This winter, although still just beginning, resonates differently in my heart than any other year. It will be the tightest financially this year, I'm sure for more than just myself, but already I carry the feeling with me that it does not matter. None of it matters. And the whole process of Christmas time, the true celebration is all lost in the rippling effect of trying to find the perfect gift. Or to atleast measure up to last year, and the year before.
But the true meaning is the birth of our baby Jesus. God's gift to human kind.
Believe what you will, but this belief in myself makes it all the more special. To come together close as a family, and in spirit. Afterall life & love are gifts. A gift worth loving. A gift worth saving. A gift worth repairing any damages in yourself & others. Love brings us up, never tears us down.
I am also filled with overwhelming emotion as Christmas comes quickly around the corner, that this will be our first Christmas without grandad. It will not be the same.
I know this, but yet I am still very emotional to admit that I am still crying.
For every month on the 5th that I celebrate another month of Becca's life, also marks the number of months since his passing. Rebecca turned 20 months old yesterday.
Twenty months ago Becca was born into this earth. Five months ago you left. I really didn't think, leaving the hospital that day would be the last time I saw you. If I had only known, would it have turned out differently?? What would I have said??
'You will never be forgotten. We all love you so very much, and will be thinking of all those wonderful memories you placed in each of our hearts. I am so thankful that you & nanny took me into your home for those first months of moving to the big city. You really made me feel comfortable, and I'm grateful to have had the time that I did. I really enjoyed renovating your garden, and seeking your approval. You allowed me to express a creative side I never knew I had, and to which I would seek refuge under stress. Grandad, I also enjoyed the relax time afterward, and sharing our happy hour, as the sun was up over the yardarm.'
And come your birthday Grandad, January 1st, as we bring in the new year. I'm not going to say there won't be any tears, because there are some now as I write about you, but they will be mostly tears of appreciation. Life is beautiful. Thank you for showing me that.
And to my nanny,
I need you to know now, that no matter what anyone says you are very special.
You've loved all of us unconditionally. You were one of my first teachers, one of my first role models. I truly appreciated making you proud. I felt humbled that you saved my poems, even after every poem I had kept I threw away.
I love that you have pictures we have drawn on your fridge, from 10 & 20 years ago.
Know how much I appreciated your undivided attention, and listening to what I had to say, and thank you for telling me so much about your life, because your stories will be carried on. You live in our hearts eternally.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
It's a good Game!
I never tried out for sports in grade school, because I couldn't play. I was always the last one picked for teams, the one who stood out like a needle in a haystack, with bruised knees and scrawny arms.
I sized up both teams, and secretly hoped I would be on the one with the stronger players, and by stronger I mean, where I'd least likely be noticed.
I suppose even though I was worthy of the most horrible player of the year award, I still enjoyed playing. I simply didn't enjoy the competative nature of the whole game. To me it was just a game. It was all about fun, and enjoying ourselves. Unfortunately, it simply wasn't.
I think it's funny how much fear I brought into the game. The fear of making a mistake, like it would be the end of the world. If it didn't show in my posture, it would likely show on my face. I have what your call severe blushing, it doesn't take much to turn ketchup red. Trust me.
But at home I was fearless it seemed. Picking up spiders, bugs, frogs, crabs. Wild birds, mice, rabbits, chipmunks, seagulls and skunks. Yes, skiunks. That is another story in itself. I picked up pretty much anything that moved with my bare hands. I would climb the highest tree, until as far as I felt the branch would hold my weight. I held my breath with the edrenalyn that raced through my heart. Each footing carefully thought out before I made my move, just like the game of chess.
Until this day my father has instilled the sweet pleasure of a life lesson I will carry through with my daughter.
Although more rare than I would like, every once in a while dad and myself find ourselves blowing dust off the ol' chess board and emersing ourselves in the game of the mind. It is fun. It is intense. It is certainly mind boggling. We are both fighting to win, and praising each others efforts. My dad knows when he's made a good move. He can see it on my face as my mind goes deep into thought. Already thinking about my next move, I try to imagine what dad is thinking. Because he knows so much more than I do, and that is what I admire.
I have inherited my father's perfectionism.
I try so hard to do my best or give up trying. I think it's a blessing and a character flaw at the same time because I often find that I am too hard on myself. Above all I am my own worst critique.
I have given up on a lot of things, because of the ungodly belief that I am not good enough.
But, on the contrary...
This allowed us to become closer. We shared this in common.
like those all nighter assignments you stayed up all night to help me with. That confidence I handed into my English teacher, was that with our minds working together, the many coffee's of course, and the great conversations. We pulled it off!!! They were always the projects I was most proud of, because I had your help.
And you always created the best websites & panoramic photo's. I don't think I totally understood this until I found my artistic side. The hours I put in felt more like minutes. I realized now how we've all become very detail oriented. I just need to focus the details in the right areas.
Another blessing that I have built within my spirit, is patience. That healing/ change & gratification do not come instantly. That we as people are on our own schedules. When we are ready for change, we are more accepting.
So back to our game of chess. I am proud to see your enthusiasm, light up the room. That in all our games of chess, the one and only time I won, I knew was strategy and strategy only. That's what made it special, because it was always a good game no matter who won. I loved that you never just let me win. I had to work for it.
A valued quality I carried through to playing sports.
Unfortunately not everyone loved my enthusiasm, for playing because I couldn't play, but they couldn't see it the way I saw it. I 'll get better. Just you watch.
No time in the world could stop me from getting any worse. By high school, (I haven't played since)for the life of me could not serve the volleyball over the net. Because that annoying voice was ringing inside my ear from the other side of the net. 'No wait. Whoops. Sorry. It was actually my own team screaming, 'Come on, Geez'
Okay so I still suck at playing, some things never change. I obviously hadn't. Neither did the people whom I attended grade school. Still... years later I am humiliated. Therefore I can't play. I can't function.
Hmmm... Future team. How about a little encouragement once in a while. Were on the same team don't forget. You are not a better person than me, nor I a better person than you. It is okay if we play/do things differently. With encouragement is the possibility of getting better.
With discouragement, we are set up for failure.
This works for family members as well. It is known that hurting people hurt people, but really think about what you say before you say it. Imagine for a moment yourself in the position of the recipient of that comment. How would it make you feel?? If it would make you feel bad, why would you say it to someone else?
Future opponent. We are playing the same game. We are both trying are best. And we are both mindful and polite of our differences. We do not need to be the same to succeed. As long as we are proud of how we played. You know when you've been hit. And you know when you need to bring up your game, and you do it with respect.
And when you win, which you will plenty. It's not 'We are the champion's, no time for losers) It's a good game.
I have admiration for that outlook.
Thanks dad.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Monty.... not a monster after all.
Tomorrow brings us to mid November. Where has the time gone?
Looking forward to a special family gathering at mom & dad's for supper tomorrow. We've decided to spend more time together as a family, so we'll make it a top priority to gather together once every one or two months. It isn't exactly easy with a family of six, plus husbands and grandchildren, but I'm glad we are all making an effort.
Since we have come together and opened our hearts to overcome the major obstacles that threatened to separate us, we have all finally arrived on the same page with love, understanding, forgiveness and respect. Never have we ever become so close.
The air doesn't hang so heavy, and the tone has changed drastically. Even the dogs are different. Speaking of dogs, I thought I would share the story of Monty. My mom's little Pomeranian/Yorkshire Terrier mix.
Monty was almost five months old when my mom picked him up from the pet store in which my sister worked. She actually got a little discount because the manager couldn't sell him, 'because he was so ugly' he said. He was small for his age. The runt of the litter. Interesting features unlike any other dog I had seen, he was about the size of a pound of butter.
I was about forteen years old when mom brought him home that night. She brought him to the house where I was babysitting until evening. I can remember the anticipation that ran through me, as I just wanted to get home, to get to know our new little dog.
His body shook with fear, as he had a hard time adjusting to his first night in the new home. I knew that he needed me, so I brought a blanket into the hallway and I slept on the floor with him all night.
So at what point did my tender moments with the little guy turn to anger? I resented Monty so much that on recent visits to my parents I would push him off me, disgusted by the smell of his breath. The way he couldn't control his sneezing and snotting all over me when he got excited. The way his jagged teeth jutted out with an overbite.
On my last visit to my parents, which was Halloween night, I came down to look after the dogs Chloe and Monty while my parents were away for the weekend. It was then that we had our little intervention.
Monty hesistantly came into the bedroom and curled up at the end of the bed. I invited him to come closer, and on his own he wouldn't. I picked his small body up, and he was shaking. The same way he was 10 years earlier, that first night mom brought him home. I realized then that I had been cruel. Not physically, but emotionally I must have made some sort of impact, for him to feel uneasy around me. Which brought me to the question, why? Why had I been so cruel. As crazy as it is, I could actually pinpoint it to the exact day I began to resent him.
I had just moved away from my parents place a few months after I turned nineteen. Just four days after my move, my cat 'Missy' of seven years mysteriously disappeared. At that time it was crushing. I felt heavy, like my lungs were being crushed. I felt like I had lost my closest friend, because I did. As a child I didn't really have a whole lot of friends, so at twelve years old I confided in the one little being that listened to every word I said. That comforted my tears, and kissed away the hurt.
I called home everyday to see if she'd been found, only to find out what I already knew; I would never see her again.
In my desperation for sanity I asked mom if I could take Monty for the night, and she agreed. And so, I spent the night talking to Monty while he listened with complete focus and understanding, even though he had absolutely no clue what I was talking about. He knew in some way I needed him, and maybe he felt it his duty to comfort me as I had him his first night in his new home.
At one point I took him outside for a bathroom break. I hooked him up to his collar, and headed down the three flight of stairs in my pajamas, and big boots that were sizes too big for me. I didn't even think to bring a jacket, as I just thought we'd be in and out. The cold November chill hit me like a slap in the face. It was well below freezing. Monty was in no hurry to do his business.
I slipped on some ice at the same moment Monty pulled away from me, taking off with such lightning speed.
Horrified I thought, 'I just lost my cat, and now I'm going to lose my mother's dog.'
My heart felt like it was splitting in two, as I tried to run after him. The boots were practically falling off my feet, I was slipping on ice, and the cold numbed every inch of my body. After five minutes of panic, desperation and humiliation, I made one last final attempt as I lunged for Monty's leash dragging behind him.
Success. I was so angry when I caught him, I couldn't see straight. My body fueled with tremendous loss, and now relief that he was alive and safe.
It was then, that very day, that I realized how much I had lost. And how much I never wanted to go through that again. And so, Monty became the poor victim of my hatred. 'I will never love you' I told him. 'Never'
In this overwhelming observation it hit me. I have been cruel. Instead of loving Monty, I pushed him away. Instead of praising him, I broke his spirit.
Maybe there was just too much silence in the house while everyone was away. Maybe I was just lonely, that I actually had a conversation with Monty and asked for his forgiveness. For the first time in five years, he snuggled up to me without feeling uncomfortable. I felt his loyalty and I felt his love. Just a simple moment, that softened a coldness in my heart. That little Monty, unique in his own way, was not a monster after all.
Looking forward to a special family gathering at mom & dad's for supper tomorrow. We've decided to spend more time together as a family, so we'll make it a top priority to gather together once every one or two months. It isn't exactly easy with a family of six, plus husbands and grandchildren, but I'm glad we are all making an effort.
Since we have come together and opened our hearts to overcome the major obstacles that threatened to separate us, we have all finally arrived on the same page with love, understanding, forgiveness and respect. Never have we ever become so close.
The air doesn't hang so heavy, and the tone has changed drastically. Even the dogs are different. Speaking of dogs, I thought I would share the story of Monty. My mom's little Pomeranian/Yorkshire Terrier mix.
Monty was almost five months old when my mom picked him up from the pet store in which my sister worked. She actually got a little discount because the manager couldn't sell him, 'because he was so ugly' he said. He was small for his age. The runt of the litter. Interesting features unlike any other dog I had seen, he was about the size of a pound of butter.
I was about forteen years old when mom brought him home that night. She brought him to the house where I was babysitting until evening. I can remember the anticipation that ran through me, as I just wanted to get home, to get to know our new little dog.
His body shook with fear, as he had a hard time adjusting to his first night in the new home. I knew that he needed me, so I brought a blanket into the hallway and I slept on the floor with him all night.
So at what point did my tender moments with the little guy turn to anger? I resented Monty so much that on recent visits to my parents I would push him off me, disgusted by the smell of his breath. The way he couldn't control his sneezing and snotting all over me when he got excited. The way his jagged teeth jutted out with an overbite.
On my last visit to my parents, which was Halloween night, I came down to look after the dogs Chloe and Monty while my parents were away for the weekend. It was then that we had our little intervention.
Monty hesistantly came into the bedroom and curled up at the end of the bed. I invited him to come closer, and on his own he wouldn't. I picked his small body up, and he was shaking. The same way he was 10 years earlier, that first night mom brought him home. I realized then that I had been cruel. Not physically, but emotionally I must have made some sort of impact, for him to feel uneasy around me. Which brought me to the question, why? Why had I been so cruel. As crazy as it is, I could actually pinpoint it to the exact day I began to resent him.
I had just moved away from my parents place a few months after I turned nineteen. Just four days after my move, my cat 'Missy' of seven years mysteriously disappeared. At that time it was crushing. I felt heavy, like my lungs were being crushed. I felt like I had lost my closest friend, because I did. As a child I didn't really have a whole lot of friends, so at twelve years old I confided in the one little being that listened to every word I said. That comforted my tears, and kissed away the hurt.
I called home everyday to see if she'd been found, only to find out what I already knew; I would never see her again.
In my desperation for sanity I asked mom if I could take Monty for the night, and she agreed. And so, I spent the night talking to Monty while he listened with complete focus and understanding, even though he had absolutely no clue what I was talking about. He knew in some way I needed him, and maybe he felt it his duty to comfort me as I had him his first night in his new home.
At one point I took him outside for a bathroom break. I hooked him up to his collar, and headed down the three flight of stairs in my pajamas, and big boots that were sizes too big for me. I didn't even think to bring a jacket, as I just thought we'd be in and out. The cold November chill hit me like a slap in the face. It was well below freezing. Monty was in no hurry to do his business.
I slipped on some ice at the same moment Monty pulled away from me, taking off with such lightning speed.
Horrified I thought, 'I just lost my cat, and now I'm going to lose my mother's dog.'
My heart felt like it was splitting in two, as I tried to run after him. The boots were practically falling off my feet, I was slipping on ice, and the cold numbed every inch of my body. After five minutes of panic, desperation and humiliation, I made one last final attempt as I lunged for Monty's leash dragging behind him.
Success. I was so angry when I caught him, I couldn't see straight. My body fueled with tremendous loss, and now relief that he was alive and safe.
It was then, that very day, that I realized how much I had lost. And how much I never wanted to go through that again. And so, Monty became the poor victim of my hatred. 'I will never love you' I told him. 'Never'
In this overwhelming observation it hit me. I have been cruel. Instead of loving Monty, I pushed him away. Instead of praising him, I broke his spirit.
Maybe there was just too much silence in the house while everyone was away. Maybe I was just lonely, that I actually had a conversation with Monty and asked for his forgiveness. For the first time in five years, he snuggled up to me without feeling uncomfortable. I felt his loyalty and I felt his love. Just a simple moment, that softened a coldness in my heart. That little Monty, unique in his own way, was not a monster after all.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Remember this day, Remembrance day.
If you want the truth, just ask.
I would be more than happy to give you an honest answer.
I you want help, seek it.
I would be more than willing to be a listening ear.
If you want advise, experience it.
Decide for yourself, and ask me to embrace it with you, with just as much passion.
I will be your support.
If you want to learn something, DO IT!! Learn all that you want to know.
Then decide if it's worth your time.
If you want something out of reach, grab a stool, and stand on your tip toes,
until you can grasp it firmly, then relax with the reflections of your journey.
Look how far you've come to get there.
If someone tells you that you can't,
Prove them wrong, or accept your losses and start over. Perhaps starting over would be the beginning of a new life, that you love more.
A breath of fresh air. Take it. You can.
You can breath, you can live, and you can enjoy each day until the very last.
Why are you stuck somewhere that is unmotivating/depressing your every strengths into weaknesses? What can you do to change it? What have you got to lose, why not make the next step? Why are you so afraid to move forward? Why are you so afraid of your own truth? And why is it that you are so afraid to ask for help? Not only just by asking, but by accepting it as well.
Why can't you accept it, if it will make you feel better? Why turn your back on something good? Why is it that you feel that you don't deserve it? Who did you believe, that froze your insides. That in that instant, your body grew up, but your mind never had the chance to, because that person you believed.
That person that told you you couldn't do something was nobody other than yourself,
after you heard it the first time.
Children are cruel. They don't know any better, and the only mannerisms they learn need to be taught. Which is why I would much rather take a stand, and set a positive example, so that one day our children will look back and remember all those wonderful memories that brought us closer.
That looking back at those magical moments, and being thankful for all that you experienced and all the lessons that you learned from making mistakes along the way,
Brings you to this exact moment and who you are today.
You are a better person, because you have decided that you've had enough.
Your lifting it up off your shoulders and throwing as far away from you as you can.
Today is the day you take in all that you deserve. All the love and support, all the encouragement, all the affection... BECAUSE YOU ARE LOVED. Today is the day that you will give back many times more than you receive, and feel good about it. Humble your heart with the beauty of love, laughter and life.
I love you. When you mess up, and feel guilty because you've fallen off the wagon again. For the first. Second. Tenth time. I still love you and I always will.
No one or anything can ever come between that love. No comprise. No temptation. No weakness. I love you know matter what. And because I love you that much. Because I would die for you, but live now inside of you, in your heart. I ask you, that all I need from loving you is for you to love me.
Love me.... I will love you until the end and thereafter.
Love me... I will bring you the peace and happiness you are looking for.
Love me... and tell me your hurt, I will pray for your healing.
Love me... and I will devote my spirit, fur-fill your aspirations with love and support.
Love me... and I will protect you. I will never betray you. I will not hurt you.
I will not judge.
Love me as I love you.
Love yourself as you love me.
Remember today, remember the day,
The day that changed you life.
After today there's no looking back
Beginning tomorrow get your life on back on track.
Sleep well, relax, hope lingers in the air.
Inhale the sweet pleasures that faith will take you there.
Believe, you shall receive. Call my name and open your heart.
I am your friend I would only listen, I put my trust in your every decision.
Without the judgement in my soul, maybe telling me could fill the hole.
You'll never know if you back out with doubt.
Isn't that something too talk about? Something that you could live without?
As the seasons that change within your soul, let winter not be the cold in your heart.
Just because you see what that it is cold and dead outside, does not mean you can't be warm inside.
Rekindle your love. Rekindle your passion.
Let your fire drive you and lead you in the right direction.
Keep in mind though your passion may not be perfect. You don't need to be the best out there, just be the best within yourself, That is all I care.
I Love you.... I will love you until the end and thereafter.
I love you... I will bring you the peace and happiness you are looking for.
I love you... I will open my heart, and tell you how I feel.
I love you... and I will devote my spirit, fur-fill your dreams with love and support.
I love you...I will never betray you. I will not hurt you.
I will not judge.
Love me as I love you.
Love yourself as you love me.
Remember today,
Remembrance day,
The day that many of us remember our loved ones who fought so hard to stay alive.
The love you've never really lost. Love is forever. Our lost love's are waiting on the other side.
That the pain they have suffered, is merely a tainted scar, because underneath the surface the damage didn't get too far.
As spiritual beings, we are surrounded, protected by an invisible source, in everyone's heart I speak, is the voice of our dear Lord.
I remember today as a day that I remember the love in my heart for all those people who suffered or are suffering. All the family that lived through it.
Deepest sympathies for those who could not be with us today. My loved one's. Your loved one's. It is with such fond memories in my life that have kept me going. The future holds a glimmer of hope for a better tomorrow.
So that in my own battle for survival, I live a success. I am remembered in the end.
As 11/11 seems to be the driving force of my life, I am purposely delivering this message, so that my heart is open to change.
I am willing to do whatever it takes.
This was my first task.
Love & prayers,
God bless
P.S
The exact time I finished this post was at 11:11pm on November 11th.
I would be more than happy to give you an honest answer.
I you want help, seek it.
I would be more than willing to be a listening ear.
If you want advise, experience it.
Decide for yourself, and ask me to embrace it with you, with just as much passion.
I will be your support.
If you want to learn something, DO IT!! Learn all that you want to know.
Then decide if it's worth your time.
If you want something out of reach, grab a stool, and stand on your tip toes,
until you can grasp it firmly, then relax with the reflections of your journey.
Look how far you've come to get there.
If someone tells you that you can't,
Prove them wrong, or accept your losses and start over. Perhaps starting over would be the beginning of a new life, that you love more.
A breath of fresh air. Take it. You can.
You can breath, you can live, and you can enjoy each day until the very last.
Why are you stuck somewhere that is unmotivating/depressing your every strengths into weaknesses? What can you do to change it? What have you got to lose, why not make the next step? Why are you so afraid to move forward? Why are you so afraid of your own truth? And why is it that you are so afraid to ask for help? Not only just by asking, but by accepting it as well.
Why can't you accept it, if it will make you feel better? Why turn your back on something good? Why is it that you feel that you don't deserve it? Who did you believe, that froze your insides. That in that instant, your body grew up, but your mind never had the chance to, because that person you believed.
That person that told you you couldn't do something was nobody other than yourself,
after you heard it the first time.
Children are cruel. They don't know any better, and the only mannerisms they learn need to be taught. Which is why I would much rather take a stand, and set a positive example, so that one day our children will look back and remember all those wonderful memories that brought us closer.
That looking back at those magical moments, and being thankful for all that you experienced and all the lessons that you learned from making mistakes along the way,
Brings you to this exact moment and who you are today.
You are a better person, because you have decided that you've had enough.
Your lifting it up off your shoulders and throwing as far away from you as you can.
Today is the day you take in all that you deserve. All the love and support, all the encouragement, all the affection... BECAUSE YOU ARE LOVED. Today is the day that you will give back many times more than you receive, and feel good about it. Humble your heart with the beauty of love, laughter and life.
I love you. When you mess up, and feel guilty because you've fallen off the wagon again. For the first. Second. Tenth time. I still love you and I always will.
No one or anything can ever come between that love. No comprise. No temptation. No weakness. I love you know matter what. And because I love you that much. Because I would die for you, but live now inside of you, in your heart. I ask you, that all I need from loving you is for you to love me.
Love me.... I will love you until the end and thereafter.
Love me... I will bring you the peace and happiness you are looking for.
Love me... and tell me your hurt, I will pray for your healing.
Love me... and I will devote my spirit, fur-fill your aspirations with love and support.
Love me... and I will protect you. I will never betray you. I will not hurt you.
I will not judge.
Love me as I love you.
Love yourself as you love me.
Remember today, remember the day,
The day that changed you life.
After today there's no looking back
Beginning tomorrow get your life on back on track.
Sleep well, relax, hope lingers in the air.
Inhale the sweet pleasures that faith will take you there.
Believe, you shall receive. Call my name and open your heart.
I am your friend I would only listen, I put my trust in your every decision.
Without the judgement in my soul, maybe telling me could fill the hole.
You'll never know if you back out with doubt.
Isn't that something too talk about? Something that you could live without?
As the seasons that change within your soul, let winter not be the cold in your heart.
Just because you see what that it is cold and dead outside, does not mean you can't be warm inside.
Rekindle your love. Rekindle your passion.
Let your fire drive you and lead you in the right direction.
Keep in mind though your passion may not be perfect. You don't need to be the best out there, just be the best within yourself, That is all I care.
I Love you.... I will love you until the end and thereafter.
I love you... I will bring you the peace and happiness you are looking for.
I love you... I will open my heart, and tell you how I feel.
I love you... and I will devote my spirit, fur-fill your dreams with love and support.
I love you...I will never betray you. I will not hurt you.
I will not judge.
Love me as I love you.
Love yourself as you love me.
Remember today,
Remembrance day,
The day that many of us remember our loved ones who fought so hard to stay alive.
The love you've never really lost. Love is forever. Our lost love's are waiting on the other side.
That the pain they have suffered, is merely a tainted scar, because underneath the surface the damage didn't get too far.
As spiritual beings, we are surrounded, protected by an invisible source, in everyone's heart I speak, is the voice of our dear Lord.
I remember today as a day that I remember the love in my heart for all those people who suffered or are suffering. All the family that lived through it.
Deepest sympathies for those who could not be with us today. My loved one's. Your loved one's. It is with such fond memories in my life that have kept me going. The future holds a glimmer of hope for a better tomorrow.
So that in my own battle for survival, I live a success. I am remembered in the end.
As 11/11 seems to be the driving force of my life, I am purposely delivering this message, so that my heart is open to change.
I am willing to do whatever it takes.
This was my first task.
Love & prayers,
God bless
P.S
The exact time I finished this post was at 11:11pm on November 11th.
Saturday, November 01, 2008
We had a wonderful Halloween. Rebecca enjoyed her first 'Trick or treat', and said her good-byes with a polite thank-you. She was dressed as a sweet little Lady Bug, and sweet she was melting the hearts of many.
We went to Cornwall to visit Ma mere, at the pet store beforehand. Rebecca enjoyed petting the kittens, and making fish faces into the aquariums. Her favorite source of entertainment was no doubt the cat toys.
After our night out, we ended up in Johnstown to visit my parents. Our tuckered out little girl was ready for bed.
So now we come to the first of November. A 'White Rabbit' as my grandad would say. In his memory I pulled out some old home movies, in search of a one minute video footage of my grandad. Most of the time he was the one who stood behind the camera, but I remembered there was one clip among all of them with his smiling face that I yearned to see again. His laughter that lit up the room. His voice.
I found it. He was singing his silly song...
'What do you do with a drunken sailor' Which my mother began and my grandad joined in.
'What do you do with a drunken sailor', That finished with a 'Early in the morning', but instead he raised his beer and sang, 'Give him another beer.'
Then he entertained us with a shuffle.
My eyes watered to see him again. To hear his voice that I miss so much. I don't think a day goes by that I don't think about him. I Love you, and I will never forget you.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Sunday, October 05, 2008
It's October already. The leaves have begun to change color, and fall from the trees with the changing season. Waking up at seven-thirty seems to get a little harder, without the early morning sun... and with it the undeniable chill.
Today Becca is eighteen months old.
As the baby stages have become a thing of the past, toddlerhood welcomes so many new and exciting surprises. For the first time I am able to get a glimpse of her world, as her personality unfolds right before my eyes.
On many occasions she has caught us off guard... Dave and myself exchanging glances, our mouths open with shock. Lately it's the sweet, soft 'Night, night. Love you' That blows me away. It melts my heart.
Today Becca is eighteen months old.
As the baby stages have become a thing of the past, toddlerhood welcomes so many new and exciting surprises. For the first time I am able to get a glimpse of her world, as her personality unfolds right before my eyes.
On many occasions she has caught us off guard... Dave and myself exchanging glances, our mouths open with shock. Lately it's the sweet, soft 'Night, night. Love you' That blows me away. It melts my heart.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Take a stand
Stand up for yourself, stand up to what you believe.
Why did you decide so quick to give up on your dreams?
Stand up on your own two feet, when the world expects you to fall.
Why should it be left in the hands of someone else to make you feel so small?
Stand up, expose your open wounds to all.
Show the world, prove them wrong, through wreckage you stand tall.
Why did you decide so quick to give up on your dreams?
Stand up on your own two feet, when the world expects you to fall.
Why should it be left in the hands of someone else to make you feel so small?
Stand up, expose your open wounds to all.
Show the world, prove them wrong, through wreckage you stand tall.
Throwing out the trash.... not a simple task
After reading back through my journal I've discovered so much about myself, that I have kept locked within. My fears of insecurity have been unleashed... First things first, I'm not going to worry about it anymore, so lastly; my final step, throw it out there.
'As the insecurities surface without warning. I realize that these are feelings I can no longer hide. All the pain, all the shame held deep inside.
I hate being so defensive towards constructive criticism
I hate feeling insignificant
I hate humor at anyone's expense, especially my own
I hate asking, yet I don't like telling
I hate that I can't make up my mind
I hate not having control, yet being to afraid to take it
I hate that I procrastinate out of fear, not because I'm lazy
I hate that I have such a hard time focusing on a simple task
I hate that I can't just pick up the phone and make a simple call
I hate feeling like I'm not doing a good enough job
I hate feeling judged
I hate cosmetics, and feeling like I need to wear make up to be beautiful
I hate that I want to look older, when I know someday I'll want to look younger
I hate that my wardrobe affects my self esteem
I hate how I can be selfish, how I'd prefer to sulk and be miserable than talk
I hate how I can't help but get so emotional when I talk about my feelings
I hate that I can't find the words to tell you how much I love you
I am a free spirit;
I like freedom
I like being spontaneous
I like adventure, nature, beauty
I like room to grow, not small spaces; suffocation, limits
I like plain white paper, without feeling restricted by lines, and staying within the boundaries
I like unfolding mystery, guessing, suspense, thrills, rides
I like laughter, hugs & kisses, warmth, comfort
I like feeling appreciated
I like to make you feel special, I feel grateful and
I like saying thank you
Thank you for being you, and for bringing out the best in me.
Caught up in the everyday rush, I tend to look past all the wonderful things that make life worth living.
I love you.'
There you have it, and I feel so much better.
Thanks for reading.
'As the insecurities surface without warning. I realize that these are feelings I can no longer hide. All the pain, all the shame held deep inside.
I hate being so defensive towards constructive criticism
I hate feeling insignificant
I hate humor at anyone's expense, especially my own
I hate asking, yet I don't like telling
I hate that I can't make up my mind
I hate not having control, yet being to afraid to take it
I hate that I procrastinate out of fear, not because I'm lazy
I hate that I have such a hard time focusing on a simple task
I hate that I can't just pick up the phone and make a simple call
I hate feeling like I'm not doing a good enough job
I hate feeling judged
I hate cosmetics, and feeling like I need to wear make up to be beautiful
I hate that I want to look older, when I know someday I'll want to look younger
I hate that my wardrobe affects my self esteem
I hate how I can be selfish, how I'd prefer to sulk and be miserable than talk
I hate how I can't help but get so emotional when I talk about my feelings
I hate that I can't find the words to tell you how much I love you
I am a free spirit;
I like freedom
I like being spontaneous
I like adventure, nature, beauty
I like room to grow, not small spaces; suffocation, limits
I like plain white paper, without feeling restricted by lines, and staying within the boundaries
I like unfolding mystery, guessing, suspense, thrills, rides
I like laughter, hugs & kisses, warmth, comfort
I like feeling appreciated
I like to make you feel special, I feel grateful and
I like saying thank you
Thank you for being you, and for bringing out the best in me.
Caught up in the everyday rush, I tend to look past all the wonderful things that make life worth living.
I love you.'
There you have it, and I feel so much better.
Thanks for reading.
Too young for motherhood? Enough already.
So this is my dilemma; call it what you will, I call it irritating.
A typical conversation might begin with small talk, and always comes down to the simple curiosity and probing question, 'you look a little young to be a mother', or 'she can not be yours, your like in high school'.
Based on your lack of knowledge, comments like that don't ease the conversation along any easier. Already I feel backed into a corner, and looking for anything to use as my defense. So maybe I do look a little young for my age. More like a student, fresh out of high school, than a young adult of twenty-four, but really it shouldn't make a difference. Age is just a number. Theoretically speaking, you can be twenty, thirty or forty, and in some cases never ready for children.
Shouldn't parenthood be based on level of maturity?
Obviously, I am not thumbs up to teenage pregnancy. The teenage years should be devoted to sense of self and understanding and throwing a baby into the mix would only complicate what's already a roller coaster of emotions.
Initially, I would feel a slight sense of embarrassment, and reveal my age, hoping it would be deemed acceptable. Until now, I have decided it is really not their business, nor do I wish to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing. Besides I like to keep them guessing, and causing such a stir among the older mothers.
I was once asked, 'So are you the nanny, or the sister?' Without missing a beat I replied, 'I'm her mother', and feeling proud of it.
To answer your question, because I know your just dying to know...
My daughter is my life. Everything I do is for her, and everything I am is because of her. I am not ashamed that I don't have an outstanding career, and currently not working up the chain towards financial success. Nor does material status matter to me at all. That does not mean that I have no goals for our future.
I have my own conquests, a direction I visualize a little further down the road, but right now, my family is my number one focus. This time that I have been given is the most valuable, precious and fulfilling experience I could ever ask for, and it goes by way to quickly as it is.
A typical conversation might begin with small talk, and always comes down to the simple curiosity and probing question, 'you look a little young to be a mother', or 'she can not be yours, your like in high school'.
Based on your lack of knowledge, comments like that don't ease the conversation along any easier. Already I feel backed into a corner, and looking for anything to use as my defense. So maybe I do look a little young for my age. More like a student, fresh out of high school, than a young adult of twenty-four, but really it shouldn't make a difference. Age is just a number. Theoretically speaking, you can be twenty, thirty or forty, and in some cases never ready for children.
Shouldn't parenthood be based on level of maturity?
Obviously, I am not thumbs up to teenage pregnancy. The teenage years should be devoted to sense of self and understanding and throwing a baby into the mix would only complicate what's already a roller coaster of emotions.
Initially, I would feel a slight sense of embarrassment, and reveal my age, hoping it would be deemed acceptable. Until now, I have decided it is really not their business, nor do I wish to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing. Besides I like to keep them guessing, and causing such a stir among the older mothers.
I was once asked, 'So are you the nanny, or the sister?' Without missing a beat I replied, 'I'm her mother', and feeling proud of it.
To answer your question, because I know your just dying to know...
My daughter is my life. Everything I do is for her, and everything I am is because of her. I am not ashamed that I don't have an outstanding career, and currently not working up the chain towards financial success. Nor does material status matter to me at all. That does not mean that I have no goals for our future.
I have my own conquests, a direction I visualize a little further down the road, but right now, my family is my number one focus. This time that I have been given is the most valuable, precious and fulfilling experience I could ever ask for, and it goes by way to quickly as it is.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Growing up
There's so much that she understands, as her mind trickles over with curiosity, and opens itself to a whole new world.
We finished up our bath time routine on schedule, when we found ourselves making faces into the mirror.
'Show mommy your 'happy' face' I said. We both smiled our biggest smiles. So big in fact our eyes disappeared.
'Show mommy your 'sad' face. I said. We both stared at our frowning faces in the mirror. It was then that Becca started sniffling, and used her index finger to show a tear falling down her face. 'Boo hoo'. She cried. Amazing.
'Show mommy you 'Angry' face.' I said.
'Angry' Becca repeated, as she gave her most cross expression. We both shared a good laugh, followed by hugs and kisses.
Becca will be 17 months next week. Our little girl is growing up.
We finished up our bath time routine on schedule, when we found ourselves making faces into the mirror.
'Show mommy your 'happy' face' I said. We both smiled our biggest smiles. So big in fact our eyes disappeared.
'Show mommy your 'sad' face. I said. We both stared at our frowning faces in the mirror. It was then that Becca started sniffling, and used her index finger to show a tear falling down her face. 'Boo hoo'. She cried. Amazing.
'Show mommy you 'Angry' face.' I said.
'Angry' Becca repeated, as she gave her most cross expression. We both shared a good laugh, followed by hugs and kisses.
Becca will be 17 months next week. Our little girl is growing up.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Unknown
A long time ago,
but not so long ago...
I met someone who changed my life.
Who seemed to have opened my eyes to a world full of the unknown.
I experienced everything through new eyes, as though every time I blinked I was seeing everything for the first time.
The most glorious color. So vibrant, so vivid. The urge to touch it has become so irrestible. How have I not seen it like this before? How could I have been so blind? There everything whispered right in front of me, like a breath of fresh air.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Oxygen. Never in my life had I been so thankful to breathe. Every breath before, I had taken for granted. I breathe so deeply, my lungs feel about to burst.
Experience has changed me.
Overwhelming obstacles, sorrow and many tears have made me stronger.
A long time ago,
but not so long ago...
losing someone changed my life.
It seemed to have opened my eyes to a world full of the unknown.
The grief has gripped me, and the world has been put on hold.
I lose sight of color, and visible to me now, is not much more than black in white.
The physical pain is unbearable. The knots in my stomach seem to tighten with my throat. That breath of fresh air... is a struggle. I feel as though I am suffocating.
With passing time, the world of the unknown... returns as it was.
The feeling of my return was like arriving home, unveiled with comfort.
but not so long ago...
I met someone who changed my life.
Who seemed to have opened my eyes to a world full of the unknown.
I experienced everything through new eyes, as though every time I blinked I was seeing everything for the first time.
The most glorious color. So vibrant, so vivid. The urge to touch it has become so irrestible. How have I not seen it like this before? How could I have been so blind? There everything whispered right in front of me, like a breath of fresh air.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Oxygen. Never in my life had I been so thankful to breathe. Every breath before, I had taken for granted. I breathe so deeply, my lungs feel about to burst.
Experience has changed me.
Overwhelming obstacles, sorrow and many tears have made me stronger.
A long time ago,
but not so long ago...
losing someone changed my life.
It seemed to have opened my eyes to a world full of the unknown.
The grief has gripped me, and the world has been put on hold.
I lose sight of color, and visible to me now, is not much more than black in white.
The physical pain is unbearable. The knots in my stomach seem to tighten with my throat. That breath of fresh air... is a struggle. I feel as though I am suffocating.
With passing time, the world of the unknown... returns as it was.
The feeling of my return was like arriving home, unveiled with comfort.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Thoughtful message
Last week as I took my seat on the bus, I couldn't help but notice in front of me a middle aged man talking to an elderly man. The elderly man was deeply sympathetic towards this man, not dare interrupting a word he said. He just sat there and listened.
The middle aged man looked in a state of crisis, fighting hard to keep the tears from spilling down his cheeks.
It was when the elderly man stood to his feet when the bus had finally reached his stop that they said their good-byes. Before he left, he turned and said, 'You will live as long as you want, as long as you want as long you will live.'
The comment must have hit home with me, as the message has implanted itself within my soul.
The middle aged man looked in a state of crisis, fighting hard to keep the tears from spilling down his cheeks.
It was when the elderly man stood to his feet when the bus had finally reached his stop that they said their good-byes. Before he left, he turned and said, 'You will live as long as you want, as long as you want as long you will live.'
The comment must have hit home with me, as the message has implanted itself within my soul.
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Hidden Talents
Matthew 25:14-30 / The parable of the talents
'God gives us time, abilities, gifts and other resources, and he expects us to invest in them wisely until He returns. We are expected to use well what God has given us.
The issue is not how much we have, but what we do with what we have.'
___________________________________________________________
I have been given the ability to change, only to come up with another excuse.
All the power is within me, what have I got to lose?
The time I have been given is limited, each day, one day closer to the end.
I will not waste another day, I must carry through with God's great plan.
So many gifts I have to work with, some may need more time to grow.
Each mature at a different pace, some quickly and others slow.
'Hidden talents emerge out of the shadows.
New inspirations are born.
Your capabilities may surprise you, as you discover yourself for the first time.'
'God gives us time, abilities, gifts and other resources, and he expects us to invest in them wisely until He returns. We are expected to use well what God has given us.
The issue is not how much we have, but what we do with what we have.'
___________________________________________________________
I have been given the ability to change, only to come up with another excuse.
All the power is within me, what have I got to lose?
The time I have been given is limited, each day, one day closer to the end.
I will not waste another day, I must carry through with God's great plan.
So many gifts I have to work with, some may need more time to grow.
Each mature at a different pace, some quickly and others slow.
'Hidden talents emerge out of the shadows.
New inspirations are born.
Your capabilities may surprise you, as you discover yourself for the first time.'
Friday, February 01, 2008
First tooth
Last night during Becca's bath, I made a discovery. Her first tooth, just five days shy of ten months. That explains the night time wake up calls.
Just thought I'd share the news.
Just thought I'd share the news.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Behind those eyes 'Revised version'
Eyes full of wonder, a clueless mystery.
A puzzle with a picture, that only you can see.
Hidden behind those eyes, that I try to look so deep.
Memories bound in your mind, secrets that you keep.
Yearning to know more, not intending to pry.
I just want to see what you see behind those eyes.
Eyes full of passion, flowing creativity.
Humbled by your nature, your sensitivity.
Hidden behind those eyes, is a journey our love now shares.
Once we had uncovered what was underneath the layers.
Pure love, naked of disguise.
The untold secret, hiding behind those eyes.
A puzzle with a picture, that only you can see.
Hidden behind those eyes, that I try to look so deep.
Memories bound in your mind, secrets that you keep.
Yearning to know more, not intending to pry.
I just want to see what you see behind those eyes.
Eyes full of passion, flowing creativity.
Humbled by your nature, your sensitivity.
Hidden behind those eyes, is a journey our love now shares.
Once we had uncovered what was underneath the layers.
Pure love, naked of disguise.
The untold secret, hiding behind those eyes.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Why do I write?
Frustration. anger. Am I losing my mind?
Sometimes I wonder if it is worth the time.
Patiently waiting for the words to flow free,
Why I write, makes no sense to me.
Something inside is holding me back,
I try to compensate for all that I lack.
Ignoring the block I continue to write,
but all I see is black and white.
Sometimes I wonder if it is worth the time.
Patiently waiting for the words to flow free,
Why I write, makes no sense to me.
Something inside is holding me back,
I try to compensate for all that I lack.
Ignoring the block I continue to write,
but all I see is black and white.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Over and Out
I awoke this morning to my usual wake up call. Eight O' Clock, on the button. Only this morning, Becca had something in store for me. A surprise that she knew would bring a smile to my face, because when I opened the door, she was aleady beaming, as if she were saying, 'look what I did mommy.' Smiling from ear to ear and batting her eye lashes, she was so proud. Becca had pulled herself up, all on her own. Holding the rail, as if it were a prize winning trophy. I scooped her up in my arms, and smothered her face with kisses.
Looks like it's time to lower the mattress before Becca goes over and out.
Among the other skills she's acquired. Finger painting is definately one of her top three favorites. Food finger painting, while I stand at the side lines and let go of that little ounce of control I once had. Hoping that some of it, actually makes it into her mouth. She has become so independent.
Last night she dumped all the toys out of her box, and flipped the box over face down. She then proceeded to use it as a walker, pushing it while on her knees. Then pulling herself up so that she was not quite standing, but hunched over. I watched, amazed. Here I am witnessing a miracle, as Rebecca progressively reaches these wonderous milestones. What I can teach her, and what she learns on her own is what I live for. This is my purpose.
Looks like it's time to lower the mattress before Becca goes over and out.
Among the other skills she's acquired. Finger painting is definately one of her top three favorites. Food finger painting, while I stand at the side lines and let go of that little ounce of control I once had. Hoping that some of it, actually makes it into her mouth. She has become so independent.
Last night she dumped all the toys out of her box, and flipped the box over face down. She then proceeded to use it as a walker, pushing it while on her knees. Then pulling herself up so that she was not quite standing, but hunched over. I watched, amazed. Here I am witnessing a miracle, as Rebecca progressively reaches these wonderous milestones. What I can teach her, and what she learns on her own is what I live for. This is my purpose.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
One day you'll be free
It saddens me, to see you this way.
That your personality has been altered before my eyes.
I didn't want to believe that this could happen to you, that you would never be able to recognize.
There is no reasoning, there is nothing, that could ever change your mind.
You plead with everyone, but all you want to hear, is that everything is fine.
Your world has become so frustrating, you can't seem to convince anyone that you are sane.
All the while you are losing your mind, the illness is to blame.
Don't forget that I love you.
Nothing will ever change who you are to me.
Stay strong, there is hope, that one day you'll be free.
That your personality has been altered before my eyes.
I didn't want to believe that this could happen to you, that you would never be able to recognize.
There is no reasoning, there is nothing, that could ever change your mind.
You plead with everyone, but all you want to hear, is that everything is fine.
Your world has become so frustrating, you can't seem to convince anyone that you are sane.
All the while you are losing your mind, the illness is to blame.
Don't forget that I love you.
Nothing will ever change who you are to me.
Stay strong, there is hope, that one day you'll be free.
Spoon for a giant
'Becca', I say in my most authoritive voice. 'No'. Her back legs continue to pump, pushing her body forward. She's on a mission. The phone cord has sparked her curiousity. A little hand reaches out. A little closer.
The sound out the kitchen drawer opening, brings her attention back to me. I pull out a laddle, and her eyes beam with excitement. She turns her body away from the forbidden cord, to investigate what it is that I am holding. 'Look at this Becca,' I say enthusiastically as I kneal down at her level. 'It's a spoon for a giant.'
I am amazed how something so small and so ordinary can bring so much joy. A beautiful moment.
The sound out the kitchen drawer opening, brings her attention back to me. I pull out a laddle, and her eyes beam with excitement. She turns her body away from the forbidden cord, to investigate what it is that I am holding. 'Look at this Becca,' I say enthusiastically as I kneal down at her level. 'It's a spoon for a giant.'
I am amazed how something so small and so ordinary can bring so much joy. A beautiful moment.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)