A Realization

Surprised at how well I've been handling everything... under the circumstances. The biggest life change, well the transition of small town to the City. As soon as I recover from the insect bite, my eye starts to swell up... possibly an allergy?? And I'm too stubborn to make a Doctor's Appointment.

I need to pull myself together here.... today, I was completely lost in thought. An emotional nutcase on the brink of loosing my mind. A realization popped into my mind, and snowballed into this reality I've been living.
Everything seems to be happening all at once..... and instead of facing it head on, I keep myself busy, so I don't have to think about it. Which I've clearly done over the past week.
I come home.... and I'm overwhelmed by everything all at once, don't even know where to begin. I'm a mess, unorganized, unfocused.... I panicked momentarily when I had no idea what to do or what day it was. OH NO!!!! I forgot to cancel my G2 test!!! WAS THAT TODAY???????? I almost lost my head.... it's actually tomorrow. Lost my calendar so I have no idea what time it actually is at. Lost my certificate that shows I've had 13 private lessons.... and I'm living out of a suitcase.
I've remained calm through this whole process. It's what I've been trained to do... To be well under pressure, to smile... everything is great.
I'm trying so hard to not break down.... I've been having this urge lately, so strong to find a field in the middle of nowhere and "scream". Sounds silly I know. But just to let it all out. To unleash this feeling deep inside.

It is healthy to express how you feel.... so why is it I have difficulty expressing through words (communication)? Why can I get it down in writing just fine... and not be able to voice it?

My inner child came through today.... I was talking to an old friend, and as soon as I lost it, I couldn't look her in the eyes. I was intimidated, but why?
An old habit, that still lingers.

My personality has made a huge transition over the years... I'm stronger now than I've ever been. I used to have a barrier over my heart and a mask over my face.... All negative emotions I bottled up inside. I didn't want anyone to know if I was hurt, sad, angry, depressed. I never talked about it with anyone.
I let it build up so much... that I became bitter, resentful, jealous for not being able to stand up for myself. For being taken advantage of, over and over again.
At the peak of almost giving up... A realization came to me. "Why are you so afraid?"
I was paralyzed by my own fear.
A fear of everything.
Independence, honesty ( how simple it is to tell someone, you hurt my feelings, then to keep it to yourself).