Friday, October 09, 2009

Begin at the roots



How I would love to vent out all my frustrations and say 'men'.
If only he would....
If only he wouldn't...
but the truth is... Half of the problem is me.

Have I taken a moment to consider, everything I do and don't do. How I speak and the tone of my voice. How I make him feel?

Have I shown that I've valued his opinions? Listened, without interruption. Let him speak as though he had all the time in the world. Really listened? Really understood his every motivation and intention. Taken the time to know him inside and out? Would he think of me as his best friend? Whom he could trust, count on, and spill his heart out to?

Does he know just how much I appreciate him? Have I told him why I love him and how much I need him? Do I show my love enough? Do my actions speak for my words? Am I affectionate, complimentary and encouraging towards him?

Not enough, I know. Not for what he's worth, which is everything. I can't take this love for granted a day longer... I love you, and I am so thankful.

I fell in love with him, and in just a short amount of time I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I was willing to pick up and move, because I couldn't live another day without him. He was my inspiration.

He encouraged me to do things that petrified me, and talked me through it. His calm nature told me that everything would be okay. That I could take a risk, and he would be there no matter what, to support me.

He's caring. I learned that he was a family man, and truly fell in love with how he stayed connected with his family. How he made them feel better if they were upset, how he managed to get a smile with his incredible sense of humor. I imagined that would be me someday, and it certainly turned out just so. Only he, can make me cry and laugh at the same time.

He's talented. Passionate.
An artist with an exceptional ear for music.

And not to mention a great cook.

Years later, as comfort settles in and the initial excitement of something new has faded. Our love has been put to the test. We've seen tough times, and pulled through. We've laughed, and we've cried.

As time passes on, I am more grateful each day that I have such a wonderful life long partner to share my life with, and a beautiful daughter.

This new life we share as parents, has been the biggest challenge that I have yet to face. It forced me to look deep inside, and make some inner changes, and get rid of old baggage. What I hadn't realized is that it would take down an emotional roller coaster.

When I began to dream one night; a tree was revealed to me. It was a deserted tree in the middle of a clear green meadow. It stood alone, hovering limply. Lifeless. Dead.

Why am I here? I questioned. Why was I standing in this beautiful meadow with a single dead tree? The tree shook, and the last leaf fell slowly to the ground. The picture I was seeing was completely wrong. I knew it and I felt it.

The tears streamed down my cheeks, as the hollowness I felt crippled my body, I doubled over with tremendous pain. I let out a howl, and could do nothing but cry. In that instant a hand was placed on my shoulder. I looked up to see a man. He was full of light, and more beautiful than anything I had ever seen.

'This is your tree' He said. 'It stands hear as your symbol of life.'
'I don't understand.' I tell him, feeling confused.
'It represents your family.'
'My family?' My mouth gaped open revealing my shock. 'but it's dead.'
'Yes.' He said.
'What does that mean? How can the tree be a symbol of life if it's dead? How can that...' I was speechless. I looked at the tree in disgust. 'How can that represent my family?'
'It's not this tree that represents your family, this tree is in great danger, and this is not what I see for you.' He said. 'I see that you will find a way to save it, bring it back to life, and nurture it from that point on. The tree that really represents your family is what this tree will become, not as it is right now.'
'What this tree will become?'
'Yes.'
'How do I save it?'
'You need to begin at the roots.'
'The roots?' Now I was really confused.
'Yes.' He said, pausing thoughtfully. You see before this tree even began, the roots were damaged. So as the tree began to grow, it began to die a little more each day. It was neglected, unkept and forgotten about. But you see in order for your family, your husband and your children to thrive you need to begin at the roots. Mend what has been damaged and heal what has been hurt, and you then and only then.... will you find your life.' He said, turning, and adverting my attention back to the tree.
'But how do I...? I turned to face him, but he had vanished. Disappeared as quickly and as quietly as he had appeared.

I awoke from that dream, and found myself drenched in my own tears.
'Begin at the roots' echoed in my mind. What could that mean? I asked myself the question, and almost immediately had my answer. The roots!!! My family. My mother, my father and my sisters. I needed to mend what had been damaged, and heal what had been hurt, and then move on.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Cicada

Perhaps I am strange to be excited by an insect... but I just can't help but stare in awe at how unusual and amazing a cicada is up close. It's been years, at least 6 years since I've seen one. It was on a camping trip at Sand banks beach, hanging out on the top of our tent. We noticed it when we took it down. The alien-like giant fly never seizes to captivate me in wonder. An insect that lives underground most of it's life ( between 7-17 years) living off the water from tree roots, surfaces for a few short weeks of freedom to mate, lay eggs, then die.

It's rare to actually see them, but you can't mistake the sound of the male cicada singing high in the tree tops to attract the females. It's very high pitch, almost like the buzzing of an electrical appliance. Unmistakable.

So when Dave tapped on the window this evening for me to come outside, my first thought was that it must be that the toad has returned. The big fat jolly one that keeps activating the light sensor. I was mistaken. He lead me to the light, and when I looked up I saw it. A beautiful lovely cicada. My initial reaction was to pull up a chair to get a closer look, but I could not stop the urge to pick it up with my bare hands. As intimidating as they appear, they are the most harmless creatures. They do not bite or sting.

I let it crawl up and down my arm, fascinated by the picking feet on my skin.
It was like my inner fearless child coming out. Watching each of the bugs tiny steps, examining it's shape, it's body, and movement. It climbed right up to my neck, and we stared at each other eye to eye before it flew away into the dark night. How long will it be before I see the next one?

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Deep

I give to you, the key to my heart,
You move me, with your charm.
I could spend, the rest of my life,
so close to you in your arms.

I cannot breath, I'm in too deep.
I feel you, next to me.

I can't escape, I'm bounded by love.
My promise is, I hope enough.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

A new life

All around me boxes are piling higher. Our belongings, put away... until we begin our new lives in a new place. Just the thought of it, gives me butterflies.
Five more days, and lives will be changed forever.
The last few weeks have been insane. Funny how we've waited what seemed like years, these last few months, that when it has finally come down to the last few days, I can't keep up.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

25 Things about me

1. Becoming a mother is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. My family is number one.

2. I get anxious if I feel isolated or claustrophobic. I like open spaces, loose comfortable clothing, and can't wear choker necklaces.

3. I have an overactive imagination. I used to like scary movies, and now they seem to make me more paranoid.

4. I am always trying to diagnose myself... I am afraid to see the doctor, even more afraid that he'll find something.

5. The scar across my nose happened when I was 2, when I flew out of my car seat at a red light.

6. Writing is my passion, but I hate that I spend too much time trying to make it perfect. Why can't I just accept it for what it is?

7. Half way through a song I suffered a panic attack with no warning. It took the breath right out of me, like I was punched in the stomach. My lips were moving but no sound came out. Everyone thought there was a malfunction in the microphone, and I didn't tell them any different. I'm afraid it could happen again.

8. I wasn't really stood up by a friend the night I watched you play. None of them could make it out, and I knew I had to see you. I'm glad I did.

9. I have vivid dreams of flying, breathing underwater, and numbers.

10. I loved being physically stronger than my youngest sister until one day over powered me with little effort, I can only hope I am little wiser if she ever needed help or advice for any reason.

11. I used to get in trouble for telling stories, now I can't think of any. Hopefully someday I'll have a good story to tell.

12. Almost all the birds I saved probably would have survived if I had just let them be. I felt so guilty, but I longed to feel needed and had to always take care of something.

13. Not sure I could live in the country but I love the peaceful serenity to it.
Not sure I could live in a town but I miss the friendly nods and waves, but hated the fact that everyone knew your business, and the ridiculous spread of rumours.
Not sure if I love living in the city because it seems so hard to fit in, but I love that each day brings something new, and I cannot predict tomorrow.

14. The only CD's I have ever bought are Vanessa Carlton, Fiona Apple, Evanesence, Enigmna and relaxation CD's even though I can never seem to relax. I am always fidgeting, pacing, bouncing my knee, biting my nails, thinking and working.

15. The harder I try to remember to close cupboard doors and drawers, the more I think they're left open to drive me insane.

16. I am moved by opera. It's sounds so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes and stirs emotions that touch my heart. I have no idea what they are singing about but to me it feels like love and tragedy.

17. I leave little notes of encouragement and leave them in random places for strangers to find.

18. I would love to volunteer my time to make a positive difference in the lives of others like someone did for me and my family.

19. It has taken me years to be able to pick up the phone to order take out, make an appointment, or leave messages on answering machines because I hate the sound of my voice.

20. I'm embarrassed to admit how much I would need to rely on a calculator to do simple math.

21. I wish I could cook with out a cookbook, sing like no one was listening, write there was no tomorrow and dance like no one was watching.

22. I've been thinking about getting a tatoo to mark my 25th birthday this year, but I'm not sure what I would want on my body for the rest of my life. Perhaps it is just wishful thinking?

23. I appreciate hearing the same stories over and over again, because there is always some details that I missed the first time and I never know if it will be the last time I hear it. I'd give anything to hear my grandad tell his stories again.

24. My father has always been my strongest role model. I admire that he cares so much about making a difference.

25. My time spent with my family is more important than material status.

Friday, February 13, 2009

I love saying 'I love you'... It has never and will never outgrow me. I need to express my love verbally and physically always because that is how I was raised. My mom and dad, never stopped saying I love you. Never stopped hugging. Never stopped kissing. And never has it been awkward to do so. I'm grateful for that.
It is what got us through the hard times.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Where Daddy?

I sit down at her level. Cross my legs, make myself comfortable.
'Where?' She asks, tilting her head to one side.
'What are you looking for?' I say.
'Daddy? Where daddy?'
'Daddy is at work.' I explain.
'Daddy home.' She says. 'Sleeping?'
'No, daddy is at work.' I say.
She thinks about this for a moment and then repeats, 'daddy work.'
'That's right' I tell her.

A typical conversation... that amazes me.
Our little girl is growing up. Making sense of the world, and giving me a whole new aspect on life.