting outside Becca started picking up these tiny little seeds on the ground. She wanted to plant them.
'Where is my watering can?' She asks. 'I need to plant these magic beans.'
She knows how to bring a smile to my face.

I managed to pull out half of the weeds in my garden... It's starting to look a little better. It felt really good to dig my hands deep into the cool earth. It filled me with a sense of being, relaxation... and in some strange way.. It's beautiful.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Bee Gone... with you.

I harassed my first wasp nest when I was six years old. It was before I knew what it was like to be stung. I was fearless of the unknown. I knew that there was a nest located in the shed, and so like a brave warrior ready for battle, my weapon of choice; a stick. With all my might I whacked the shed with my stick and challenged these wasps for a face off. They emerged from their nest more quickly than I could count. I began to swing, trying to wipe them out one by one, but there were simply just way too many for me to handle, alone. I ended up getting stung once, right between the eyes.

Since that defining moment of my first bee sting... I have been stung several times in the most unexpected moments, where either myself or the bee was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I never actually began to fear bees until Becca was born. I could not stop myself. In a panic, I would scoop Becca up in my arms and make a run for it. It was a horrible feeling.

Just this past weekend while visiting a friend, we noticed a very large bee hive hanging at the very tip of a tree branch about 10 feet above our heads. It was our mission to take that thing down, and I saw it as an opportunity to face my fear head on. My friend's husband began throwing rocks, wood... whatever he could find, while I stood behind him armed to two full cans of bug spray. I wasn't taking any chances.. I had a net over my head, and wore a heavy sweater even though the heat was scorching.

Enough was enough. After many failed attempts at throwing rocks, I was feeling the heat, and getting very frustrated. I grabbed the high pressure hose and sprayed the nest until it hung heavy with the weight of water. Hundreds bees began to swarm the hive, and at this point it was time to throw rocks again, while I continued hosing it down. I was discovered by a very angry wasp, and threw the hose to make a run for the front door, only to find that the door was locked. I turned to face my doom with my two cans held high... but I must have lost him. Thank goodness.

With three really good hits... the hive broke apart, and then came the spray. It felt like the makings of an episode of 'Billy the exterminator', only more entertaining. I can't say that we were experienced or that we knew what we were doing but most importantly: Mission accomplished. By the next day they were all gone. Anyway... That was my brave moment. It feels good to conquer fear.

What did I do?

I was visiting the water park the other day with Becca when a call came in on my cell phone.
'Hello' I say.
'Hello, Is this Michelle?' A male voice, that I didn't recognize from the other end asks.
'Yes?' I say hesitantly... with my mind in a flurry, trying to figure out who it is. Often a voice sounds somewhat familiar and takes a few seconds, but this time I had absolutely no clue.
'Hi my name is.... I'm from the Cornwall Police.' Go figure, I couldn't remember his name right after he introduced himself... What I heard was POLICE.. and it's funny that my first initial thought was 'What did I do?' And as my thoughts raced, and knew that there was nothing I could have done my second thought was... that regardless.. whatever this police officer had to say... would be bad news. I braced myself for the worst.

'I'm driving down Dover Street... and I have this bag with your name in it that I found hanging. Is it garbage?'
I can't even begin to explain the relief that released my body from a state of paralyzation. I knew exactly what bag he had... My bag of sand toys that must have fell from my wagon just the other day. I explained to the officer that I was out of town, and he offered to drop it off, so I gave him my address. Sure enough when I got home there it was outside waiting for me.


From about grade 7 through grade 13, I had a horrible obsession with my hair. I couldn't stand it. It seemed to be the only thing that stood between me and happiness or so I thought. It was always the punch line of the next joke...
'Have you been climbing up a tree lately?'
I had to think about it... because I was indeed a tree climber.
Innocently I responded, 'No, why?'
'Because you have a big bird nest on the top of your head' She laughed. Followed by the rest of my class. I wanted to think of something mean and cruel about her, many things came to mind, but I knew that it could really hurt her feelings... I didn't want that, even though she had crushed my self esteem just the minute before.

Just before I was about to enter high school, I was so excited to go to a hair salon for the first time (my mom had always cut my hair) I told her that I wanted a new look. I made the mistake of going in, without a plan. I just told her I wanted to look good. I walked out of the salon holding back the tears, and bit my tongue when the hair stylist asked 'what do you think?'

My first thought was that my hair had a striking resemblance to Elvis Presly. She had cut what looked like side burns, and she left a little length on the top that puffed out... and needed a tonne of hair glue to hold down, so my hair was always hard as a rock. When my hair finally grew out, I was still never happy with it.
I spent countless hours doing, then re-doing my hair, crying... and what became of my big hair was an obsession. I would have done anything and everything to not relive the pain of the constant teasing that followed me all throughout my elementary years, and so I began to pull. If after doing my hair, any strands or chunks looked out of place, instead of crying out in frustration and starting over, I would simply just pull the hair out from the root. I have lost count of how many times I've pulled out my hair, once I even did so, not realizing my sister was right beside me. When she saw the chunk of hair in my hand, she stood shocked. I hadn't even so much as flinched, when I had wrapped my fingers around a big chunk of hair... fueled by raging anger that numbed any feelings of pain... I pulled.

Every day I would curse 'I hate my hair'... until one day I realized, in absolute horror... some hair is better than no hair. On August 6th (my birthday), a few weeks before beginning my final year of high school, it happened. What I would define as the worst day of my life up until that point. I was camping with my family at Sandbanks beach when I decided I would make breakfast for everyone. Having never operated a BBQ before, I turned on the gas, and gave it a few minutes. I went about my business and got a little distracted, before I remembered breakfast. I picked up the small box of matches, striking one, I leaned in to ignite a flame. Only what came towards me before I even had time to react was a huge ball of fire. I jumped back. Relief swam through me, I was not burned. I wasn't hurt, but there was a very distinct foul smell. Burnt plastic? Sulpher? At this point my sisters had gathered around to see what the commotion was. Each movement I made snowed burnt ash everywhere, but I had absolutely no idea where it was coming from. It was my sister who pointed out, that my hair had been burned. My first reaction was to feel with my hands, only to see more burnt ash snowing all around me. I had so much hair product in my hair that my shoulder length hair in some places had singed straight to the root. What was left needed to be cut.

I went from fussing over my hair for hours to basically getting out of bed and going. Every ritual I had ever known, was gone. My hair, which had become my identity, was no longer a number one priority. After many many haircuts, and more then two years of short hair... I was letting it grow out.

Again, with all of the awkward in between growing phases... I fussed over my hair. Each and every day was an opportunity for a new look, and an up-do that looked as though I had just left the salon and was off to some special occasion. I had decided I would not allow myself to pull out any hair, even though the urges on some days were so strong and hard to ignore. What I craved was the attention and compliments, I would get. It was like shedding off ten pounds, and getting noticed for it. I was on top of the world, and now.. my biggest insecurity was now my strongest asset.

Fast forward a few more years...

After having a baby... surviving the first year, with thankfully not burning the house down. (making baby food, requires a timer. I realize now how easily I am distracted and lose focus) My hair was the last thing on my mind. I would save the up-dos for those special occasions, and mostly tie it back in a pony tail or wear it down. YES!!! Wear it down!! Big, curly and wild!! I love how it's not a touchy subject anymore. When I hear 'Your so small, and you have really big hair' I laugh and say 'I know'. Obviously... I see it in the mirror every day... It's kind of hard to miss. I think it's just funny... how priorities change. What was so important... is just not that important anymore. I admit though.. Once, very recently... I cried over a bad hair cut. I don't get it cut very often. It is now a tradition, once a year (mother's day) and this mother's day cut was a little disappointing... which really inspired this little blast into the past. As I lay in bed... that night, I began to write. I was very emotional, and I couldn't figure out for the life of me.. why? It was just hair, and hair grows back... but at that moment I felt so discouraged. After writing for an hour or so... I had uncovered all of those memories. Some had been long forgotten... but it was a trigger held deep in my subconscious just waiting to be found. It was a healing process. After all that emotion had been unleashed... I couldn't help but laugh.

Friday, July 02, 2010

Make the best of the worst.....

So we didn't get away this weekend like we had planned. Things happen. And sometimes they are beyond our control, but we just have to deal and make the best of it. So instead of moping around the house, we found ourselves on many adventures right here close to home, and did so on a great budget, I might ad.

Just goes to prove that you can have quality family time without spending a bundle of money... and the kids can't tell the difference!

So here you have it: Our weekend adventures

Thursday (Canada Day)
We spent the morning & afternoon up in Iroquois with my family. My mom, dad and all of my sisters and kids came out to enjoy a day of great entertainment & BBQ! Becca had an amazing time jumping on about 6 different bounce castles, getting her face painted, and dancing with her cousin Chrysler.

Afterwords we drove back to Cornwall and headed down to Lamoroux Park to watch the Fire Works!! I still can't believe Becca made it... 3 hours past her bedtime.

Friday July 2nd

We were a little bummed out this morning, as our plan to take off for the day, well didn't happen... but what can you do?
So we decided to hike it down the scenic route back down to Lamoroux Park, so that Becca could enjoy this beautiful day playing on the splash pad. Even I enjoyed getting a little wet. The most amazing part is that I have never been on any of Cornwall's bike paths, so it really felt like we were somewhere else. The highlight of my day... and 100% FREE, you just have to be able to appreciate nature's beauty.
All in all our trip both ways lasted close to 5 hours. I'm quite happy to be back at home to get in some relax time.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

First Family Camping Trip

It's Sunday morning, the sun is shining and I am thankful.
I live in a beautiful neighborhood, surrounded by nature and the comfort of familiar smells. I have an amazing little family, a daughter whom I admire for such imagination, creativity and talent, and a partner whom I love and respect so dearly for all that we have accomplished together. They both mean the world to me.

Today we are packing up to go on our first camping trip. We will stay one night at the Long Sault Parkway. Becca is so excited. So am I. I can't wait to have this special family time together, because I remember so fondly that camping was the highlight of my youth. As a child I'm sure that I have probably camped every single year up until the age of 18. Now as we pack on this trip, I realized for the first time that I haven't camped out in almost eight years. So I am really looking forward to it. This is one tradition I hope to pass on and one that I hope Becca enjoys as much as I did.

Friday, May 07, 2010


What I would give for your pain to go away
I'd give you the strength to face another day.
What I would give to see that smile upon your face.
I'd give you all the love I have to fill that empty place.