Sunday, April 22, 2012

Tea Party

'Hello', I said, greeting all of our guests around the table. There was Becca, pink rabbit, and Barbie. 'That's not how we say it at a Royal Tea Party mamma' Becca corrected. 'We say, how do you do?'

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Memories to last forever

Trying to relax and simply enjoy the weekend. I am visiting my parents home in Johnstown, and taking in all the new changes all around, which is taking quite a bit to get used to. There have been many renovations in their home over the last three weeks. It's almost as though everytime I look up, my eyes are playing tricks on me. I expect to see the dark plum colored living room, and it's now a neutral beige. Upstairs in our old bedrooms it's really bizzare... Looking at my little sister Cindy's old room, now missing the four floor to ceiling wall murals of life under the sea, is just strange. I remember her begging mom to let her paint just one shark, and how one shark became two, and through the passing months there became schools of fish, coral, seaweed, rocks, and more fish. It was like walking into an aquarium. All of that is now gone.

And my old bedroom...with the African Lion Safari theme. I remember the rough patch I hit in my life when I decided to pick up my things and move out. Not exactly the best decision I ever made, and one that had me crawling back only three months later. As it turned out my roommate and her boyfriend carried an insane amount of drama that drove me to get the heck out of there as fast as I could. At that point, I had lost track of how many holes her boyfriend had put into the walls with his raging childlike fits, and I honestly just couldn't cope. I was indeed a rebellious young teenager who wanted to make my own rules, and honestly coming back home was the best decision. I remember coming back home and thinking, 'I cannot move back into that pink room' and so I expressed my wild side with a full bedroom make over... with safari themed inspiration. All of that is now gone.

After all of us have now have spread our wings and left the nest, my mom and dad have decided that it is time to downsize. The colors have been painted over, but the memories will last forever.

Saturday, April 07, 2012

Birthday party for a princess


Becca climbed into my bed at 6am this morning, 'When is my birthday party?' Followed by 'how much longer?' every ten minutes. Thank goodness I planned for an earlier party this year at 11am, I don't think she could have taken much more. Sleeping Beauty arrived right on schedule... and the girls were so delighted. It was such a wonderful day. Rebecca and the other girl's really enjoyed having Sleeping Beauty read them a story, do their make up, and all of the other fun surprises!!!
It was a really special day, thanks to the Bibbidi Bobbidi magic that made Becca's fairytale dreams come true!

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

5 years ago...

5 years ago I was eating the most wonderful dish of spaghetti, with a side of garlic toast. So delicious in fact, that as I began the first stages of labor, I insisted on finishing before making that final trip to the hospital. When I felt a contraction I stood up, walked it out, and then sat back down.

Tomorrow at 4:53am my baby girl turns 5.

Just today she came with me to my 5th month baby check up. She smiled at the sound of the baby's beating heart.

Monday, April 02, 2012

Through the eyes of my little girl


I read that sometimes images can spark creativity, and inspiration. My daughter was very intrigued by some images and something about her observations fascinated me, so I thought would share. In the first picture she described this place as pretty. `The flowers are colorful, I would smell them and pick some for you.`

In the next picture she described this place as spooky. `The water is grey, the bridge looks old, and the trees look dark... if I was standing there I would run away.`

Sunday, April 01, 2012

One day at a time

I am really trying my hardest to set more time aside for myself to write. Not only when I feel that sweet pang of inspiration, but also when I feel the furthest from motivation to write or even want to look at a pen and let it all out. I am like a chamber, a holder of information that I often times keep to myself. Slowly I am working to explore these thoughts, and somehow put the pieces of the puzzle together. Aren't people fascinating?? Not only am I on a journey of self discovery, but I am truly interested in other people, their experiences, and behaviors. People are sometimes just so quick to judge... you here someone say 'Oh, that person is crazy'. They can say that without ever having spent one day in that person's shoes. Without knowing the life that that individual has lived. I think at some point or another everyone shows a sign of a personality disorder, or experiences an incredible amount of stress that might temporarily have them acting in a way that might be considered bizarre. I will be the first to admit I have gone through many periods where I have questioned my own sanity.

As early as eleven I remember watching ever so carefully what I ate, depriving myself even, of food in fear of ever gaining weight. I had such a poor self image of myself that I was constantly comparing myself to others, and felt that I had no value. I was not important. I was a nobody. I lived these feelings every day with a smile on my face, and a sense of humor to cover up the ugly.

In high school I experimented with drugs. I remember that my first taste of marijiwana was to fit in. Isn't that how it usually begins? It was an aweful experience, and I really don't know what made me even think to ever want to try it again, but I suppose I could compare it to my first hangover, I distinctly remember saying 'I'm never drinking again'. After smoking pot a few times more, I quickly learned there was a trick to it... mind over matter. Soon there was no longer any panic or paranoia, and it became a very pleasant escape. Some people say that pot is not addictive, but I beg to differ. I agree that it does not have the same addictive qualities as nicotine, they both have very different with-drawl affects in my own personal experience. I hid the fact that I smoked pot on a daily basis for almost a year, as I never did it as a means of getting high/stoned, or beyond stupid. I took it in extremely small doses, several times a day, to feel normal. It was like taking medication for pain, and this was my way of making the hurt go away.

I struggled so much with my identity as a teenager, seeking the approval of others, and never really standing on my own two feet. All of my relationships were people pleasing, exhausting, and simply unhealthy, yet I worried so much about losing them, or feeling like I was just a big disappointment. I wish I could just go back and have a heart to heart chat with my sixteen year old self with the wisdom that I've come to know today... but it was through those experiences that has made me who I am, good and bad, I accept it all as it is.

We all know that one can never change the past, but we do have the power to make better choices now for the future. Just take it one day at a time.