How can I find the humor in darkness?The laughter through tears?
The relief through pain?
The joy in the lost desire?
How can I become even more passionate about what I care for most?
Meet 'I' the perfectionist. The people pleaser. So often I want to make others happy, I lose focus on what is important to me.
'What are you doing these days?' I am asked.
Instead of saying the usual brush off 'Oh, keeping busy.' I offer specifics which is a major step out of my comfort zone. 'Actually, I've been writing a lot.' I respond. My cheeks flushing bright red.
'Oh yeah? What are you writing?'
My breath catches in my throat, and suddenly I begin to feel insecure...'Oh, just some poetry and short stories.' Suddenly I wish to change to subject.
'Short stories about what?'
'Umm,' I stammer, trying to find the words. 'Stories about life experiences and...'
'You should write children's books, there is a big market for that.'
I consider changing my direction and again I lose focus.
My frustration is that I have no clue what kind of writer I am. The ironic thing is that when I used to sing my biggest frustration was that I didn't know what kind of singer I was or what style I suited. My need for perfection, began to peel the layers of my self confidence, and I lost the pleasure of performance.
But writing holds a whole new meaning. It has always been there... even after I've walked away for long periods of time, the desire has always tugged on my heart. I need to write in the same way I need to breathe because without words I am lost. How can I make them my own? How can I develop a unique style, different from everyone else and not slip into shadowing other artists. I don't want to be a shadow... I want to find my own direction. I want to find my own light.
I am like a student, learning for the first time. Testing the waters. I dream to not even think about it... to take the plunge, and allow myself to feel every moment, every experience and to share them with you.
2 comments:
A common dilemma for 'aspiring' writers. I know! It's a way of saying...I don't know what i want to be when i grow up. Beyond that, it's also a way of denying time and aging for me by not cornering myself in any particular genre or style, category or identity.
A follow on comment to try to make my earlier comment more clear as to what I meant.
For me writing is a catharsis to all and by not limiting myself or placing myself in a 'box' by writing in any particular genre or category which has a tendency of identifying one in a narrow scope.
My comment on "I don't know what I want to be when i grow up" was in reference to your interjection of how to deal with the ambiguities, abstracts of life and inner pangs that evince the more cognizant one is of 'life'.
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