Friday, October 09, 2009

Begin at the roots



How I would love to vent out all my frustrations and say 'men'.
If only he would....
If only he wouldn't...
but the truth is... Half of the problem is me.

Have I taken a moment to consider, everything I do and don't do. How I speak and the tone of my voice. How I make him feel?

Have I shown that I've valued his opinions? Listened, without interruption. Let him speak as though he had all the time in the world. Really listened? Really understood his every motivation and intention. Taken the time to know him inside and out? Would he think of me as his best friend? Whom he could trust, count on, and spill his heart out to?

Does he know just how much I appreciate him? Have I told him why I love him and how much I need him? Do I show my love enough? Do my actions speak for my words? Am I affectionate, complimentary and encouraging towards him?

Not enough, I know. Not for what he's worth, which is everything. I can't take this love for granted a day longer... I love you, and I am so thankful.

I fell in love with him, and in just a short amount of time I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I was willing to pick up and move, because I couldn't live another day without him. He was my inspiration.

He encouraged me to do things that petrified me, and talked me through it. His calm nature told me that everything would be okay. That I could take a risk, and he would be there no matter what, to support me.

He's caring. I learned that he was a family man, and truly fell in love with how he stayed connected with his family. How he made them feel better if they were upset, how he managed to get a smile with his incredible sense of humor. I imagined that would be me someday, and it certainly turned out just so. Only he, can make me cry and laugh at the same time.

He's talented. Passionate.
An artist with an exceptional ear for music.

And not to mention a great cook.

Years later, as comfort settles in and the initial excitement of something new has faded. Our love has been put to the test. We've seen tough times, and pulled through. We've laughed, and we've cried.

As time passes on, I am more grateful each day that I have such a wonderful life long partner to share my life with, and a beautiful daughter.

This new life we share as parents, has been the biggest challenge that I have yet to face. It forced me to look deep inside, and make some inner changes, and get rid of old baggage. What I hadn't realized is that it would take down an emotional roller coaster.

When I began to dream one night; a tree was revealed to me. It was a deserted tree in the middle of a clear green meadow. It stood alone, hovering limply. Lifeless. Dead.

Why am I here? I questioned. Why was I standing in this beautiful meadow with a single dead tree? The tree shook, and the last leaf fell slowly to the ground. The picture I was seeing was completely wrong. I knew it and I felt it.

The tears streamed down my cheeks, as the hollowness I felt crippled my body, I doubled over with tremendous pain. I let out a howl, and could do nothing but cry. In that instant a hand was placed on my shoulder. I looked up to see a man. He was full of light, and more beautiful than anything I had ever seen.

'This is your tree' He said. 'It stands hear as your symbol of life.'
'I don't understand.' I tell him, feeling confused.
'It represents your family.'
'My family?' My mouth gaped open revealing my shock. 'but it's dead.'
'Yes.' He said.
'What does that mean? How can the tree be a symbol of life if it's dead? How can that...' I was speechless. I looked at the tree in disgust. 'How can that represent my family?'
'It's not this tree that represents your family, this tree is in great danger, and this is not what I see for you.' He said. 'I see that you will find a way to save it, bring it back to life, and nurture it from that point on. The tree that really represents your family is what this tree will become, not as it is right now.'
'What this tree will become?'
'Yes.'
'How do I save it?'
'You need to begin at the roots.'
'The roots?' Now I was really confused.
'Yes.' He said, pausing thoughtfully. You see before this tree even began, the roots were damaged. So as the tree began to grow, it began to die a little more each day. It was neglected, unkept and forgotten about. But you see in order for your family, your husband and your children to thrive you need to begin at the roots. Mend what has been damaged and heal what has been hurt, and you then and only then.... will you find your life.' He said, turning, and adverting my attention back to the tree.
'But how do I...? I turned to face him, but he had vanished. Disappeared as quickly and as quietly as he had appeared.

I awoke from that dream, and found myself drenched in my own tears.
'Begin at the roots' echoed in my mind. What could that mean? I asked myself the question, and almost immediately had my answer. The roots!!! My family. My mother, my father and my sisters. I needed to mend what had been damaged, and heal what had been hurt, and then move on.