11:11.... What is it?

April 3rd, 2003
I'm all alone in this world of mine
I am weak and I am strong from time to time
Nowhere to go, no place but here
Now I must face my deepest fear
It started back in my childhood...
even then I never understood,
how life seems to go by so fast,
and never knowing which day is my last.

April 5th, 2003
I've had the same dream three nights now, and I wake up remembering a number... the same number. In my dream I have limited amount of time to figure out the meaning, it is a matter of life and death. I'm frantic, on the verge of lunacy.... The number is 1111.
Does this mean anything?
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Before I'd had those dreams... I'd never even so much as noticed a 111 or 1111. Maybe I had just never payed attention? Some of you are familiar with the whole make a wish when you see 11:11.
I didn't even so much as know it was a wishing number.

For me... the number was a huge eye opener. It opened my eyes to the changes that I desperately needed to make.
As you can see from the "April 3rd" entry... I was paralyzed by fear... I was afraid of death. I had kept this to myself.
I was afraid of everything, and my imagination would get carried away.... I envisioned death everywhere. This is the first I've ever gone into depth about it.
I became a constant worrier... every time I crossed the street, got into a car, walked alone at night, was home alone... the list goes on. My heart would race, I would hold my breath, I became nauseous.

In the 1111 dream... I was in a race against time. I remember vivid details, such as leaping out of the way of a transport with 1111 in huge print on it's side... and searching for a ticket with that same number... I remember my frantic state.. WHAT IS IT???? A DATE? A TIME? A MESSAGE? A PHONE NUMBER? ADDRESS? The dream was a puzzle, and I was missing all of the pieces.

Since then... I became aware of the number 1111 in all of it's forms. It almost seemed as though my eyes were drawn to the clock frequently at 11:11. I began to wonder... question the meaning of it. Is there meaning? I gave up. Thought it to be just coincidence.

But there are no coincidences.

When I was in college... just for sheer stupidity, I took it a step further. Went to google... typed in 1111. The top link was a page with the heading... "The 1111 Explanation". My jaw dropped. Others are seeing it to?? It is believed that the numbers are signs, that angels use to communicate. To be aware of your surroundings, possible changes you need to make, or a new door that is opening for you, and a signal to let you know you are on the right track, depending on your situation. I began to think of all of the times I saw the number.... most occurred when I was causing self destruction, which at the time made me really angry when I saw the number, because in a way it made me feel guilty.
Other times were a slap of awareness, leaving me with an uneasy feeling. Driving back from Toronto with my dad a taxi cut out in front of us... last four digits of cab number 1111. I look over at my dad and he is half asleep, I felt uncomfortable, and asked him to pull over to rest.
1111 on occasion leaves me with a feeling I can't ignore.

I thought... angels? Maybe.
I began a search... not even knowing what I was looking for.
I asked for answers... not even knowing who I was asking.

Then it happened... One day, I was in the library at the college. At the very moment in my life, when I had asked for help... an angel was sent. We became friends, and her family became a part of my family.
It was then that I began a relationship with God.
My life has been forever changed.... and still only just beginning.

God has shown me areas in my life that need work.
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Sept. 29th, 2005
I began studying the bible, and journalizing.
I came to a verse..

"Right then three men who had been sent to me from Caesarea stopped at the house where I was staying. The spirit told me to have no hesitation about going with them. These six brothers also went with me, and we entered the man's house. He told us how he seen an angel appear in his house and say, 'Send to Joppa for Simon who is called Peter. He will bring you a message through which all you and your household will be saved.'

As I read.... stopped at the house... spirit... hesitation.. the strangest thing happened.
A dream that I'd had the night before, that I had completely forgotten about had come to me right then and there at that moment.
It was as though I was having it over again... clear as day. The feelings especially. My hair stood on end, as the eerieness of it all came back to me.

The dream
"A man with one good leg was limping down the street while dragging his bad leg and supporting himself with a cain. I could hear the sound of his foot scraping against the pavement from inside my house. Scrrrrr, Scrrrrr, Scrrr... closer... closer. I was petrified, so escaped out the back door of my house as he he approached the front door. He knocked on my door, but I had already left. The sound of his foot dragging lingered.
Suddenly I stopped running... "Why was I running away in the first place?" I hesitated before deciding to go back. My inner concience was fighting against me... "Get away... RUN!!!" I ignored it, and went back. I took the long way, and met the man on the end of my driveway. At first I was suspicious... but his gentle eyes eased my nerves. Guilt spread over me as I realized... "This man is disabled, what if he needed my help?"
I asked the man "is there anything I can help you with?"
I lead him back to my house and noticed that the front door was wide open. I hesitated again... and ignored it.
I helped the man inside.
As soon as he was inside... the gentleness suddenly left his eyes and his expression became hard and dark. His strength was not that of a disabled man as he swung the door shut and threw his cain."

I went back to journalize the verse Act 11:11-14... coincidence I think not. That was indeed God.
In the end.... Act 11:14 - He will bring you a message.

The message was clear....
I was living in a fantasy world. On many occasions, I ignored that inner voice... I knew it was wrong, it felt wrong and I brushed it off. I wanted to trust everyone, I wanted to be friends with everyone... and I didn't want to believe that anyone could ever hurt me.
I opened myself up, and I was hurt. I gave my heart and I was lied to. I was warned well in advance, and I ignored it.
The message: If I don't start trusting my instincts, and listen to what it is telling me... I could end up in serious trouble.

God is there watching over.... God protects... God loves.

Brief Outline

It's been an exciting weekend!! First of all, I went to a job fair on Thurs. and recieved a few phone calls and interview bookings!! Have an interview today at 3:30pm as a matter of fact! Friday night was great, I went home to my parents house for supper, and after went into town, to watch "Scribble". They've got a busy weekend ahead, playing Friday & Saturday in Prescott and two shows Sunday in Pembrooke. Good luck boys!

Went to a show last night with my Grandparents... "Red Hot Blues; presented by: The Capital Chordettes" It was fantastic!!

This week is gonna fly... mom's birthday coming up, and the trip to Detroit;Michigan to meet Dave's family!

Anyways, just a brief outline of this weeks events. I'm off to church.

Songs & more songs....

Wanted out

Wish that I could take it all back.
Don't know where I'm going, I'm tired of exploring.
Iknow that I, I'm in so deep.
So leave me alone! I'm tired and I need some sleep.

So let me let it out
Cuz I'm building up in anger
I know it's not you...
I'm so confused.
And it's been awhile so you should come back now.
Didn't think that you were serious when you said you... Wanted out.

I've lost my mind thinking about you.
I can't control it, you wouldn't know it...
So hard to live without you by my side.
I didn't think, you'd leave without saying goobye.

So let me let it out
Cuz I'm building up in anger
I know it's not you...
I'm so confused.
and it's been awhile so you should come back now.
Didn't think you were serious when you said you... wanted out.
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Something More

Fight temptations, there's a reason for living,
there's something more.
It's not about winning, if you start believing there's a plan in store for you.
Reality of lies... the media thinks for us and how life should be.
Glamourized onscreen, photo's in magazines... what beauty is??

There's something more, don't close the doors
Don't get torn down, by what they say
Yes, friendship hurts and rumours start
Don't play their games, some people just want you to feel the same.

Don't loose your dream, even though it seems so far away
Always look ahead, no need to second guess where your heart is leading you.

Start Again

We've all had our up's & downs... the good times, and bad.
A few years ago, I wrote this song.. the true meaning of it has been a mystery, but lately the relationship that has required the most renovating is the one with my mother.
My mother is the world to me... I love her so much. I have so much respect for her, but as a rebelling teenager I took for granted all that she has done. She has always been there for me, always. I've grown and matured so much these last few years, and the relationship is blossoming.
Last year I took her to church for her birthday... was actually the first time I stepped into a church since I was a child. I know, on that day, God was watching over us. I could feel it. During the service I hugged her, and I didn't want to let go. I wanted to make up for my absence, right there all in just that moment. I will never forget that day! Ever!! Even now, that I have moved away from home.... for the second time, I hold you close and dear to my heart mom. I miss you!!!
Mom & dad till this day still go to church... Even though I'm not there, I'm still with you.
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Start Again
Hard to surface, I'm running out of air.
Don't know what direction, or anybody who cares?
I'm looking for an answer for this problem I'm into...
Cuz I can't figure it out or how to go about the situation.
I'm not giving up, I'm not letting go.
There's no one there but me... So why can't I be free?

Cuz I wanna hold on,
you only live so long,
and I'm trying to hide,
that I'm drowning inside.
I wanna turn things around,
I want me feet back on the ground.
I wanna start again.

If only I, could start again I'd try,
to make things better, instead of saying good bye
I'm struggling below the surface and I don't know why..
Cuz with out a doubt we can figure out this relationship.
I'm not giving up, I'm not letting go.
That's how it has to be, so why can't you see.

That I wanna hold on,
you only live so long,
and I'm trying to hide that drowning inside.
I wanna turn things around, I want my feet back on the ground.
I wanna start again.

So I called you on the phone..
"Is it to late to come home?"

Can you forgive me mom...
All along I was wrong
I'm so sorry that I, did not apologize.
No, I didn't call to fight only wandered if you might...
Give me a second chance?

So we can start again... I want to start again.

I am.... myself

I hesitate... my heart pounding hard. So hard it feels as though it's ready to pound out of my chest. Inhale, exhale slowly. Anything to calm myself down.
I take the escalator, to the third floor. I become anxious, the escalator seems slower than usual... I walk up the rest of the way, as if gliding up a flight of stairs. All around me there are people scattered in all directions. My hands... I no longer feel them. Cold. So cold.
Breathe.... I keep reminding myself. I tend to hold my breath, without even realizing it.
I walk past the food court... The buzzing of conversations, the smell of grease, the crying baby... FOCUS!!! Stay focused.
I walk into the Restaurant, where I am to have my interview.

I'm reminded of the words.... "Don't think about it... just do it,
as long as you've done your best, the rest is out of your control. If you get the job or vice versa.. it was meant to be".

I become immediately relaxed. I smile. I am myself.

What happens from there is out of my control.

Keep Going..... we will meet again.

Everything crashes in, hard, fast... I am overwhelmed by how powerful it is.
The force so strong it knocks me off my feet, and washes over me.
I am helpless, I don't try to fight it... I let it carry me.
I have simply just given up, and what ever happens.... happens.
I stop... something faint in the distance is calling. I listen...
I can't make out the words, but I know I'm not alone.
A sudden burst of energy fills me from the inside and out, and with all that I have in me... I fight against the current that is pulling me. I'm not going to die like this.
Closer, closer... I am so close. My body aches from head to toe, I'm out of breath and completely exhausted. I convince myself that I cannot go any further. I accept that I am going to drown.
Then I hear it... the faint sound, a voice... so close it is almost on top of me. It is encouraging... and I have made up my mind that I am going to fight until the very end. I gather up my strength, the pain is immense, I keep going.
Muscles tense, burning, I loose all sensation, I keep going.
Vision a blur, eyes stinging, I keep going.
Out of breath, dehydrated, physically drained, I keep going.
Close... so close... closer.
Finally I am able to stand on solid ground. My legs weak, feel like jello.
I stummble, as the waves crashing in buckle my knee's. I want to drop.... but I keep going.
The shoreline... is completely visible now, but it all remains a blur to me. My eyes sting. I am blind.
My hands out in front of me... I keep going.
Then I hear it.... the voice that kept me going.
"I knew that you would make it, I'm so proud of you"
I reach out, and He takes me by the hand.
His hand so warm, so gentle, so familiar.
I want to see His face... but the moment my eyes clear He is gone.
And I know.... I know.. that if I keep going, we will meet again.

READ THIS!!!!

I found this newspaper article.... I'm not sure how old it is, I found it in my basement about a year ago & it touched my heart. Thought I'd share it with you.


Dear Abby: I hope you find this worthy of your column:
"At a certain moment, a doctor will determine that my brain has ceased to function and that, for all intents and purposes, my life has stopped.
"When that happens, do not attempt to instill artificial life into my body by the use of a machine, And don't call this my "deathbed". Call it my "Bed of Life", and let my body be taken from it to help others lead fuller lives.
"Give my sight to a man who has never seen a sunrise, a baby's face or love in the eye's of a woman.
"Give my heart to a person who's heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain.
"Give my blood to the teen-ager who has been pulled from the wreckage of his car, so that he might live to see his grandchildren play.
"Give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine from week to week.
"Take my bones, every muscle, every fibre and nerve in my body and find a way to make a crippled child walk.
"Explore every corner of my brain. Take my cells, if neccessary, and let them grow so that someday a speechless boy will shout at the crack of a bat and a deaf girl will hear the sound of rain against her window.
"Burn what is left of me and scatter the ashes to the winds to help the flowers grow.
"If you must bury something, let it be my faults, my weaknesses, and all prejudice against my fellow man.
"Give my soul to God.
"If by chance you wish to remember me, do it with a kind deed or word to someone who needs you. If you do all I have asked, I will live on forever."

Author Unknown

Take me..... Tell me

Whisper your words, let me know your still there.
feeling so far away, empty monolongues of prayer.

Take me away, Take me with you.
Need your footsteps to follow.
Take me, take me.

So afraid I've disappointed you.... won't you still let me in?
I want to start over before it all ends...
Please tell me..... where to begin.

Tell me the way, tell me the truth.
Need your footsteps to follow.
Tell me, tell me.

Take me, Tell me....
Guide me with your shining light.
Come take me away.
Tell me... I'll be ok.

Another busy week....

I've been keeping myself really busy this week... A big list of things to do, and already I've accomplished so much. Taking huge steps, and reaching high. I had thought about pushing school ahead until next year, I truly appreciate the encouragement of friends and family. It is important for me to finish my education A.S.A.P. So i'm back on my feet again striving for this come Sept.
No more excuses.
I'm still in the process of job search... Tomorrow I'm handing out resumes.
Thursday... Dave and I stopped in for lunch at Nick's Restaurant. Mmmmmm souvlaki.... tzatziki yummmmmm.

Last night Dave came and picked me up... had a night full of surprses. Wow. We stopped of at the mall, and my pocket started ringing.. Oh my, I was very confused. Turns out Dave planted a cell phone in my jacket pocket when he met me at the door. Very sweet, and always just a phone call away.

Downtown Ottawa, Dave had made reservations at a restaurant called "Hy's"... I walked in, and I didn't even know where to begin looking. I was so overwhelmed my the atmosphere... stunning.
Candle lit, creative and artistic... majestic, mysterious, peaceful, a truly relaxing experience.
Reserved a table by the fire.... where all the steak was grilled right there before us. The most amazing caesar salad, prepared in the most unique way, right at the table. Fantastic Red wine.

I even broke through the barriers of the unknown... and tried for the first time, Oyster. Sooooo good. Even better with lemon.

It was sooo nice. The whole evening.
Mission of the month: Learn how to make steak.

Another busy week lies ahead.

I made it

Everything around me seems to be moving, and yet here I am standing still. It's all a blur. This last week has been absolutely crazy. My trip to Belleville was amazing... I got to see my old high school buddies. Bonus... Was given music lessons (Piano & Guitar), over a period of two days (7 hours)!!!! Had some time to relax, and had some great food at "Montanna's".... Had chicken. Mmmmmmm. You will soon realize my weak spot for good chicken. Actually both meals I made my boyfriend Dave, "Chicken Parmasan" and "Chicken Stir Fry".... Think he's caught on to my fetish. Ok ok... I've been trying not to think about it, but my knee's are shaking from lack of Souvlaki... that is by far the bait!! Just the smell and I'm lured in. I'm stopping by the restaurant on Thursday.
Off topic... anyway. Got back from Belleville, than headed out to Petawawa for the weekend. My boyfriends band "Scribble" had a gig at "The Hawks Nest"... a two nighter. Was fantastic!!!
Then on Sunday "Scribble" played at the "Cafe Ole" in Pembrooke. That was absolutely amazing!!! It wasn't just a performance.... the boys, so full of energy... let their personalities come out on stage. Hilarious! Not to mention also on that Sunday the four origional songs on the "Scribble CD" played on the Pembrooke radio station!!! Congratulations and well desreved u guys are terrific.
And Dave.... "I'm so proud of you! You've come so far in life, and have accomplished so much on your own... you inspire me to do the same. Only now these challenges we face together, and I will always be there for you as you are for me. I encourage you to never give up on your dreams."

I'm finally settled in at my grandparents... It's not as bad as I thought it would be. Tomorrow I'm going to try to get this bus route thing figured out. Have no idea???? Absolutely Clueless.
I'm out for the night....
Just thought I'd let everyone know... that I did not disappear from the face of the earth. I made it here safely, and all is well.

A Realization

Surprised at how well I've been handling everything... under the circumstances. The biggest life change, well the transition of small town to the City. As soon as I recover from the insect bite, my eye starts to swell up... possibly an allergy?? And I'm too stubborn to make a Doctor's Appointment.

I need to pull myself together here.... today, I was completely lost in thought. An emotional nutcase on the brink of loosing my mind. A realization popped into my mind, and snowballed into this reality I've been living.
Everything seems to be happening all at once..... and instead of facing it head on, I keep myself busy, so I don't have to think about it. Which I've clearly done over the past week.
I come home.... and I'm overwhelmed by everything all at once, don't even know where to begin. I'm a mess, unorganized, unfocused.... I panicked momentarily when I had no idea what to do or what day it was. OH NO!!!! I forgot to cancel my G2 test!!! WAS THAT TODAY???????? I almost lost my head.... it's actually tomorrow. Lost my calendar so I have no idea what time it actually is at. Lost my certificate that shows I've had 13 private lessons.... and I'm living out of a suitcase.
I've remained calm through this whole process. It's what I've been trained to do... To be well under pressure, to smile... everything is great.
I'm trying so hard to not break down.... I've been having this urge lately, so strong to find a field in the middle of nowhere and "scream". Sounds silly I know. But just to let it all out. To unleash this feeling deep inside.

It is healthy to express how you feel.... so why is it I have difficulty expressing through words (communication)? Why can I get it down in writing just fine... and not be able to voice it?

My inner child came through today.... I was talking to an old friend, and as soon as I lost it, I couldn't look her in the eyes. I was intimidated, but why?
An old habit, that still lingers.

My personality has made a huge transition over the years... I'm stronger now than I've ever been. I used to have a barrier over my heart and a mask over my face.... All negative emotions I bottled up inside. I didn't want anyone to know if I was hurt, sad, angry, depressed. I never talked about it with anyone.
I let it build up so much... that I became bitter, resentful, jealous for not being able to stand up for myself. For being taken advantage of, over and over again.
At the peak of almost giving up... A realization came to me. "Why are you so afraid?"
I was paralyzed by my own fear.
A fear of everything.
Independence, honesty ( how simple it is to tell someone, you hurt my feelings, then to keep it to yourself).