Numb Feel (Revised)

I wrote this poem in my very early twenties... It brought focus into my life, and made me realize that I needed to make some really big changes. I've finally revised, and completed the final draft and dedicate this poem for anyone struggling with addiction.

Numb Feel
Fast asleep, body numb
Can't move, can't speak, can't undo what's been done
Addiction will tell you nothing but lies,
to numb your brain, to just get high.
Numb the pain, the inside anger.
Numb the sirens, red lights of danger.
Numb your spirit, let the fire die.
Numb your emotions, there's no need to cry.
Numb your love for the hurt it brings,
Numb yourself of all things.
Numb your body of the hurt in the past,
Numb the memories you don't want to last.
To enjoy the moment that brings you power, entertainment, and release.
To not think about the one's you've tried forever, and still cannot seem to please.

Time to make changes, because numbing out the world will not solve your problems.
Open your eyes take a look around, so that when problems arise you can solve them.

Let go of the imperfections you cannot change.
Let go of the insecurities, the people you blame.
Let go of the one you compare yourself to,
the one you wish to walk a day in their shoes.
Let go of the shame you hold onto,
before it becomes your life, before it controls you.

Forgive the one who broke your heart, the one you now despise.
Forgive the one who told you so, the one who thinks she's so wise.
Forgive the one who laughs in your face, when something doesn't go right.
Remember we all make mistakes, and from darkness there is light.
Remember the opportunity that passed you by?
When you thought you were not good enough and never bothered to try.
Who cares about the possibility you won't get picked,
if it doesn't work out, atleast you tried it.

Take time away for yourself, think about how you truly feel.
Without addiction to hide behind, the truth will be revealed.
Feel the painful memories, let the healing begin.
Feel the strengths you have inside not the weaknesses within.
Feel the love, mend your broken heart.
Feel the hurt that made you fall apart.
Feel the weight being lifted off your shoulders,
Feel the comfort when someone holds you.
Feel the moment that brings you pleasure with no shame,
for all the times you cross that line, you've only yourself to blame.
You don't have to be perfect, you don't have to be like someone else.
Feel the need to be you, and no one else, otherwise you'll lose yourself.
Feel these feelings, deal with them as they come.
Numbing it out, holding it inside, the battle cannot be won.
Feel the courage to ask for help.... you don't need to go through this alone.
And love will lend you a helping hand, love will guide you home.

Appreciate what you already have

Its been months since Ive been on my blog. Since Ive written anything at all. In truth, I have been avoiding it. I know that I need to get back in the swing of things and keep pouring my heart out, because essentially that is my way of healing.

I am feeling somewhat better with the nice weather now in season, beckoning me out hybernation. For awhile there I really just wanted to isolate myself from the world, but slowly one day at a time I am taking small baby steps forward.

My girls are my inspiration, my motivation, my joy, my purpose and that is enough to keep me going through these times of hardships. Ive surrounded myself with the small things that bring me inner joy, peace and harmony. I have God to guide me prayerfully in the right direction. I have the sweet essence and beauty of nature. I have the sights, smells, and wonders of the world right at my finger tips... and I have an overflowing amount of love to be grateful for. I have my family and friends who have been there with me every step of the way through the tears, the laughter, the good, the bad and the ugly. I could not ask for more. Times are hard, yes, but God has given me strength and all that I need to keep moving  forward.

I am still grieving my losses... and that is okay. Not everyone heals instantly, some wounds are deeper than others. I am learning a lot about myself in the process. Most of what I lost are just outter things... Not who I am. We are not defined by the home we live in, our jobs, the cars we drive, our bank accounts or our relationships even. It took losing all those things for me to realize that. That was a big lesson for me to learn... those things will not bring happiness if that is what you are searching for. I am turning to God to help me find inner joy, inner peace and confidence in who I am, and only then I will be ready for other things, but first I must appreciate what I already have.