Sunday, November 25, 2007

Touching Memoir.... Could I write one?

I was deeply inspired by the 'Glass Castle'. A memoir by Jeanette Walls.
It takes tremendous courage to reveal the truth. It's terrifying. I've really tried to be more open. More expressive. More honest with myself and those around me.
I could never seem to get the words out. I'm not sure whether it was a look, it never seemed to be the right time, you were distracted, you weren't in the mood, or maybe you had a hard day.
I was always held back by fear. Fear of embarassment, rejection, disappointment, fear of being mocked, fear of breaking my spirit, fear of losing hope, and fear of losing respect.
I realize now that I am entitled to my own opinion. That it is okay if we disagree on something and work out a comprimise.
What I am so curious about is how Jeanette Walls broke past that barrier of fear?
I am an aspiring writer. It is my dream to do what her story did to me. I was in search of a memoir, mostly because I have been considering for some time now to find the strength and courage to write my own. I went out on a quest to find a story of an unknown. I didn't care to read the life of someone famous. I specifically searched for a nobody, like me.
I was drawn into the book, by something I could relate with. Guilt.
'The Glass Castle', blew me away. It was one of the most courageous books I had ever read. As I read the last page and closed the book, I realized that Jeanette Walls is not a nobody. Jeanette Walls is a hero. A role model. A mentor. Maybe not to everyone, but in my eyes she certainly is a somebody. That is when it hit me. What if I could touch someones heart in that way. Reach out to someone. Maybe inspire someone else to be brave.
What if could write about my life in a way that someone could relate to.
It wasn't until college that I realized how afraid I was to be myself. I began my first day with a nervous laugh, and not being able to look people in the face when I spoke. My eyes were subconciously directed to the floor. It was in college that my professor in speech noticed that as soon as I felt conflict/confrontation I held my breath. After everyone left she called on me.
'Michelle, relax your body. Just relax.' Easy enough. I relaxed.
'I want you to look at me and say, how dare you.'
'How dare you.' I say weakly.
'Okay, now I want you to say the exact same thing, but I want you to reach that back wall.'
'How dare you,' I say, a little louder. Immediately my jaw clenched and my body stiffened. My professor felt this change. She stood behind me with her hands on my shoulders.
'Now, I want you to shout it Michelle. I want to hear you on the other side of this school. Your angry at me and I want to here you. Use your diaphram and push it out.
'HOW DARE YOU,' I collapsed. My legs could not support my words of anger. I couldn't seem to stop the tears.
It was in college that I realized I was afraid of my own voice, directed in a negative way. I realized that I have never in my life yelled out of anger.

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