One day at a time

I am really trying my hardest to set more time aside for myself to write. Not only when I feel that sweet pang of inspiration, but also when I feel the furthest from motivation to write or even want to look at a pen and let it all out. I am like a chamber, a holder of information that I often times keep to myself. Slowly I am working to explore these thoughts, and somehow put the pieces of the puzzle together. Aren't people fascinating?? Not only am I on a journey of self discovery, but I am truly interested in other people, their experiences, and behaviors. People are sometimes just so quick to judge... you here someone say 'Oh, that person is crazy'. They can say that without ever having spent one day in that person's shoes. Without knowing the life that that individual has lived. I think at some point or another everyone shows a sign of a personality disorder, or experiences an incredible amount of stress that might temporarily have them acting in a way that might be considered bizarre. I will be the first to admit I have gone through many periods where I have questioned my own sanity.

As early as eleven I remember watching ever so carefully what I ate, depriving myself even, of food in fear of ever gaining weight. I had such a poor self image of myself that I was constantly comparing myself to others, and felt that I had no value. I was not important. I was a nobody. I lived these feelings every day with a smile on my face, and a sense of humor to cover up the ugly.

In high school I experimented with drugs. I remember that my first taste of marijiwana was to fit in. Isn't that how it usually begins? It was an aweful experience, and I really don't know what made me even think to ever want to try it again, but I suppose I could compare it to my first hangover, I distinctly remember saying 'I'm never drinking again'. After smoking pot a few times more, I quickly learned there was a trick to it... mind over matter. Soon there was no longer any panic or paranoia, and it became a very pleasant escape. Some people say that pot is not addictive, but I beg to differ. I agree that it does not have the same addictive qualities as nicotine, they both have very different with-drawl affects in my own personal experience. I hid the fact that I smoked pot on a daily basis for almost a year, as I never did it as a means of getting high/stoned, or beyond stupid. I took it in extremely small doses, several times a day, to feel normal. It was like taking medication for pain, and this was my way of making the hurt go away.

I struggled so much with my identity as a teenager, seeking the approval of others, and never really standing on my own two feet. All of my relationships were people pleasing, exhausting, and simply unhealthy, yet I worried so much about losing them, or feeling like I was just a big disappointment. I wish I could just go back and have a heart to heart chat with my sixteen year old self with the wisdom that I've come to know today... but it was through those experiences that has made me who I am, good and bad, I accept it all as it is.

We all know that one can never change the past, but we do have the power to make better choices now for the future. Just take it one day at a time.