Saturday, December 06, 2008

Life is beautiful

This winter, although still just beginning, resonates differently in my heart than any other year. It will be the tightest financially this year, I'm sure for more than just myself, but already I carry the feeling with me that it does not matter. None of it matters. And the whole process of Christmas time, the true celebration is all lost in the rippling effect of trying to find the perfect gift. Or to atleast measure up to last year, and the year before.
But the true meaning is the birth of our baby Jesus. God's gift to human kind.
Believe what you will, but this belief in myself makes it all the more special. To come together close as a family, and in spirit. Afterall life & love are gifts. A gift worth loving. A gift worth saving. A gift worth repairing any damages in yourself & others. Love brings us up, never tears us down.

I am also filled with overwhelming emotion as Christmas comes quickly around the corner, that this will be our first Christmas without grandad. It will not be the same.
I know this, but yet I am still very emotional to admit that I am still crying.
For every month on the 5th that I celebrate another month of Becca's life, also marks the number of months since his passing. Rebecca turned 20 months old yesterday.
Twenty months ago Becca was born into this earth. Five months ago you left. I really didn't think, leaving the hospital that day would be the last time I saw you. If I had only known, would it have turned out differently?? What would I have said??

'You will never be forgotten. We all love you so very much, and will be thinking of all those wonderful memories you placed in each of our hearts. I am so thankful that you & nanny took me into your home for those first months of moving to the big city. You really made me feel comfortable, and I'm grateful to have had the time that I did. I really enjoyed renovating your garden, and seeking your approval. You allowed me to express a creative side I never knew I had, and to which I would seek refuge under stress. Grandad, I also enjoyed the relax time afterward, and sharing our happy hour, as the sun was up over the yardarm.'

And come your birthday Grandad, January 1st, as we bring in the new year. I'm not going to say there won't be any tears, because there are some now as I write about you, but they will be mostly tears of appreciation. Life is beautiful. Thank you for showing me that.

And to my nanny,
I need you to know now, that no matter what anyone says you are very special.
You've loved all of us unconditionally. You were one of my first teachers, one of my first role models. I truly appreciated making you proud. I felt humbled that you saved my poems, even after every poem I had kept I threw away.
I love that you have pictures we have drawn on your fridge, from 10 & 20 years ago.
Know how much I appreciated your undivided attention, and listening to what I had to say, and thank you for telling me so much about your life, because your stories will be carried on. You live in our hearts eternally.