Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Summer Fun!!

I am thoroughly enjoying my time at home with Becca and Abby. Every day is one new adventure after another, and no two days are alike. Our days are full of unexpected surprises, I never know what each day will bring.

Each morning Abby wakes up with a beaming smile. She lies on her belly, and pulls the bumper pad down enough to rest her chin on. When I come into the room she kicks her legs with excitement. We have a wonderful breakfast together, which follows with fruit. Abby loves berries of every kind. She grabs them by the fist full, squeezes them and then compacts them all into her little mouth.

Just the other day, I brought out Abby's ball. We spent quite an amount of time passing it back and forth between us, before Abby smiled and said.. 'Baw'. Her first word other then mama and dada.
Followed by 'Daw' and her panting like a dog. In just a few weeks my baby girl will be one. I can hardly believe it's been a year. Where has the time gone?

Becca is an amazing big sister, she absolutely adores Abby. She is always playing with Abby and pretending that is her baby. Sometimes I need to remind her that Abby is a little person, not a doll.

Becca, Abby and I have been swimming alot lately. Abby absolutely loves the water, and Becca is just learning how to swim. Her determination astounds me. She leaps from the ladder into the water and gives it her hardest doggy paddle, she wanted me to let her go on her own until she sunk. I pulled her up just as her head sunk bellow the surface and she excitedly beamed 'that was good for a first time, right mama?'

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Numb Feel (Revised)

I wrote this poem in my very early twenties... It brought focus into my life, and made me realize that I needed to make some really big changes. I've finally revised, and completed the final draft and dedicate this poem for anyone struggling with addiction.

Numb Feel
Fast asleep, body numb
Can't move, can't speak, can't undo what's been done
Addiction will tell you nothing but lies,
to numb your brain, to just get high.
Numb the pain, the inside anger.
Numb the sirens, red lights of danger.
Numb your spirit, let the fire die.
Numb your emotions, there's no need to cry.
Numb your love for the hurt it brings,
Numb yourself of all things.
Numb your body of the hurt in the past,
Numb the memories you don't want to last.
To enjoy the moment that brings you power, entertainment, and release.
To not think about the one's you've tried forever, and still cannot seem to please.

Time to make changes, because numbing out the world will not solve your problems.
Open your eyes take a look around, so that when problems arise you can solve them.

Let go of the imperfections you cannot change.
Let go of the insecurities, the people you blame.
Let go of the one you compare yourself to,
the one you wish to walk a day in their shoes.
Let go of the shame you hold onto,
before it becomes your life, before it controls you.

Forgive the one who broke your heart, the one you now despise.
Forgive the one who told you so, the one who thinks she's so wise.
Forgive the one who laughs in your face, when something doesn't go right.
Remember we all make mistakes, and from darkness there is light.
Remember the opportunity that passed you by?
When you thought you were not good enough and never bothered to try.
Who cares about the possibility you won't get picked,
if it doesn't work out, atleast you tried it.

Take time away for yourself, think about how you truly feel.
Without addiction to hide behind, the truth will be revealed.
Feel the painful memories, let the healing begin.
Feel the strengths you have inside not the weaknesses within.
Feel the love, mend your broken heart.
Feel the hurt that made you fall apart.
Feel the weight being lifted off your shoulders,
Feel the comfort when someone holds you.
Feel the moment that brings you pleasure with no shame,
for all the times you cross that line, you've only yourself to blame.
You don't have to be perfect, you don't have to be like someone else.
Feel the need to be you, and no one else, otherwise you'll lose yourself.
Feel these feelings, deal with them as they come.
Numbing it out, holding it inside, the battle cannot be won.
Feel the courage to ask for help.... you don't need to go through this alone.
And love will lend you a helping hand, love will guide you home.

Appreciate what you already have

Its been months since Ive been on my blog. Since Ive written anything at all. In truth, I have been avoiding it. I know that I need to get back in the swing of things and keep pouring my heart out, because essentially that is my way of healing.

I am feeling somewhat better with the nice weather now in season, beckoning me out hybernation. For awhile there I really just wanted to isolate myself from the world, but slowly one day at a time I am taking small baby steps forward.

My girls are my inspiration, my motivation, my joy, my purpose and that is enough to keep me going through these times of hardships. Ive surrounded myself with the small things that bring me inner joy, peace and harmony. I have God to guide me prayerfully in the right direction. I have the sweet essence and beauty of nature. I have the sights, smells, and wonders of the world right at my finger tips... and I have an overflowing amount of love to be grateful for. I have my family and friends who have been there with me every step of the way through the tears, the laughter, the good, the bad and the ugly. I could not ask for more. Times are hard, yes, but God has given me strength and all that I need to keep moving  forward.

I am still grieving my losses... and that is okay. Not everyone heals instantly, some wounds are deeper than others. I am learning a lot about myself in the process. Most of what I lost are just outter things... Not who I am. We are not defined by the home we live in, our jobs, the cars we drive, our bank accounts or our relationships even. It took losing all those things for me to realize that. That was a big lesson for me to learn... those things will not bring happiness if that is what you are searching for. I am turning to God to help me find inner joy, inner peace and confidence in who I am, and only then I will be ready for other things, but first I must appreciate what I already have.