Take the plunge

How can I find the humor in darkness?
The laughter through tears?
The relief through pain?
The joy in the lost desire?
How can I become even more passionate about what I care for most?

Meet 'I' the perfectionist. The people pleaser. So often I want to make others happy, I lose focus on what is important to me.

'What are you doing these days?' I am asked.
Instead of saying the usual brush off 'Oh, keeping busy.' I offer specifics which is a major step out of my comfort zone. 'Actually, I've been writing a lot.' I respond. My cheeks flushing bright red.
'Oh yeah? What are you writing?'
My breath catches in my throat, and suddenly I begin to feel insecure...'Oh, just some poetry and short stories.' Suddenly I wish to change to subject.
'Short stories about what?'
'Umm,' I stammer, trying to find the words. 'Stories about life experiences and...'
'You should write children's books, there is a big market for that.'
I consider changing my direction and again I lose focus.

My frustration is that I have no clue what kind of writer I am. The ironic thing is that when I used to sing my biggest frustration was that I didn't know what kind of singer I was or what style I suited. My need for perfection, began to peel the layers of my self confidence, and I lost the pleasure of performance.

But writing holds a whole new meaning. It has always been there... even after I've walked away for long periods of time, the desire has always tugged on my heart. I need to write in the same way I need to breathe because without words I am lost. How can I make them my own? How can I develop a unique style, different from everyone else and not slip into shadowing other artists. I don't want to be a shadow... I want to find my own direction. I want to find my own light.

I am like a student, learning for the first time. Testing the waters. I dream to not even think about it... to take the plunge, and allow myself to feel every moment, every experience and to share them with you.

It feels really good to have a long weekend. Really really good. I went to the fair yesterday with a friend (mother of one of my little daycare girls), and our girls. We had so much fun!! We started off on a few rides. Becca would get off one, then excitedly point to another 'Now I want to go on that one mama.' We had a little ride scare on one of the carousels. After getting on, we put the girls on a horse, and the ride slowly began. I saw my friend and her daughter, and it looked like a perfect opportunity to get they're picture so I pulled out my camera. As I waited for my camera to adjust, there was a really loud noise... One of the horses became disconnected. The one that my friends daughter was riding, followed by the horse right beside it disconnecting. The ride of course stopped and we all got off... other than that the day was perfect.

This is a painting I received this year on my 26th birthday from my youngest sister Cindy. I was so moved by the sincere thought put into this piece of art, it left me speechless.







I love the symbolic meaning of the 'Lion', and hope to strengthen these powerful traits within me.

• Loyal until the end
  
• Courageous & faithful
• Hold your head high – even in times of conflict – conduct yourself with dignity.
• Trusting your intuition/instincts
• Generous & passionate
• Self confident
  

Clean Slate

A clean slate is not wiping the past clear as though it never existed or pretending it never happened. A clean slate is accepting your past, forgiving yourself, letting go and moving forward.

Sisters

My sisters...
I had taken for granted every day we lived together under the same roof, for the days we come together are few and far in between. These precious moments mean so much to me.